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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Try breathing through your nose

4. Is that a medic alert pendant?

5. But whipped cream makes me break out

6. On second thought, lets turn off the lights

7. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

8. I want a baby!

9. What is that?

10. Maybe we should call dr. Ruth

11. Did you know that the ceiling needs painting?

12. I think you have it on backwards

13. Oops! Did i remember to take my pill?

14. I told you it wouldn't work without the batteries!

15. Did i tell you my aunt martha died in this bed?

16. No, really...i do this part better myself!

17. Perhaps you’re just out of practice

18. You remind me of my cousin

19. I have a confession...

20. I really hate people who actually think sex means something!

21. Did you come yet, dear?

22. I'll tell you who i’m fantasizing about if you tell me who you’re fantasizing about...

23. When would you like to meet my parents

24. Long kisses clog my sinuses…

25. Was what good for me?

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Men and Women

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Most Annoying Facebook Status Updates

February 5th 2010 02:43

1. The Quote Dude: Okay, I recognize myself in this. That’s why it’s first. Everyone loves a killer lyric or memorable quote, especially if it has some sort of sentimental meaning to the poster, but reading long drabble of dead people and the chorus of a bad Lady Gaga song doesn’t make you look any cooler or smarter. And who am I kidding… all Lady Gaga songs are pretty horrible. Just my opinion.

2. The Popular One: Not so bad on Facebook, but sign onto the disappearing Myspace and this is all you see. Little girls (and guys) who just want attention. You want me to go comment the picture of you in the skimpy cheerleading garb flashing hand signs with your tongue hanging out? Two things: You look like an idiot and you need to get a life.

3. The Model: This kind of ties in with # 2. So you’re somewhat attractive and your mini digital camera loves your face. This doesn’t mean you should plaster 841,654 pictures of yourself in your album with puckered lips, hand signs, no shirt, and your new aviators you got off of eBay. You’re on Facebook. I know you. I see you way too much. If I start having nightmares about the shape of your nose I’m going to shoot myself. Seriously.

4. The Jesus Lover: Don’t get me wrong, I’m sincerely happy that you have faith in something, but updating your status with only biblical quotes and “I love Jesus” phrases makes you look like a mindless zombie. “Oh no, I broke a nail but it’s okay because Jesus has a plan for everything. Go Jesus!”

5. The Angry One: Damn it, your best friend hit on your boyfriend again so you decide to finally take action. Let your fingertips fly! Let everyone see how pissed you are with your CAPS, extensive curse words, and racial slurs until everyone sees just how much of a backstabber your ex friend is. Take that you meanie you!

6. The Need You To Know Every Five Minutes One: I couldn’t think of a better title for this one. So you’re about to play some Modern Warfare 2 online. Sweet! Maybe I’ll join, but unless you’re actually in a movie where the action never ceases, I don’t want to know what you’re doing every five minutes. Walking the dog and taking a bathroom break are some events I relatively don’t care about. Now if the dog magically dons a cape and tells you ‘there’s nothing to fear’ or a blue alien leaps from the murky depths of the toilet then type away, my friend!

7. The Novelist: Just like # 6 but longer. So you’re going to a huge MMA fight tomorrow. That’s awesome! But if that’s the only amazingly interesting thing happening, then why must you add everything else? “OMG going to the mall tomorrow to get a book I’ve never read signed by that Twilight chick! But now I’m sipping a latte, watching Oprah, and wishing that tomorrow would come faster. Txt me!” …No I will not text you.

8. The Cryptic One: “Going out with a certain guy tonight!’ Oh your mysteriousness baffles me… even though just an hour earlier you called me and told me everything you were doing tonight with Johnny boy down the street. Including how cute he is, what cologne he wears, and how expensive his shirt is. Have fun tonight with that certain someone at a certain place during a certain time. While you’re at it make sure you wear a certain pair of shoes because it’s cold.

9. The One Who Types Black: Dis iz Mizz G’Money Fabulous ‘ere wid dis ‘portant message. I writ3 wid #s. If you’re white you probably can’t decipher the intricate codes typed by these people. The only reason you might be able to read the first part of this is because I’m white and I didn’t do it right. Everyone has at least one of these people. Don’t lie. I’m a writer… reading that junk makes my brain spin.

10. The Depressed One: Everyone has bad days and everyone loves getting some sympathy from a caring friend, but most people don’t care THAT much. Especially if all of your updates are depressing. So your boyfriend canceled on you, your cable screwed up just seconds before the new episode of ‘I’m a Rich Bitch On Drugs Pt.1,’ and you have cramps. It happens. I’m sorry, but get over it.

11: The One Who Will Never Find Love: This one is last because this is the one that irritates me the most. So your girlfriend dumped you after two weeks and now you’re truly convinced that you will never find love. You rant about how much life sucks, how you want to die, how much love you gave that special girl during those everlasting two weeks, how all girls MUST be the same, and how much you fail because you’re such a nice guy. I just puked. Now because of you’re status I will officially become # 10. “Tears bleed down my cheeks as my heart breaks.”

