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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Jokes - November 2008

Dating Jokes

November 28th 2008 01:59
dating jokes
It’s the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He’s a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in.
“Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?,” he says.
“That’s cool” says Bobby.

Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie’s father responds “why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby-so he asks Carrie’s Dad to repeat it.
“Yeah,” says Carries father, “Carrie really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!”
Well, this just made Bobby’s eyes light up, and his plans for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
” DANGIT DADDY….! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!”


Dating Vs Marriage

When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.

When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.

When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."


Tony excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. Tony says, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going to bring over two other female friends in addition to my fiancée, and you have to try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The next day, Tony brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Mom. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing! You're right, how did you know?"
His mother folds her arms across her chest and says, "I don't like her."
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IRS Jokes

November 26th 2008 01:46
IRS logo jokes
A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.

"Excuse me," he said. "Have you lost something?"

"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."


What’s the difference between an I.R.S. agent and a mosquito?
One is a bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect.


A man, called to testify at the IRS (The US tax authority) asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper." Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"


Q: How is golf like taxes?
A: Well, you drive hard to get to the green, and then you wind up in the hole.


A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."

"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear. "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."


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Funny Taglines

November 24th 2008 01:14
Life is a riddle; unfortunately the answer's not written on the back of anything.

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.

Sex is like air.....it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

I married Miss Right. I didn't know her first name was Always.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

My truck does not leak. It's just marking its territory!

Fact: 3 out of 5 people aren't the other 2.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across the fence.

Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.

It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

If you must burn our flag, please wrap yourself in it first.

Due to budget cuts the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

A rock ----> me <---- A hard place

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
funny taglines. The best thing about Alzheimer’s is you get to meet new people every day

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

If at first you don't succeed – maybe skydiving isn’t for you.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I think, therefore I am. I think.

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.

I wired my dryer backwards. Now it spits out extra socks.

I went to the Net and all I got was this stupid tagline.

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Quiz For People Who Know Everything

November 21st 2008 05:45
This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers.

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter ‘S.'



Quiz For People Who Know Everything



Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends . Boxing

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward . Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside .. Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)

6. Three English words beginning with dw . Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with’s’.
Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

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Romantic Short Poems

November 19th 2008 05:39
romantic and unromantic poetry - red rose
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:



1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was on the piss.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?
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Facts of Life

November 17th 2008 05:19
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Live Your Life Like A Dog

November 14th 2008 02:23
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Little Johnnie

November 12th 2008 07:05
little johnnie baby no ears
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

[ Click here to read more ]
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Scotch With Two Drops of Water

November 10th 2008 12:03
Scotch with two drops of water
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

[ Click here to read more ]
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American Idol Jokes

November 7th 2008 01:35
Top Ten Signs You Won't Win "American Idol"
(From the Late Show with David Letterman)

[ Click here to read more ]
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Little Red Riding Hood

November 5th 2008 01:48
Red Riding Hood joke
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a Big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

'My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf


[ Click here to read more ]
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Puns Intended

November 3rd 2008 22:32
puns jokes play on words
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

[ Click here to read more ]
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