A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours
later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably, and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading
for a breakdown'.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that? - 2:30am! Luckily for him I was still up playing my trumpet.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor. She only had £1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.
The wife had been missing for a week. Police had told me to prepare for the worst. So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.