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Stella Awards 2012

April 18th 2012 02:28
It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.


stella awards 2012


Here are the Stellas for year -- 2012:


*SEVENTH PLACE*

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son

Start scratching!

* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Scratch some more...


* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching There are more...


Double head scratching after this one..


*FOURTH PLACE*

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..


* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Only two more so ease up on the scratching...


*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.


Ok. Here we go!!


* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

If you think the court system is out of control, be sure to pass this one on.
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The GFC In Simple Terms

February 29th 2012 01:22
The Global Financial System in simple terms.
GFC explained

Gordon was the proprietor of a bar in Glasgow. He realizes that virtually all of his customers are unemployed alcoholics and as such can no longer afford to patronize his bar.

To solve this problem, he comes up with a new marketing plan that allows his customers to drink now, but pay later. Gordon keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around about Gordon's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into his bar. Soon he has the largest sales volume for any bar in Glasgow.

By providing his customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Gordon gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, he substantially increases his prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages.
Consequently, Gordon's gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Gordon's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern because he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral!

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS. These 'securities' are then bundled and traded on international securities markets. Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as "AAA Secured Bonds" really are debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb - and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Gordon's bar.
He so informs Gordon.

Gordon then demands payment from his alcoholic patrons. But, being unemployed alcoholics - they cannot pay back their drinking debts.
Since Gordon cannot fulfill his loan obligations he is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Gordon's 11 employees lose their jobs.
Overnight, DRINKBOND prices drop by 90%.

The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community. The suppliers of Gordon's bar had granted him generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off his bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.

His wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, his beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved, make massive commissions, are employed by the government to get the banks and brokerage houses out of the shit, million pound no-strings attached cash infusion from the government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who have never even been in Gordon's bar.
37
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Serious Drink Drive Warning

January 11th 2012 05:28
We take safety very seriously and wish all our friends, colleagues and suppliers a safe weekend.

I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice claret.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from!


drink driving bus
25
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Men Will Never Win

November 25th 2011 01:50
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and Neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, The husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

women vs men


W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything
to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'



CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be So stupid and
so beautiful all at the same time.
' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!



WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who Should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first, And then we
don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'
The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and You should
do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible That the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament And showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'



THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
Other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, He
would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight..
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she
would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM And he
had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and See why his wife
hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by The bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'



Men are not equipped for this kind of contest.

God may have created man before woman,

But there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
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The Bravest Armed Forces

September 30th 2011 08:55
army navy air force marine joke
Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.

To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!"

"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.

The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general.

"Ah, that's nothing," says the Admiral, "Seaman!" A seaman appears, "YES, SIR!!" "Take this weapon," as he offers him an M14, "Scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms, and sing 'Anchors Aweigh.' Salute each of us, and jump off.

"YES SIR!!" replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole with the weapon high over his head, and completes the task perfectly.

"Now that's courage!" says the admiral.

"Courage, nothin'" snorts the Army general. "Get over here, private!"
"YES SIR!!" replies the private.

"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first."

"YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task.
"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"

They all look to the Marine. "Private," he says.
"YES SIR!!"

"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."

The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, "FUCK YOU SIR!!"

The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!"
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The Pirate Battles

September 28th 2011 08:50
Battle on the Ocean

pirate battle
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, 'Bring me my red shirt


[ Click here to read more ]
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We'll All Be Ruined

September 26th 2011 08:41
SAID HANRAHAN
We all have very short memories when it comes to previous financial crises, droughts, heatwaves and floods – nothing is new at all!.


[ Click here to read more ]
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Duck Jokes

September 23rd 2011 03:23
Duck Warning Sign
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence to collect the bird, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer replied, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field. Now I’m going in to retrieve it


[ Click here to read more ]
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Fun Facts About Jokes & Humour

September 21st 2011 03:17
According to research, jokes containing 103 words are the funniest.

duck jokes
Many jokes contain reference to animals. Research shows jokes mentioning ducks are funnier than others. Perhaps it’s because of their beaks, or webbed feet, or odd shape. Regardless, the implication is clear – if you are going to tell a joke involving an animal, make it a duck


[ Click here to read more ]
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Ashes Jokes

September 19th 2011 03:02
jokes about ashes cricket


Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Ricky Ponting: ''You lads can bat


[ Click here to read more ]
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