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[ March 2007 ] [ May 2007 ]

Jokes - April 2007

IQ Test for Professionals

April 30th 2007 12:33

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions.

This will test your IQ and tells whether you are qualified to be a "Professional".

The questions are very silly.
So no comments about the questions.

The questions are not that difficult, so don’t cheat by looking ahead!.

1.How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is:

Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and
close the door.

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer:
The Elephant.

The Elephant is in the refrigerator, remember.

This tests your memory.

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles.

How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You swim across. Why?
All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference.

This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Office and Work

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50th Birthday Jokes

April 27th 2007 10:40

The positive side of being an oldie:

over the hill 50th and 60th birthday jokes

• You’ll never have to endure those harrowing visits to the dentist again.
• You’ll save a fortune on shampoo.
• Your hernia operation will make you a star at the local pub.
• You will look distinguished with your receding hairline, double chin and wrinkles.
• You have survived the humiliation of middle age.
• You’ll no longer have to suffer the disappointment of thwarted ambitions – you no longer have any.
• You can finally sell those dreadful diet and exercise books that have sat unopened on the bookshelf for years.
• You’ll be the champ at history questions in the pub quiz.
• You can embarrass your family by entering glamorous granny or good-looking grandfather competitions.
• You don’t need to make an effort anymore – people will expect you to be frumpy, boring and cantankerous.
• Your failing memory allows you to convince yourself that you’re a super sex machine.
• You’ll be able to talk incessantly about the good old days.
• Your failing eyesight saves you the anguish of seeing your disintegrating body.

Helpful Tips for the over 50s:

• Never attempt bending down, except under strict medical supervision.
• Develop the power of a photographic memory – take photographs of everyone you need to remember.
• Use your ailing health to blackmail your children into doing all your gardening and housework.
• Avoid the company of young people they are a sad reminder of your long lost youth.
• Keep a diary – it will be a great source of comfort and a handy reminder of what you did yesterday.
• Cultivate friendships with people much older than yourself. This will make you feel so much younger.
• Finding your false teeth can be difficult when you mislay your spectacles. Always keep these vital items attached to you by pieces of string.
• No one will ever notice your frightful wrinkles if you only go out when it’s dark.
• Modern science enables even fifty year olds to have the youthful looks of a teenager – a simple head transplant is all it takes.
• Should you ever get the urge to go ‘all night clubing’ apply the simple rule – forget it!!
• Buy a computer, digital camera and a MP3 player. Although you’re incapable of understanding how to use them at least you’ll appear trendy.
• Take the strain off your tired out memory by labelling all household objects – bed, fridge, television etc.
• Look twenty years younger in an instant – borrow a baby and train it to call you ‘mummy’.
• Save all hairs that come loose when you brush your hair – one day medical science may develop a means of replanting them.
• Borrow a pram – pushing it around looks better than clutching a zimmer.
• Try to enjoy your fifties as much as is possible – after all the horrendous sixties are looming.
• Remember – Don’t Drink and Zimmer.

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Senior Citizens

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New National Government Symbol

April 25th 2007 10:22

The government today announced that it is changing it's national symbol to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the governments political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get any more accurate than that!

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Bush and Politics

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Priceless

April 23rd 2007 09:40

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night at a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping – Love you!!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT!.. Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!!".

Broken table - $585.26

Hot breakfast - $15.20

Red Rose bud - $10.00

Two aspirins - $0.30

Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless.

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Husband and Wife

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Doctor & Medical Jokes

April 20th 2007 11:44

A tired businessman complained to his doctor,
"What's wrong with me doctor? I feel awful."
"Let me ask you a few questions. Do you drink much alcohol?"
"None at all".
"What about smoking?"
"No, it's a filthy habit."
"Do you stay out late?"
"I'm in bed every night by ten thirty."
"Well, are you having sharp pains in the head?"
"Yes I am, all the time."
"Just as I thought," said the doctor. "Your halo's on too tight".

Arnie, the tailor was frantic. His wife, Rebecca, was sick and perhaps dying.
"Doctor, please save my wife. I'll pay anything."
"What if I can't cure her?"
"I'll pay you whether you cure her or kill her. Just come straight away."
Although the doctor was prompt is visiting the woman, she died a few days later. The doctor sent Arnie a hefty bill. The tailor couldn't hope to pay, and asked the doctor to appear before the rabbi with him, to have the case arbitrated.
"He agreed to pay me for treating his wife, whether I cured her, or killed her."
The rabbi asked thoughtfully,
"Well, did you cure her?"
"No."
"Then did you kill her?"
"Certainly not."
"In that case," said the rabbi, "you have no grounds on which to base a fee."

The doctor told the middle aged matron with a smile,
"Don't be worried about your son playing with dolls."
"It doesn't worry me, but his wife is most upset."

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Doctors and Medical

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Sky Diving Jokes

April 18th 2007 10:22

If at first you don't succeed, so much for sky diving.

[ Click here to read more ]

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Sport

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Football Team on a Bus

April 16th 2007 10:06

A championship football team was away playing in the country. After the match, the bus they were travelling in was involved in a serious accident. The driver, the coach and all the players were killed. The only survivor was the mascot - a chimpanzee.

Soon after the disaster, investigators came to determine the cause of the accident. They were interviewing the chimp, who was giving his answers in sign language

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Sport

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Money Well Spent

April 13th 2007 09:30

A couple went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it

[ Click here to read more ]

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Husband and Wife

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