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Computers and Internet

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Eating Dogs

February 3rd 2010 02:10

Two Irish nuns we're on their way to a new convent in the US
and on the plane ride over, one nun told that other that she
had heard that Americans eat dogs. The other nun was rather
aghast, but she said,” When in Rome, do as the Romans do..."

After getting settled, the more adventurous nun said to the
other that they should go try one of those dogs. So they set
off and found a local hot DOG stand. Each nun ordered one
and they took their "dogs" to the park to eat under the
trees. Finally one nun becomes brave and opened up the
wrapping on hers.

She looked at it and her face turned bright red. After what
seemed like an hour, she finally looked at the other nun and
said," "So what part of the dog did you get?"

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Religious and Heaven

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Jamaican Jokes

February 1st 2010 01:48

Nursery Rhymes - Jamaican Style
Mary had a likkle lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes down quite a treat,
with rice and hard dough bread .

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to de fair.
Said Simple Simon to de Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said de Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you fool whappin, you a hidiot!!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All de kings horses and all de kings men,
said " cha , 'im, only a egg."

Jack and Jill
Went up de hill
to have a likkle fun.
Idyat Jill forget she pill
and now them have a son.

Lessons From Granny

1. Ant follow fat, fat drown ant (Shows the negative effect of greed)

2. Bad ting no hab owner (No one ever owns up to a bad deed)

3. You nebber see empty bag tan up (If you are hungry you cannot work)

4. No put youself in a barrel when match-box can hol' you (Do not pretend to be more important than you are)

5. De Lard gib beard a them who no hab chin fe wear i (Some people have advantages that they cannot make use of)

6. Wha sweet a mout sometime hot a belly (First impressions are often wrong)

7. Big blanket mek man sleep late (Luxury encourages idleness)

8. Dry tump a cane-piece no fe laugh when cane piece ketch fire (Don't laugh at others' trouble: you yourself may suffer)

9. Bad name nebber kill darg (Never mind the scandal of this world)

10. When six yeye meet 'tory done (The intervention of a third person stops many a story)

11. Black fowl no fe you, you call him John Crow (You belittle what is not yours)

12. When herrin mauger, him bone show (Evil deeds will reveal themselves)

13. Ebery John Crow tink him pickney white (What is one's own is always the best)

14. Me lub pickney but me no nyam wid dem (Familiarity breeds contempt)

A Jamaican guy enters a resturant and while sitting at his table he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone. he calls the waiter over and asks for a bottle of the most expensive champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it she will be his.

the waiter gets the bottle and quickly takes it over to the young lady, saying that its from the gentleman. she looks at the champagne and decides to send a note back to the jamaican, the note reads...

"for me to accept this bottle you need to have a mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank and 9 inches in your trousers."

After Reading this note the jamaican sends back a note of his own, it reads...

"jus su yuh know...me av a bran new benz an a bran new bimma park up inna mi yard, an mi av over 10 million inna de bank but nuhbaddy an mi mean NUHBADDY nah gon mek mi cut 3 inch off a wah mi av inna mi pants...suh yuh can jus sen back di champagne!"

Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy’s homework assignment.
He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence ..*

1. Hotel – I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.

2. Dictate – My girfriend say my dictate good.

3. Catacomb – I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.

4. Foreclose – If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

5. Rectum – I had two Cadillac’s, but my bitch rectum both.

6. Disappointment – My parole officer tol’ me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.

7. Penis – I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.

8. Israel – Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, “man, it look fake.” He say, “Bullshit, that watch israel”…..

9. Undermine – There’s a fine lookin’ ho who live in the apartment undermine.

10. Acoustic – When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.

11. Iraq – When we got to the poolhall, I tol’ my uncle, iraq, you break.

12. Stain – My momma in law stopped by and I axed her, “You plan on stain for dinner?”

13. Fortify – I axed this ho on da street, “how much?” she say “fortify.”

14. Income – I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Ethnic

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Drive on the Left or Right Side?

January 29th 2010 06:54

Britain decided it was time to switch from left lane traffic to right lane traffic, just like everywhere else in Europe.

So they try to put together a plan for the whole thing and nobody seems to come up with any viable solution, so they send out some faxes to other nations asking for advice.

A couple of days later, answers come back. The French fax read: "As your neighbors, we are deeply touched you requested our help," etc., etc., "but we have no idea at all how to do it."

The German fax read: "We are Germany, the most organised country in Europe, but we have not had this problem before and we do not know how to handle it."

The Polish fax read: "As you know, we are Poland, a country that has done a lot on the path towards democracy and economic resuscitation.

"We have a great deal of experience in such transition processes. But, as to overcome the inherent difficulties and to avoid social problems, any and all transitions must be done gradually.

"So, it is our proposal to handle the situation in three big steps. The first year, it should be mandatory only for the trucks to ride on the right lane . . ."

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Ethnic

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Making a Big Impression

January 27th 2010 06:40

Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school.

He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Lawyers and Legal

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The Three Sons

January 25th 2010 06:23

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Family

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The Wife's Cat

January 22nd 2010 08:51

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Animals

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Betting With A Blonde

January 20th 2010 08:44

A redhead walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. She sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The redhead turns to the blonde and says, "You know, I bet he'll jump

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