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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

[ June 2007 ] [ August 2007 ]

Jokes - July 2007

How to Tell When You Are Over the Hill

July 30th 2007 11:36

Over The Hill

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You buy shoes with crepe rubber soles.

The only reason you're still awake at 2 a.m. is indigestion.

People ask you what color your hair used to be.

You enjoy watching the news.

Your car must have four doors.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You have a dream about prunes.

You browse the bran cereal section in the grocery store.

You think a C.D. is a certificate of deposit.

You have more than 2 pair of glasses.

You read the obituaries daily.

Your biggest concern when dancing is falling.

You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

You know all the warning signs of a heart attack.

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Senior Citizens

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Computer Programmer on a Deserted Island

July 27th 2007 02:53

A computer programmer finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life....'til the boat sank. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies...Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

Computer Programmer on a Deserted Island

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gumtree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But-- but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware. The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place, " she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?" "No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines --strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know ... " She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean -- ?", he replies, "-- I can check my e-mail from here?"

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Computers and Internet

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Men

July 25th 2007 02:39

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Why buy the bull if you can get him to jump the fence? Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

1. Men are like ...Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like. ... Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ...... Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .......Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like .... Commercials.... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ... Department Stores .... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like . .Chinese food ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like .. Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ... Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ..Parking Spots ......... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Men and Women

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Pick Up Line.....

July 23rd 2007 02:28

An Australian is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.

The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The Aussie explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!''

The Aussie smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody things running about an hour fast, can I buy you a drink?

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Men and Women

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Computer Games

July 23rd 2007 00:40

There's been a lot of talk about computer games having a subliminal effect on players, affecting their behaviour in real life.
Such talk is, of course, unfounded. The most popular computer game is Pacman. If Pacman had a subliminal effect on anyone they would be running around in darkened rooms, munching on pills and listening to repetitive music.

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Posted By: Michael Shillito - Category: Computers and Internet

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Warning: This Joke is Not Politically Correct

July 20th 2007 02:43

As the Air Force cargo aircraft pushed back from the gate, the Loadmistress gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your Aircraft Commander, Major Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination.'

Sgt. Looper, sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the Major a woman?' When the cargo crew came by, he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the Major a woman

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Military and Army

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Aussie Ingenuity

July 18th 2007 02:37

QC received a very amusing although naughty e-mail from a spy at the Department of Transport this week. Our mate informs us that four youths from Canberra recently pulled off a trick of breathtaking bravado to gain revenge on a mobile speed-camera van operating in the area. Three of the group approached the van and distracted the operator's attention by asking a series of questions about how the equipment worked and how many cars the operator would catch in a day. Meanwhile, the fourth musketeer sneaked to the front of the van and unscrewed its number plate. "After bidding the van operator goodbye, the friends returned home, fixed the number plate to the car and drove through the camera's radar at high speed - 17 times," our transport spy writes. "As a result, the automated billing system issued 17 speeding tickets to itself. Go Aussies

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Police and Cops

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The Perfect Day

July 16th 2007 02:20

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER…

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Men and Women

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Friday the 13th

July 13th 2007 00:19

As I'm sure you're all aware, today is Friday the thirteenth (Black Friday). Every year will have at least one Friday the 13th fall in one of the months, with a maximum of 3 times (months) that it will occur in a year.
Did you know that in America over 21 million people will stay home due to superstition?
Did you also know that in Australia there are slightly less cars on the road on Friday the 13th, but slightly more accidents occur

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Misc

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