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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Jokes - January 2009

We Can All Be Winners

January 30th 2009 04:48
Two little old ladies. Best dried arrangement.
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and Said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'

'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 note. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement. '

20 Peeves That Dogs Have About Humans

January 28th 2009 04:40
What dogs dislike about humans

1 Blaming your farts on me..... Not funny... Not funny at all !!!

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2 Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG

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3 Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

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4 Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!

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5 Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

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6 The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

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7 Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

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8 Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

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9 Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur?
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10 How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

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Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you?


Worst Joke Ever Told

January 26th 2009 03:34
A professor from the University of Hertfodshire conducted a study to find the most cringe worthy joke on the face of the planet. The results of his study are below.
Counting down from 5 to 1, here are the worst jokes of all time!

Q. If I eat three cakes in the morning and three for tea, what will I have?
A. A tummy ache.

Q. Why were the rabbits eating the motorway?
A. Because it was a duel cabbageway.

Q. What’s green and like’s snow?
A. Ski-weed.

Q. What does pride go before?
A. …..of lions.

#1 Worst joke of all time
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Boo who?
Aw, don’t cry.

You know, I think that may actually be the worst joke of all time!
If you have any more to add just post them below.

Today in the Stock Market

January 23rd 2009 06:51
stock market jokes

Helium was up, feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cow steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

A Cowboy's Guide to Life

January 21st 2009 06:47
cowboys guide to life
** Don't squat with your spurs on.

** Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.

** Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

** The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

** If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

** If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.

** It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

** The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.

** Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.

** If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

** Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

** Always drink upstream from the herd.

** Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'.

** Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it are two entirely different propositions.

** If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.

** Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

** When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

** When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

** Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.

** Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's sure crucial to know what it was.

** The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.

** Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Embarrassing Ski moment...

January 19th 2009 06:41
embarassing ski moment
Conditions were perfect. 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away

[ Click here to read more ]

Things to Ponder

January 16th 2009 11:51

'How Do' Jokes

January 14th 2009 11:48
How do you get five donkeys on a fire engine?
Two in the front, two in the back, and one on the roof going EE-AW-EE-AW.

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Answering Machine Messages

January 12th 2009 11:40
"This is an answering' machine, this machine is designed to take full advantage of its numerous capabilities. Please say what you wanted to talk about and why did ya call me anyhow? Wait for the tone to sound, and leave yer message after the beep."
Funny Answering Machine Message

(in the voice of John McEnroe

[ Click here to read more ]

Jigsaw Puzzle

January 9th 2009 23:41
A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger

[ Click here to read more ]

Pastor Jokes

January 7th 2009 23:13
A pastor was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week"
The pastor took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket

[ Click here to read more ]

Maths Jokes

January 5th 2009 10:10

The Legless Parrot

January 2nd 2009 01:47
legless parrot
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot replies, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot

[ Click here to read more ]

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