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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Jokes - June 2008

Lithgow Cow

June 30th 2008 02:20
The only cow in a small town near Mudgee stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow in Lithgow for $200.

They brought the cow from Lithgow and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could

not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

THe lithgow cow and bull joke
They told the Vet what was happening. 'Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side.' The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, 'Did you by chance, buy this cow in Lithgow?'

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. 'You are truly a wise Vet,' they said. 'How did you know we got the cow in Lithgow?'

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, 'My wife is from Lithgow'


Dentist Jokes

June 27th 2008 05:50
Dentist Jokes
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

----------------------------- ----------------------------- ----------------------

Actual Names of Practicing Dentists
Dr.Pullman, Dr.Filler, Dr.Fear, Dr.Rensch (pronounced wrench), Dr.Pick, Dr.Tusk, Dr. Drewel (pronounced "drool"),
Dr.Tucek (2thChk), Dr.Chu, Dr.Shugar, Dr.Pic, Dr.Pang, Dr.Butcher, Dr.Harm, Dr.Hurter, Dr.Toothaker, Dr.Lynch,
Dr.Root, Dr.Nasti, Dr.Paine/Payne/Pain (15 entries but notably Dr.Daryl B Payne = "There Will Be Pain"),
Dr.Smiley, Dr.Schotz, Dr.Hale (pronounced "hell" in southern), Dr.Bliss, Dr.Lancit, Dr.Gager, Dr. Eke

----------------------------- ----------------------------- ----------------------

A friend of mine went to the dentist recently. He commented that it must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth. He said, "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."

----------------------------- ----------------------------- ----------------------

Dentist begging the patient: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game.

----------------------------- ----------------------------- ----------------------

Patient: Doctor, I am very nervous. You know, this is my first extraction.
Young dentist: Donít worry, it's my first extraction too.
Dentist: There goes the only woman I ever loved.
Assistant: Why don't you marry her?
Dentist: I can't afford to. She's my best patient.
Dentist: Just let me finish and you will be another man after these cosmetic procedures.
Patient: Okay doc, but don't forget to send your bill to the other man.
----------------------------- ----------------------------- ----------------------


Job Interviews & Applicants

June 25th 2008 05:30
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young applicant fresh out of Business School, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The applicant said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say, a red Corvette?"

The applicant sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

Applicant Speak: what they say and what they mean by it:

I know how to deal with stressful situations:- I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication & organizational skills:- I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization:- I've used Microsoft Office.

My pertinent work experience includes:- I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I take pride in my work:- I blame others for my mistakes.

I'm balanced and centred:- I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunchroom.

I have a sense of humour:- I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

My background and skills match your requirements:- You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

I am adaptable:- I've changed jobs a lot.

I am on the go:- 'm never at my desk.

I'm highly motivated to succeed:- The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

I interact well with co-workers:- I've been accused of sexual harassment.

Thank you for your time and consideration:- Wait! Don't throw me away!

Job Interview & application jokes

Employer Speak: what they say and what they mean by it

Entry level position:- You'll be making minimum wage.

Entry level position in an up-and-coming company:- You'll be making minimum wage; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

Competitive salary:- We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

Join our fast-paced company:- We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

Immediate opening:- The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

Casual work atmosphere:- We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up, although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

Competitive environment:- We have a lot of turnover.

Must be deadline oriented:- You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

Some overtime required:- Some time each night and some time each weekend.

Flexible hours:- Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

Must have an eye for detail:- We have no quality control.

Apply in person:- If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

No phone calls please:- We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

Problem solving skills a must:- You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Requires team leadership skills:- You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

Women - As Explained By Engineers

June 23rd 2008 12:45
To find a woman you need time and money. Therefore Woman = Time x Money. Time is money so:. Time = Money. Therefore Woman = Money x Money. Woman = (Money)^2. Money is the root of all problems. Money = /Problems. Therefore: Woman = problems

Hazardous materials data sheet. Element : Woman. Symbol : Wo. Atomic Weight : Accepted as 55kg, but known to vary between 45kg to 225kg. Discoverer : Adam. Occurrence : Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations. Physical Properties : Surface usually covered with painted film. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason. Melts if given special treatment. Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care! Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore. Yields to pressure applied to correct points. Chemical Properties : Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates. Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point. Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense. Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man. Uses : Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. Can greatly improve relaxation levels. Can warm and comfort under some circumstances. Can cool things down when it's too hot. Useful for general cleaning, scrubbing, washing, rubbing, etc. Tests : Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen. Caution : Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling. Illegal to possess more than one.

Chances of a man winning an argument. Years. Dating. Engagement. Marriage Period

Controls for men and women. One knob for men, many for women.

Mission: Go to Gap, buy a pair of pants. Man straight to Gap. Woman - Macy's, Sears, JC Penny


Solitaire Robbery

June 23rd 2008 10:49

Ski Mask: $5
Silver Revolver: $350
Video Security System: $10,000

Getting caught playing Solitaire at work;

Solitaire Robbery
He wasn't the only one caught by the camera!

The Sex Theory

June 20th 2008 09:34
Woman has Man in it;

Mrs. has Mr . in it;

[ Click here to read more ]

A Duck Walks Into A Bar

June 18th 2008 09:23
A duck walks into a bar - plasterer
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck

[ Click here to read more ]

Words of Wisdom

June 16th 2008 09:13

This is the road to enlightenment, revised...

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Health Jokes

June 13th 2008 12:16
Health Jokes - My doctor told me to avoid any unnecessary stress, so I didn't open his bill.

Two carrots were walking down the road one day when all of a sudden a car drove by and hit one of them. The other carrot took the injured carrot to the hospital.
[ Click here to read more ]

Pirate Jokes

June 11th 2008 12:53
Pirate Jokes
Have you heard about the new pirate movie?
Itís rated AARRRRGGH!

[ Click here to read more ]

Phone Jokes

June 9th 2008 13:17
Leaving Minnesota for Colorado, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall...

- "Hi there, how is it going?"

[ Click here to read more ]

SMS Jokes

June 6th 2008 02:35
mobile phone jokes
Here we have a collection of short jokes perfect for text messaging. Enjoy!


[ Click here to read more ]

Jokes About Movies

June 4th 2008 02:47
movie jokes
The Devil tells a Hollywood Agent, "Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any agent alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest agent that ever lived."
"Well," says the agent, "what do I have to do in return?"
The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children's children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity

[ Click here to read more ]

At the Welfare Office

June 2nd 2008 02:31
A man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque

He marched straight up to the counter and said, " Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job

[ Click here to read more ]

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