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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Jokes - January 2008

Baby Jokes

January 30th 2008 03:30
Funny baby Jokes
What does a baby computer call his father?
Data.



The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest
of his family who were waiting for the news: “We had twins!”
The family was so excited they immediately asked, “Who do they look

like?”
The father paused, smiled, and said, “Each other.”



A man goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son.
The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies, “Euro.”
The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it’s a currency.
The man says: “What? There weren’t any objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Frank.”



"There's a new baby at our house," Sally informed the mailman.
"Is that so? Is he going to stay?" asked the mailman.
"I think so," replied Sally glumly. "He's got all his things off."



One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands, so the proud father stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of, but the baby just wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.
After the doctor listened to all the father had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he opened the diaper, he found was

indeed full.
"Here's the problem," the doctor explained. "He just needs to be changed."
The perplexed father remarked, "But the diaper package specifically says it's good for up to 10 pounds!"



A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "There's no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
79
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Clever Questions

January 28th 2008 03:15
clever questions to ponder
CAN YOU CRY UNDER WATER?
_____________________________ ___________

HOW IMPORTANT DOES A PERSON HAVE TO BE BEFORE THEY ARE CONSIDERED ASSASSINATED INSTEAD OF JUST MURDERED?
_____________________________ ___________

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO 'PUT YOUR TWO CENTS IN'..
BUT IT'S ONLY A 'PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS'?
WHERE'S THAT EXTRA PENNY GOING?

WHY DOES A ROUND PIZZA COME IN A SQUARE BOX?
_____________________________ ___________

WHAT DISEASE DID CURED HAM ACTUALLY HAVE?
_____________________________ ___________

HOW IS IT THAT WE PUT MAN ON THE MOON
BEFORE WE FIGURED OUT IT WOULD BE
A GOOD IDEA TO PUT WHEELS ON LUGGAGE?
_____________________________ ___________

WHY IS IT THAT PEOPLE SAY THEY 'SLEPT LIKE A BABY' WHEN BABIES WAKE UP LIKE EVERY TWO HOURS?
_____________________________ ___________

IF A DEAF PERSON HAS TO GO TO COURT,
IS IT STILL CALLED A HEARING?
_____________________________ ___________

WHY ARE YOU IN A MOVIE, BUT YOU'RE ON TV?
_____________________________ ___________

WHY DO PEOPLE PAY TO GO UP TALL BUILDINGS AND THEN PUT MONEY IN BINOCULARS TO LOOK AT THINGS ON THE GROUND?
_____________________________ ___________

WHY DO DOCTORS LEAVE THE ROOM WHILE YOU CHANGE?
THEY'RE GOING TO SEE YOU NAKED ANYWAY.
_____________________________ ___________
WHY IS 'BRA' SINGULAR AND 'PANTIES' PLURAL?
_____________________________ ___________

WHY DO TOASTERS ALWAYS HAVE A SETTING THAT BURNS THE TOAST TO A HORRIBLE CRISP,
WHICH NO DECENT HUMAN BEING WOULD EAT?
_____________________________ ___________

IF JIMMY CRACKS CORN AND NO ONE CARES,
WHY IS THERE A STUPID SONG ABOUT HIM?

_____________________________ ___________
IF THE PROFESSOR ON GILLIGAN'S ISLAND CAN MAKE A RADIO OUT OF A COCONUT, WHY CAN'T HE FIX A HOLE IN A BOAT?
_____________________________ ___________

WHY DOES GOOFY STAND ERECT WHILE PLUTO REMAINS ON ALL FOURS?
THEY'RE BOTH DOGS!
_____________________________ ___________

IF WILE E. COYOTE HAD ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY ALL THAT ACME CRAP, WHY DIDN'T HE JUST BUY DINNER?
_____________________________ ___________

IF CORN OIL IS MADE FROM CORN, AND VEGETABLE OIL IS MADE FROM VEGETABLES, WHAT IS BABY OIL MADE FROM?
_____________________________ ___________

IF ELECTRICITY COMES FROM ELECTRONS,
DOES MORALITY COME FROM MORONS?
_____________________________ ___________

DO THE ALPHABET SONG AND TWINKLE, TWINKLE LITTLE STAR HAVE THE SAME TUNE?
_____________________________ ___________

WHY DID YOU JUST TRY SINGING THE TWO SONGS ABOVE?
_____________________________ ___________

WHY DO THEY CALL IT AN ASTEROID WHEN IT'S OUTSIDE THE HEMISPHERE, BUT CALL IT A HEMORRHOID WHEN IT'S IN YOUR BUTT?
_____________________________ ___________

DID YOU EVER NOTICE THAT WHEN YOU BLOW IN A DOG'S FACE, HE GETS MAD AT YOU, BUT WHEN YOU TAKE HIM FOR A CAR RIDE, HE STICKS HIS HEAD OUT THE WINDOW?
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Melbourne Barbie Doll Range

January 25th 2008 01:20
Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Melbourne market:



"South Yarra Barbie"
This princess Barbie is sold only in Toorak Road. She comes with an assortment of Prada Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a designer kitchen. Available with or without tummy tuck and face-lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

New Barbie Doll range - South Yarra



"Balwyn Barbie"
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

Melbourne Barbie Doll range - Balwyn



"Footscray Barbie"
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ...unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

Footscray Barbie Doll



"Armadale Barbie"
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2.. Included are her own cappuccino cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Melbourne market: Armadale



"Altona Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a V8 Supercar t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Carlton Draught and a Jimmy Barnes CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Altona racing Barbie with beer and ute



"South Melbourne Barbie"
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as warehouse conversion condo.

