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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Jokes - November 2007

Blonde Joke

November 30th 2007 01:49
Dumb Blonde Joke - Milk Bath
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons...So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.


The blonde came to the door and the milkman said..."I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said..."I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked..."Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said..."No, just up to my chest. I can splash it on my face".
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How Do Nerds Explain the Birds and Bees?

November 28th 2007 01:40
Daddy, where did I come from?



A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mother and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:



Scroll down...You'll love this ....























You've got male. How was I born? - Baby

"You got Male!"
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Natal Curry Contest

November 26th 2007 01:20
Chili Chilli peppers - curry competition
Please take time to read this slowly. For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is. They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

CHILI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uraniums pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chili peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I 'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice-cream.

CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?
Judge # 3 - No Report
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Schools are finally starting to teach practical math that these kids can use in real-world situations!


NAME____________________
GANG/CREW NAME______________
CRIB_________________


1. Ramón has an AK-47 with a 30-round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramón attempt before he has to reload?


2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?


3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day crack habit?


4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make a 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?


5. Up to $100 for a 4x4 vehicle - more for foreign cars - less for domestic cars. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 - 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?


6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?


7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how much tagging can be sprayed with three 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?


8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang.. There are 20 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?


9. La Shaunda is a lookout for the gang. La Shaunda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If La Shaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?



10. Marvin steals Juan's skate board. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Juan loads his .357 Magnum. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

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Pocket Taser Stun Gun

November 21st 2007 10:03
Pocket Taser Stun Gun


Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.


A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd Anniversary, and I was looking for a little something "extra" for my wife.

I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on the assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device, and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the thing, and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all THAT bad, with only two triple-A batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions, and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie, (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She's such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top, with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms, and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would just be wasting the batteries.

All the while, I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; (pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "NO possible way!"


What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't POSSIBLY hurt all that bad...


I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over, and over, and over, and over again.


I vaguely recall waking up on my side, in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, and undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is NO SUCH THING as a "one-second burst", when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-%#&**%#... that hurt!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles.

I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

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Evening Classes For Men

November 19th 2007 09:25
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN


[ Click here to read more ]
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Funniest Joke Ever

November 16th 2007 03:17
Best Joke of all time??

best joke of all time
Detective work by a professor investigating the psychology of humour has revealed that Spike Milligan was the author of the world's funniest joke


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Horse Racing Jokes

November 14th 2007 03:00
Horse laughing at racing jokes
The fun thing about betting on horse racing is that you're guaranteed to win! All you have to do is bet on all the horses.

What's the difference between praying in church and at the track? At the track you really mean it


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Bill Gates' Advice to Students

November 12th 2007 02:49
Bill Gates advice to students
Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.


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Kevin Rudd Jokes

November 9th 2007 10:34
Kevin Rudd Jokes 07
Did you hear that Kevin Rudd saw a disappointing poll this morning? It was bereft of a gyrating naked woman...


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Some Naughty Jokes

November 7th 2007 10:25
naughty jokes. Jelly babies
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."

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Three Brazilian Soldiers

November 5th 2007 10:11
Robert Gates briefed the President this morning,. He told Bush that Three Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the colour ran from Bush's face, the he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Gates, "Just how many is three Brazillion?"


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False Teeth

November 2nd 2007 11:49
An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said, "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had."

Old people kissing
The old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. Then she said, "I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity." The old man again feeling obligated reached over and gently placed his hand on hers. The elderly woman then stated, "I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine


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