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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Jokes - December 2008

Baked Beans

December 31st 2008 01:29
Baked Beans
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on.

Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Economist Jokes

December 29th 2008 01:45
Q: Why do Economists provide estimates of inflation to the nearest tenth of a percent?
A: To prove they have a sense of humour.

Q: How has the French revolution affected world economic growth?
A: Too early to say.

Q: What does it take to be a good economist?
A: An unshakeable grasp of the obvious!

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an economist?
A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Eight. One to screw it in and seven to hold everything else constant.

Q: Why did God create economists ?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.

Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven, plus/minus ten.

Q: Why does Treasury only have 10 minutes for morning tea ?
A: If they had any longer, they would need to re-train all the economists.

Q: How many investors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None - the market has already discounted the change.

Q: Did you hear of the economist who dove into his swimming pool and broke his neck?
A: He forgot to seasonally adjust his pool.

Q: Why did the market economist cross the road?
A: To reach the consensus forecast.


Dinosaur Jokes

December 26th 2008 01:46

dinosaur jokes
Q. Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay?

A. Anywhere he wants to.

Q. What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters?

A. Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

Q. Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds?

A. Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus.

Q. What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot?

A. Sir.

Q. What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have?

A. Baby Dinosaurs.

Q. How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you?

A. By the `D' on his pajamas.

Q. How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you?

A. By the dinosnores.

Patient: Doctor,doctor,I keep seeing dinosaurs with orange spots!

Doctor: Hmmm...Have you seen an eye doctor?

Patient: No,just dinosaurs with orange spots.


Weather Jokes

December 24th 2008 01:30
Weather Jokes. The forecast for toda, scattered arrows

Q. What did the one tornado say to the other?

A. Letís twist again like we did last summer.

Q. What did the thermometer say to the other thermometer?

A. You make my temperature rise.

Q. Whatís the difference between a horse and the weather?

A. One is reined up and the other rains down.

Q. What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?

A. My plop is bigger than your plop.

Q. Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?

A. Because she expected some change in the weather.

Q. What did the tornado say to the other tornado?

A. You turn me on!

Q. Whatís the difference between weather and climate?

A. You canít weather a tree, but you can climate.

Q. What happens when it rains cats and dogs?

A. You have to been careful not to step in a poodle.

Q. What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?

A. Fowl weather.

Q. What did the hurricane say to the other hurricane?

I have my eye on you.

Q. How do you find out the weather when youíre on vacation?

Go outside and look up.

Cartonn sourced from Aha Jokes.

Only A True Aussie Knows

December 22nd 2008 01:16
You know you're Australian if . . . .

You know you're australian if

You know the meaning of 'girt'

You believe that stubbies can either be worn or drunk

You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin

You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse

You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden

When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom

You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds

You pronounce Melbourne as ' Mel -bin'

You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'

You believe the 'L' in the word ' Australia ' is optional

You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas'

You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, pineapples, prawns and sheep

You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'

You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place

You believe is makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin

You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'

You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread

You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis

You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'

You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'

You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year

You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u'

You wear ugg boots outside the house

You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them

Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language

You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is alway polite

You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose

You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'

You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle

You biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket

You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac Cookies'

You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'

When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit

You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered

You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction

When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer

You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second

You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

Witty and Funny Insults

December 17th 2008 01:34
If you don't want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately.

Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck

[ Click here to read more ]

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

December 15th 2008 01:19
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire jokes

Mick appeared on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and towards the end of the programme had already won £500,000

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A True Christmas Story

December 12th 2008 01:28
How did the angel end up on top of the tree?
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

[ Click here to read more ]

Laws For Men

December 10th 2008 01:36
Update From The International Council of Man Laws

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella

[ Click here to read more ]

Short But Sweet

December 8th 2008 01:28
ē Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

ē A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD

[ Click here to read more ]

The Doctor & The Lawyer

December 5th 2008 00:31
doctor and lawyer
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. However, their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office

[ Click here to read more ]

Cannibals Jokes

December 3rd 2008 23:56
An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, the Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.

They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

[ Click here to read more ]

Pregnancy Jokes

December 1st 2008 23:38
A woman went to the doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?"

[ Click here to read more ]

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