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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Jokes

How To Start A Fight With A Dwarf

July 4th 2008 02:40

There I was on my way to work...
Getting into a fight was the furthest thing from my mind...
Wasn't even on the horizon...
I was in a great mood...
And then...
I rear-ended a car.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car ..
(and you know how you just-get-so-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny)?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it...
He was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'
...and that's when the fight started...

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Office and Work

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Paddy & The Tax Man

July 2nd 2008 02:33

The Inland Revenue Service

decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office.

The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Paddy. How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and says 'Okay, you're on!'

Paddy says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.'

Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Paddy says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other eye.'

The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Would you like to go double or nothing?' Paddy asks. I'll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains for all his worth, he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy. realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win.

But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really' says the solicitor.................

This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and pee all over your desk - AND THAT YOU WOULD BE HAPPY ABOUT IT'!

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Office and Work

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Lithgow Cow

June 30th 2008 02:20

The only cow in a small town near Mudgee stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow in Lithgow for $200.

They brought the cow from Lithgow and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could
not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. 'Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side.' The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, 'Did you by chance, buy this cow in Lithgow?'

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. 'You are truly a wise Vet,' they said. 'How did you know we got the cow in Lithgow?'

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, 'My wife is from Lithgow'

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Animals

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Dentist Jokes

June 27th 2008 05:50

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

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Actual Names of Practicing Dentists
Dr.Pullman, Dr.Filler, Dr.Fear, Dr.Rensch (pronounced wrench), Dr.Pick, Dr.Tusk, Dr. Drewel (pronounced "drool"),
Dr.Tucek (2thChk), Dr.Chu, Dr.Shugar, Dr.Pic, Dr.Pang, Dr.Butcher, Dr.Harm, Dr.Hurter, Dr.Toothaker, Dr.Lynch,
Dr.Root, Dr.Nasti, Dr.Paine/Payne/Pain (15 entries but notably Dr.Daryl B Payne = "There Will Be Pain"),
Dr.Smiley, Dr.Schotz, Dr.Hale (pronounced "hell" in southern), Dr.Bliss, Dr.Lancit, Dr.Gager, Dr. Eke

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A friend of mine went to the dentist recently. He commented that it must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth. He said, "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."

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Dentist begging the patient: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game.

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Patient: Doctor, I am very nervous. You know, this is my first extraction.
Young dentist: Don’t worry, it's my first extraction too.
Dentist: There goes the only woman I ever loved.
Assistant: Why don't you marry her?
Dentist: I can't afford to. She's my best patient.
Dentist: Just let me finish and you will be another man after these cosmetic procedures.
Patient: Okay doc, but don't forget to send your bill to the other man.
----------------------------- ----------------------------- ----------------------

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Doctors and Medical

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Job Interviews & Applicants

June 25th 2008 05:30

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young applicant fresh out of Business School, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The applicant said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say, a red Corvette?"

The applicant sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

Applicant Speak: what they say and what they mean by it:

I know how to deal with stressful situations:- I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication & organizational skills:- I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization:- I've used Microsoft Office.

My pertinent work experience includes:- I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I take pride in my work:- I blame others for my mistakes.

I'm balanced and centred:- I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunchroom.

I have a sense of humour:- I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

My background and skills match your requirements:- You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

I am adaptable:- I've changed jobs a lot.

I am on the go:- 'm never at my desk.

I'm highly motivated to succeed:- The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

I interact well with co-workers:- I've been accused of sexual harassment.

Thank you for your time and consideration:- Wait! Don't throw me away!

Employer Speak: what they say and what they mean by it

Entry level position:- You'll be making minimum wage.

Entry level position in an up-and-coming company:- You'll be making minimum wage; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

Competitive salary:- We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

Join our fast-paced company:- We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

Immediate opening:- The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

Casual work atmosphere:- We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up, although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

Competitive environment:- We have a lot of turnover.

Must be deadline oriented:- You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

Some overtime required:- Some time each night and some time each weekend.

Flexible hours:- Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

Must have an eye for detail:- We have no quality control.

Apply in person:- If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

No phone calls please:- We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

Problem solving skills a must:- You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Requires team leadership skills:- You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Office and Work

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