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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Jokes - December 2007

Cookies

December 31st 2007 07:19
Favourite Cookies Biscuits
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite biscuits wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits, freshly baked.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in crumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was
suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.............

"Rack off" she said, "they're for the funeral."




*Image source.
84
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My Experience at the Centrelink Office

December 28th 2007 11:04
Centrelink Office
After retiring, I went to the Centrelink Office to apply for benefits.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.


The woman said "Unbutton your shirt."

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Centrelink Office
She said, "You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten disability, too." ;

85
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Are You Deadly at Scrabble?

December 26th 2007 10:52
Scrabble anagrams
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!


DILIP VENGSARKAR
When you rearrange the letters:
SPARKLING DRIVE

BAR THEDA
When you rearrange the letters:
ARAB DEATH

PRINCESS DIANA
When you rearrange the letters:
END IS A CAR SPIN

MONICA LEWINSKY
When you rearrange the letters:
NICE SILKY WOMAN

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

86
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How to Get Sick Leave

December 24th 2007 10:32

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "crazy" then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was "crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What on earth do you think you are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "..And where do you think you're going?!"

(You're gonna love this....)






Sick leave light bulb blonde







She said, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.
103
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My First Time...

December 21st 2007 11:07
It was my first time ever,
And I'll never forget.
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.

The sky was dark,
The moon was high,
We were all alone:
Just she and I.

Her hair was soft,
Her eyes were blue,
I knew just what
She wanted to do.

Her skin so soft,
Her legs so fine,
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.

I didn't know how
But I tried my best,
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.

I remember my fear,
My fast beating heart,
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.

And when I did it,
I felt no shame;
All at once
The white stuff came.

At last it's finished,
It's all over now.
My first time ever
At milking a cow...



My first time at milking a cow
75
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A Christmas Story

December 19th 2007 11:01
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
"Your miserable brats and ungrateful jerks


[ Click here to read more ]
63
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Peanuts

December 17th 2007 10:45
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.


[ Click here to read more ]
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School 1960 vs. School 2007

December 14th 2007 06:27
Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1960 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack


[ Click here to read more ]
103
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Is Your Mind Normal or DIfferent?

December 12th 2007 06:35
Have you ever wondered if your mind is normal or different?? Well, do this little mind exercise and find out at the end!! Free will or synaptic wiring? You be the judge. Check out the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow. There's no trick or surprise. Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can. Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them...really. Now, scroll down (but not too fast,you might miss something)........


[ Click here to read more ]
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Christmas Jokes

December 10th 2007 07:00
Christmas xmas jokes
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

[ Click here to read more ]
86
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Western Australia

December 7th 2007 01:35
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven , God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting


[ Click here to read more ]
82
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Australian Tourism Help & Advice

December 5th 2007 01:26
Australian Tourism Help & Advice funny website answers
These questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.

_____________________________ _____________________


[ Click here to read more ]
144
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A Couple of Rounds Into That Beaver

December 3rd 2007 01:16
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that


[ Click here to read more ]
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