Read + Write + Report
Home | Start a blog | About Orble | FAQ | Sites | Writers | Advertise | My Orble | Login

Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Jokes - May 2007

Curtain Rods - Priceless

May 30th 2007 12:15
Curtain Rods
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.


The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.


He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!!!!!!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
56
Vote
   


Life in the Australian Army

May 28th 2007 12:04
Below is the text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a smalltown, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

army jokes



Dear Mum & Dad,



I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.



Your loving daughter,



Sheila

34
Vote
   




Why Dogs are Better Than Women:




why dogs are better than women
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

7. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

8. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

9. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

10. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?"

11. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

12. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

14. Dogs like to ride in the back of a ute.

And last, but not least:

15. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
75
Vote
   


Chinese STDs

May 23rd 2007 07:09
While in China ,a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in Australia, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor Says: "I've got bad news for you -- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc." The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion." The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice."

chinese doctor
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease." The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Aussie docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!" Oh,Thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by it self...."
39
Vote
   


Female Self Esteem

May 21st 2007 10:00
FEMALE SELF-ESTEEM




female self esteem ugly betty
As we grow older, women gain weight. This happens because we accumulate a lot of information in our heads.

And then, of course, we get to a point in which so much information doesn’t fit in our heads. And then all of that information starts to distribute itself throughout our entire body. Now I understand it all …..….

I’m not overweight!!

I’m not fat!!

I’m smart!!

VERY smart!!


YES SIR!!
WE ARE PERFECT ….

We always know our kids are ours.

We have priority in a shipwreck.

We don’t pay the bill.

We’re the first hostages to go free.


-If we are cheated on,

we’re the victims

-If we cheat, the men are

The ones with the horns


We can sleep with a girlfriend and not be labeled as homosexuals.

We can pay attention to several things at a time.


If we decide to do a man’s job, we’re pioneers;

If a man decides to do a woman’s job, he’a a fag.



AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST:

We can do everyyyyyyyything a man does,

AND WEARING HEELS…!!!

29
Vote
   


Retirement Jokes

May 18th 2007 15:29
retirement jokes


1. A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head


[ Click here to read more ]
28
Vote
   


Looking Into the Mirror

May 16th 2007 15:43
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

Old woman mirror joke
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself


[ Click here to read more ]
32
Vote
   


Short Jokes

May 14th 2007 15:11
As they say, a short joke's a good joke. Here are some of the best examples:



[ Click here to read more ]
53
Vote
   


Smoking in a Gunpowder Factory

May 11th 2007 11:33
A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up the inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene, what happened?"

"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up


[ Click here to read more ]
35
Vote
   


Little Johnny Jokes

May 9th 2007 11:18
Little Johnny jokes are about a small boy who likes to ask embarrassing questions and has a very straightforward thinking. At times he is well educated in the terminology of sex (then he is known as (Little) dirty Johnny or other unprintable names) while at others he is all too innocent. Here are some examples:


[ Click here to read more ]
44
Vote
   


Lawyer Jokes

May 7th 2007 10:54
Short Honest lawyer jokes


A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special


[ Click here to read more ]
38
Vote
   


The Parrot From the Pet Shop

May 4th 2007 14:20
A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present. The next day he went to the pet shop and saw three, identical parrots in a cage.

talking parrots pet shop boss
He asked the owner, "how much for the parrot on the right? The pet shop owner said it was $250


[ Click here to read more ]
35
Vote
   


Breakfast in Paris

May 2nd 2007 12:54
An Australian is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.
The Australian ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

[ Click here to read more ]
40
Vote
   


More Posts
9 Posts
14 Posts
13 Posts
502 Posts dating from March 2006
Email Subscription
Receive e-mail notifications of new posts on this blog:

Ian's Blogs

27335 Vote(s)
1013 Comment(s)
485 Post(s)
0 Vote(s)
0 Comment(s)
0 Post(s)
0 Vote(s)
0 Comment(s)
0 Post(s)
24701 Vote(s)
168 Comment(s)
483 Post(s)
23410 Vote(s)
373 Comment(s)
469 Post(s)
Jay's Blog (Member)
1824 Vote(s)
54 Comment(s)
39 Post(s)
Moderated by Ian
Copyright © 2006 2007 2008 On Topic Media PTY LTD. All Rights Reserved. Design by Vimu.com.
On Topic Media ZPages: Sydney |  Melbourne |  Brisbane |  London |  Birmingham |  Leeds     [ Advertise ] [ Contact Us ] [ Privacy Policy ]