Read + Write + Report
Home | Start a blog | About Orble | FAQ | Blogs | Writers | Paid | My Orble | Login

Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Jokes - September 2007

Some Things to Think About

September 28th 2007 13:01
some things to ponder
For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity...



1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor....


3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15 Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?


17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

30. Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
52
Vote
   


Jokes for the Ladies

September 26th 2007 12:51
The Why's of Men


1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know.....it never happened)

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)


----------------------------- ------------------

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt, seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...


----------------------------- ------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."


----------------------------- ----------------------------- -

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.


----------------------------- ------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour.


----------------------------- ----------------------------- -

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN


----------------------------- ------------------

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.


----------------------------- ------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

----------------------------- ----------------------------- -

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual."

41
Vote
   


Harry is Too Smart for the 1st Grade

September 24th 2007 12:39
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."

Principal: " What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?"
Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......
65
Vote
   


Elephant Jokes

September 21st 2007 12:20
Elephant Jokes


Q: How can you tell that an elephant is in the bathtub with you?
A: By the smell of peanuts on its breath.

Q: How can you tell that an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the footprints in the butter.

Q: What did the Dallas chief of police say when the elephant walked into the police station?
A: Nothing! He didn't notice.

Q: What is big and grey and comes in quarts?
A: An elephant.

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: Hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Have you ever seen a yellow elephant?

Q: How many elephants will fit into a Mini?
A: Four: Two in the front, two in the back.
Q: How many giraffes will fit into a Mini?
A: None. It's full of elephants.
Q: How do you get two whales in a Mini?
A: Along the M4 and across the Severn Bridge.
Q: How do you know there are two elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can hear giggling when the light goes out.
Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can't close the door.
Q: How do you know there are four elephants in your refrigerator?
A: The Mini is parked outside.

Q: What do elephants have that nothing else has?
A: Baby elephants.

Q: What is grey, has four legs, and a trunk?
A: A mouse going on holiday.

Q: What is brown, has four legs, and a trunk?
A: A mouse coming back from holiday.

Q: What has eight legs, two trunks, four eyes, and two tails?
A: Two elephants.

Q: What's harder than getting a pregnant elephant into a Volkswagen?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a Volkswagen.



*This article is licensed under the GNU Free Documentation Licence. It uses material from the Wikipedia articles Elephant joke.
43
Vote
   


Profound Thoughts

September 19th 2007 12:04
Did you ever stop and wonder…


Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?

Profound Thoughts - Ever Wonder?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does a Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!


What do you call male ballerinas?

If Wile E. Coyote from the Road Runner had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?




59
Vote
   


Leprechaun

September 17th 2007 11:53
An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

Leprechaun Irish Ireland golf wish
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him


[ Click here to read more ]
52
Vote
   


tips for dealing with junk mail
Three Little Words That Work !!

(1) The three little words : "Hold On, Please


[ Click here to read more ]
98
Vote
   


Momma and her belt

September 14th 2007 08:02
A young child named Billy was quite troublesome for his age, but there was only one thing that he feared and that was the crack of his Momma's belt because he knew that once the leather connected it stung so bad that it would seem as though he had a horrible itch, rubbing against the wall try and releive the warm tingling feeling.
One day Momma got a phone call from the pricipal and she told Billy that if he had done something bad that he was gonn get it. Billy thougt in his mind of all of the malicious things that he had done recently that the principal could've warranted as an excuse for a one on one with Momma.
"Billy have you done anything wrong?", asked Momma. "No Momma, No, Honest", "the Principal don't like me, he always lyin on me", said Billy. Momma replied "well Billy you know I don't like lyin, so you better be tellin the truth". When she arrived at the office she sat Billy down on a chair positioned outside of the Principal's door. Momma was carrying her Heavy bag today and as she worked her way over to the chair in front of the Prinicpals desk the strap snapped right off, spilling all of the conents on the floor


[ Click here to read more ]
56
Vote
   


Business and Government Strategies

September 12th 2007 13:27
The tribal wisdoms of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says 'when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount'.
However, in business and government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

[ Click here to read more ]
67
Vote
   


Top Ten Suggestions for Guys While...

September 10th 2007 13:07
Top Ten Suggestions for Guys While Playing Golf and/or Taking a Leak in a Public Bathroom...

golf toilet bathroom tips

[ Click here to read more ]
60
Vote
   


Pauline Hanson at the Pearly Gates

September 7th 2007 15:13
St. Peter's standing at the Pearly Gates, screening admissions, and someone comes up to him.

"Excuse me, can I come in ? I'm Ludwig van Beethoven


[ Click here to read more ]
45
Vote
   


Even More Irish Jokes

September 5th 2007 14:53
49
Vote
   


Construction Site

September 3rd 2007 14:41
Construction site, builders, wheelbarrow

A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back


[ Click here to read more ]
48
Vote
   


More Posts
1 Posts
1 Posts
1 Posts
964 Posts dating from March 2006
Email Subscription
Receive e-mail notifications of new posts on this blog:

Ian's Blogs

75388 Vote(s)
1627 Comment(s)
1036 Post(s)
0 Vote(s)
0 Comment(s)
0 Post(s)
0 Vote(s)
0 Comment(s)
0 Post(s)
65768 Vote(s)
236 Comment(s)
1036 Post(s)
60407 Vote(s)
613 Comment(s)
941 Post(s)
Jay's Blog (Member)
3614 Vote(s)
54 Comment(s)
39 Post(s)
Moderated by Ian
Copyright © 2012 On Topic Media PTY LTD. All Rights Reserved. Design by Vimu.com.
On Topic Media ZPages: Sydney |  Melbourne |  Brisbane |  London |  Birmingham |  Leeds     [ Advertise ] [ Contact Us ] [ Privacy Policy ]