Over 15,000 readers every month

Get paid to write for Jokes.org.au

Submit a Post
Click Here

E-mail Subscription

Receive an e-mail notification of new posts on this site:

Vimu Subscription

Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

[ May 2007 ] [ July 2007 ]

Jokes - June 2007

The Bus Driver and the Nun

June 29th 2007 02:45

THE HIPPIE AND THE NUN

Bus driver, hippie and the Nun. Sign - Never Trust a Hippie

A hippie gets on the bus and spots a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her "Can we have sex?"

"NO," she replies, "I'm married to God."

She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who overheard turns to the hippie and says "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?" says the hippie.

"Yeah!" says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.

"Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries "I am the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver!"

Vote

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Ian - Category: Religious and Heaven

Email this Post to a Friend

Test for Dementia

June 27th 2007 02:33

Test for Dementia

Below are four ( 4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)

First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person.
What position are you in?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?

You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 Add another 1000 Now add 20 Now add another 1000 Now add 10 What is the total?

Scroll down for answer.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe.

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4.
Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.

Vote

Comments (3)

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Ian - Category: Misc

Email this Post to a Friend

Business Management Lesson

June 25th 2007 02:21

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me
screw you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.

She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

Vote

Comments (1)

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Ian - Category: Office and Work

Email this Post to a Friend

Engineer in Court

June 22nd 2007 11:15

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it.

The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but the plaintiff's lawyer sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked.

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"

Vote

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Ian - Category: Lawyers and Legal

Email this Post to a Friend

Kiwi Immigrating to Australia

June 20th 2007 11:06

A KIWI is hoping to immigrate to Australia, and arrives at Kingsford Smith Airport on a sunny Wednesday morning full of optimism for the future.

Still, things do not go quite as planned ...

"What is your business in Australia?" the customs officer asks him politely.
" I wish to immigrate," the Kiwi replies.

"Do you have a criminal record?" the officer inquires.

Stunned, the crestfallen Kiwi replies: "Geez, bro, I didn't think you still needed one".

Vote

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Ian - Category: Australia and New Zealand

Email this Post to a Friend

Materialism....

June 18th 2007 10:35

Who says lawyers are materialistic!!

[ Click here to read more ]

Vote

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Ian - Category: Lawyers and Legal

Email this Post to a Friend

A Priest, A Hair Dryer and a Customs Officer

June 15th 2007 14:36

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course. What may I do for you

[ Click here to read more ]

Vote

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Ian - Category: Religious and Heaven

Email this Post to a Friend

Mathematics of Life

June 13th 2007 08:01

A SMALL TRUTH TO MAKE LIFE 100%

[ Click here to read more ]

Vote

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Ian - Category: Misc

Email this Post to a Friend

Barry 'The Cougar' Dawson

June 11th 2007 07:53

[ Click here to read more ]

Vote

Comments (5)

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Ian - Category: Misc

Email this Post to a Friend

Warning: This is Possibly the Worst Joke of all Time!

June 8th 2007 10:27

Rabbit hare hair spray wave - Worst joke of all time

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong

[ Click here to read more ]

Vote

Comments (2)

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Ian - Category: Animals

Email this Post to a Friend

Bungee Jumping

June 6th 2007 23:22

[ Click here to read more ]

Vote

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Michael Shillito - Category: Misc

Email this Post to a Friend

Tax Jokes

June 6th 2007 10:05

There was a time when $200.00 was the down-payment on a car; now it's the sales tax.

If my business gets much worse, I won't have to lie on my next tax return

[ Click here to read more ]

Vote

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Ian - Category: Office and Work

Email this Post to a Friend

Did You Know?

June 4th 2007 09:50

The muscles in your heart have the strength to shoot your blood 10 meters in the air?

[ Click here to read more ]

Vote

Comments (4)

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Ian - Category: Misc

Email this Post to a Friend

Bar Jokes

June 1st 2007 12:25

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink, she says, "It's my birthday today, and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink; in fact, I'll take care of this one for you." As the women finishes her drink the woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink."
The old woman says, "All right. Bartender, I want a scotch and two drops of water

[ Click here to read more ]

Vote

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Ian - Category: Bar and Drinking

Email this Post to a Friend

November 2008

9 Posts

October 2008

14 Posts

September 2008

13 Posts