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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

[ July 2007 ] [ September 2007 ]

Jokes - August 2007

Irish Customs Officers

August 31st 2007 08:51

irish customs officer and an audi quattro

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at a European border checkpoint. Paddy, the Customs officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.
"The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Officer Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Ethnic

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A Blonde Goes Fishing...

August 29th 2007 08:40

A blonde in Canada wanted to do a spot of ice fishing. So after getting all the right tools together, she headed towards the nearest frozen lake.

After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

Startled, the women moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot
chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

This time quite scared, the women moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
She raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?''

The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.''

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Blondes

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Little Jonny On....

August 27th 2007 08:31

Little Jonny on: Survival
Little Jonny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Jonny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?¡° replied the man. "
Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
"No" replied Little Jonny, "he minded his own f*cking business!!"

Little Jonny on: Philosophy
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Jonny.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little Jonny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Jonny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

Little Jonny on: Math
Little Jonny returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks his father.
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied Jonny.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f*cking difference? " asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

Little Jonny on: English
Little Jonny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Jonny says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Jonny, that's a mouthful."
Little Jonny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a bl*wjob."

Little Jonny on: Grammar
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with,
"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful Banquet and it turned out beautifully."
The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then, she reluctantly called on little Jonny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just f***ing beautiful!"

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Posted By: Ian - Category: School and Kids

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Drinking Water

August 24th 2007 09:31

This is a very important public health information warning and I know I will be correcting the situation immediately!!

Water and Wine Education:

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in faeces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop!

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = Poop

WINE = HEALTH

Free yourself of Poop, drink WINE!!!

It is better to drink wine and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service.

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Bar and Drinking

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The Banister of Life

August 22nd 2007 09:25

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life; Remember

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called .......... "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8.. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Misc

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People and Their Drinks

August 20th 2007 09:16

A recent magazine survey, interviewed fifty bartenders and they were asked if they could identify a customer’s personality on what drinks they ordered? Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Bar and Drinking

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Little Billy

August 17th 2007 01:54

Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." "Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" "No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking business!!"

LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY: A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little BILLY. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking

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Posted By: Ian - Category: School and Kids

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Very Expensive Jewelry

August 15th 2007 01:40

expensive diamond bracelet jewelry store

A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She browses around and spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Office and Work

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The Most Dangerous Snake in the World

August 13th 2007 01:02

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Men and Women

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One Liners

August 10th 2007 02:37

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Misc

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Did I Mention I've Had a Sex Change?

August 8th 2007 02:28

Picture on the nightstand by the bed. That's me before the operation

After a long night of making love, Peter notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Men and Women

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Philosophy of Sex & Relationships

August 6th 2007 02:14

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." --Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." --Steve Martin

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Men and Women

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Senior Citizens Jokes

August 3rd 2007 11:53

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Senior Citizens

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Are You Hard of Hearing?

August 1st 2007 11:47

Hard of hearing going deaf and hearing aid jokes

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
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Posted By: Ian - Category: Senior Citizens

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