Trendy South Melbourne Barbie Doll



"Frankston Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Butler Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

Frankston Barbie



"Brunswick Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Point Breeze Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

Melbourne Barbie Dolls - Brunswick. Lesbian



"Collingwood Barbie"
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Collingwood Barbie Doll



"Portsea Barbie"
She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is because he's always out playing golf or fishing.

Melbourne Barbie Dolls - Portsea perfect in every way



"St Kilda Barbie/Ken"
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on body parts.

Melbourne Barbie Dolls - St Kilda Barbie Ken Doll


68
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Cake or Bed

January 23rd 2008 01:41

Cake or Bed. Betty Crocker
WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE?

CAKE OR BED?????

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY; FIX THE LIGHT, NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A G.E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!

THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK.

I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS, HE SAYS. DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT.

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?

SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE
YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!
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Your mobile cell phone will ring after reading this post
Ok guys, this truly is freaky, my cell literally rang as soon as I read the last word of this post!!!!!
----------------------------- ----------------------------- ----------
My phone did to!! =l
----------------------------- ----------------------------- ----------
My phone rang while I was reading this
Wow my phone rang too
----------------------------- ----------------------------- ------------
hOLY cRAP mY CELL pHONE RANG!!!!! ahHHHHHH
----------------------------- ----------------------------- ----------
ok my phone rang before it was done...
----------------------------- ----------------------------- -----------
my fone rang during it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
----------------------------- ----------------------------- ------------.
This works so try it yourself
----------------------------- ----------------------------- -------------
dude as gosh as my witness i just went to type "i dont hear my phone ringing" and it rang. Amazing!!

----------------------------- ----------------------------- -----------------
My phone didn't ring!!!! haha
----------------------------- ----------------------------- -----------------
ya my phone def. didnt ring.....
----------------------------- ----------------------------- -----------------















I am taking the bait - what do I have to lose right?







Hope it works!







Supposedly The Phone Will Ring
Right After You Do This.










Just read the little stories and think of a wish as you scroll all the way to the bottom. There is
a message there - then make your wish.












Stories:



I'm 13 years old, and I wished that my dad would come home from the army, because he'd been having problems with his heart and right leg. It was 2:53 p.m . When I made my wish. At 3:07 p.m. (14 minutes later), the doorbell rang, and there my Dad was, luggage and all!!









I'm Katie and I'm 20 and I've been having trouble in my job and on the verge of quitting. I made a simple wish that my boss would get a new job. That was at 1:35 and at 2:55 there was an announcement that he was promoted and was leaving for another city. Believe me...this
really works!!!















My name is Ann and I am 45 years of age. I had always been single and had been hoping to get into a nice, loving relationship for many years. While kind of daydreaming (and right after reading this post) I wished that a quality person would finally come into my life. That was at
9:10 AM on a Tuesday. At 9:55 AM a FedEx delivery man came into my office.He was cute, polite and could not stop smiling at me. He started coming back almost everyday (even without packages) and asked me out a week later. We married 6 months later and now have been happily married for 2 years.
















Just scroll down to the end, but while you do, think of a wish.
Make your wish when you have completed scrolling. Whatever age you are, is the number of minutes it will take for your wish to come true. ex.you are 25 years old, it will take 25 minutes for your wish to come true).








Go for it!!!















SCROLL DOWN!!!!



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STOP!!!



Congratulations!!! Your wish will now come true in your age minutes.



Now follow this carefully....it can be very rewarding!!!!



If you repost this within the next 5 min. something major that you've been wanting will happen.



This is scary!



The phone will ring right after you do this :]


89
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Movies Between Your Legs

January 18th 2008 01:38
movie titles between your legs
OK here's the rules.. Think up a movie title (ANY movie title), and add "Between Your Legs" to the movie title.
See if you can come up with any more!!

[ Click here to read more ]
91
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The Oil Crisis Explained

January 16th 2008 01:30
australian american oil crisis explained
Australian Oil Crisis Explained

A lot of people can't understand how we came

[ Click here to read more ]
82
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Not sure how much of this is true but.......................... ...


[ Click here to read more ]
95
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Animal Jokes

January 11th 2008 14:31
81
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Australian Jokes

January 9th 2008 14:05

Australian Jokes
Only in Australia!


[ Click here to read more ]
79
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Funny Quotes

January 7th 2008 13:39
funny quotes - money bags


Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours


[ Click here to read more ]
77
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crazy stupid dumb laws all over the world
In the UK the public voted on which laws they thought were the craziest, ridiculous, stupidest or dumbest at home and around the rest of the world. The results are below:


[ Click here to read more ]
85
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Does it Fit on a Camel?

January 2nd 2008 07:27
As long as it fits on a camel
Sophie and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Sophie pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that


[ Click here to read more ]
91
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