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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Jokes - March 2008

An Italian Boy's Confession

March 31st 2008 01:24
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl".

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is

"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation"

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."


"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave
yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads."
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BBC & TV Double Entendres

March 28th 2008 01:42
BBC & TV Double Entendres

Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio.....


Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."


Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This
Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent er * ction."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

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Swearing at Work

March 26th 2008 01:33
Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.


1. Try Saying: I think you could do with more training
Instead Of: You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2. Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of: She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

3. Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of: And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4. Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of: F*** off a*se-wipe

5. Try Saying: Really?
Instead Of: Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6. Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a f***.

7. Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of: Not my f***ing problem, mate.

8. Try Saying: That's interesting.
Instead Of: What the f***?

9. Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of: No f***ing chance mate.

10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of: Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11. Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of: He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12. Try Saying: Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of: Oi, f*** face.

13. Try Saying:Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of: Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.


Swearing at Work
Thank You,

The Manager!
86
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Be Nice to Your Partner

March 24th 2008 01:23
Police officer pulls over a car
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, 'I clocked you at 130kph, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 95, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now donít be silly dear, you know that this car doesnít have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Cant you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did'.

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Darn it, woman, cant you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And i noticed that your not wearing your seat belt sir. Thatís an automatic $100.00 fine'.

The driver says, 'Well, you see officer I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my licence out of my back pocket.'

The wife then says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didnít have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you are driving.'

And the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DONT YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?????'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma' am?'




You're going to love this

















"Only when he has been drinking."
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Sex Against a Fence

March 21st 2008 01:36
Sex against an electric fence
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old timeís sake?'

'Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didnít know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'












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You Know Your an Australian If...

March 19th 2008 01:28
1. You know the meaning of the word "girt".

2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn


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Urgency in Ireland

March 17th 2008 01:18
Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the Spanish word "
Julio Iglesias - manana (manyana).
Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.

He said that the term means, "Maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year who cares


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Senior Moment

March 14th 2008 01:45
Get out of the Car!


Senior Moment - Get Out of the Car!

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Who's On First -- New Version

March 12th 2008 01:38
Who's on first - George Bush & Condoleezza Rice
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China


[ Click here to read more ]
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Wrestle With a Crocodile

March 10th 2008 01:22
A rich man living in Cairns decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his friends and neighbours. He also invited Morten, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.

Steve Irwin Crocodile Wrestle
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in


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Shower like a man or a woman
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN :


*Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks


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10 things I hate about everyone
10 Things I Hate About Everyone



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Taking Girls/Women to Bed

March 3rd 2008 08:29
What is the difference between taking girls to bed at different ages?



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