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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Jokes - August 2008

A Poem, Just For You...

August 29th 2008 02:23
A fart it is a pleasant thing,

It gives the belly ease,

It warms the bed in winter,

And suffocates the fleas.

fart poem - in bed

A fart can be quiet,

A fart can be loud,

Some leave a powerful,

Poisonous cloud




A fart can be short,

Or a fart can be long,

Some farts have been known

To sound like a song......


A fart can create

A most curious medley,

A fart can be harmless,

Or silent, and deadly.


A fart might not smell,

While others are vile,

A fart may pass quickly,

Or linger a while......


A fart can occur

In a number of places,

And leave everyone there,

With strange looks on their faces.


From wide-open prairie,

To small elevators,

A fart will find all of

Us sooner or later.


But farts are all bad,

Is simply not true-

We must never forget.......

Sweet old farts like you!
60
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Sponsoring Condoms

August 27th 2008 02:16
Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms.
They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.



Nike Condoms - Just Do It
* Nike Condoms: Just do it


* Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling

* Ford Condoms: The ride of your life

* Optus Condoms: Yes!

* Duracell Condoms: Keep going and going and going

* Pringles Condoms: Once you pop you can't stop

* Hyundai Condoms: All day, every day

* Tip Top Condoms: Good onya mum - (available in Tasmania only)

* Panasonic Condoms: Even more than you expected

* VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I've got one now

* Swan Lager Condoms: They said you'd never make it....

* Vegemite Condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek

* Levi Condoms: Do you fit the legend?

* Nescafe Condoms: It brings you together.

* Quicken Condoms: Quicken Easy



The following brands would probably not sell very well.....


* AFL Condoms: I'd Like to See That

* Goodyear Condoms: If it only saves you once a year....

* RTA Condoms: Speed kills

* Nobby's Condoms: Nibble Nobby's Nuts

* Bolle Condoms: Put them on your face

* Aussie Homeloans Condoms: We'll save you


Can you think of any more?


66
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Irish Pet Shop

August 25th 2008 01:59
Irishmen in a pet store
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

THERE'S MORE....

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'
55
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Tips For Saving on Petrol

August 22nd 2008 02:37
Petrol Tips
For a change there's no joke today, instead here are some tips for saving a little money during these times of high oil prices.


Tips on Filling your Vehicles...


This is a Message received from a friend:
My line of work is in petroleum for about 31 years now, so here are some tricks to get more of your money's worth for every litre.
Here at the Marian Hill Pipeline, where I work in Durban, we deliver about 4 million litres in a 24-hour period thru the pipeline.
One day is diesel; the next day is jet fuel, and petrol, LRP and Unleaded. We have 34-storage tanks here with a total capacity of 16,800,000 litres...

ONLY BUY OR FILL UP YOUR CAR OR BIKKIE IN THE EARLY MORNING WHEN THE GROUND TEMPERATURE IS STILL COLD. Remember that all service stations have their storage tanks buried below ground. The colder the ground, the denser the fuel, when it gets warmer petrol expands, so buying in the afternoon or in the evening.... your litre is not exactly a litre.
In the petroleum business, the specific gravity and the temperature of the petrol, diesel and jet fuel, ethanol and other petroleum products play an important role. A 1degree rise in temperature is a big deal for this business. But the service stations do not have temperature compensation at the pumps.

WHEN YOU'RE FILLING UP, DO NOT SQUEEZE THE TRIGGER OF THE NOZZLE TO A FAST MODE.
If you look, you will see that the trigger has three (3) stages: low, middle, and high. In slow mode, you should be pumping on low speed, thereby minimizing the vapours that are created, while you are pumping. All hoses at the pump have a vapour return. If you are pumping on the fast rate, some of the liquid that goes to your tank becomes vapour. Those vapours are being sucked up and back into the underground storage tank so you're getting less worth for your money.

ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT TIPS IS TO FILL UP WHEN YOUR TANK IS HALF FULL.
The reason for this is, the more fuel you have in your tank, the less air occupying its empty space. Petrol evaporates faster than you can imagine. Petroleum storage tanks have an internal floating roof.. This roof serves as zero clearance between the petrol and the atmosphere, so it minimizes the evaporation.
Unlike service stations, here where I work, every truck that we load is temperature compensated, so that every litre is actually the exact amount.

ANOTHER REMINDER, IF THERE IS A FUEL TRUCK PUMPING INTO THE STORAGE TANKS, WHEN YOU STOP TO BUY, DO NOT FILL UP.
Most likely the petrol/diesel is being stirred up as the fuel is being delivered, and you might pick up some of the dirt that normally settles on the bottom.
Hope, this will help you get the maximum value for your money.
44
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Don't Be Late

August 20th 2008 02:31
Don't be late speech
A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person that entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his cousin. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people.".. .

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession."


Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE
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Voted Most Popular Joke in the UK

August 18th 2008 02:21
Voted Most Popular Joke in the UK in 2006



[ Click here to read more ]
66
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The Pope

August 15th 2008 02:38
Pope as a chauffeur
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver


[ Click here to read more ]
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Are You Gay?

August 13th 2008 02:27
This is an old article from the New York Times regarding an incident on the now defunct Ansett Airlines.

Ansett airlines. Are you Gay?

[ Click here to read more ]
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Lizard Birth

August 11th 2008 02:12
Lizard
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet


[ Click here to read more ]
55
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Husband and Wife Leave Passes

August 8th 2008 02:53
This couldn't be more true...
Click on these images to open in a larger window.

[ Click here to read more ]
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Signs

August 6th 2008 02:35
Remember when advertising your business, a sense of humour will get you noticed!


[ Click here to read more ]
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Art Thief in Paris

August 4th 2008 02:24
The high price of petrol puts a new twist on this old classic joke. It now has an extra punch line in the middle.

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre


[ Click here to read more ]
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The Irish Blonde

August 1st 2008 02:40
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand pounds on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

[ Click here to read more ]
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