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Jokes - February 2009

Computer Programmer Jokes

February 27th 2009 01:48

How can you tell when a programmer has had sex?
When he’s washing the pepper spray out of his eyes.
_________________________
Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, “Are you ill?”
The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”
_________________________
Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”
“Yeah,” reply the bytes. “Make us a double.”
_________________________
Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?
A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
_________________________
How many programmers dose it take to change a light bulb?

None - It’s a hardware problem
_________________________
Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.
_________________________
There are only 10 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don’t.
_________________________
A programmer walks to the butcher shop and buys a kilo of meat. An hour later he comes back upset that the butcher short changed him by 24 grams.
_________________________
“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
very long pause….
“Java.”
_
Programmer Jokes. Will Code HTML For Food

________________________
Programming is like sex:
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

_________________________
A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, “Can’t you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!”
To which the man replies, “I am a programmer. We don’t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.”
_________________________
All programmers are playwrights, and all computers are lousy actors.
_________________________
Have you heard about the new Cray super computer? It’s so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds.
_________________________
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
_________________________
The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.
_________________________
Debugging: Removing the needles from the haystack.
_________________________
The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea.

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Jokes About Drummers

February 25th 2009 01:38
Drummer Jokes


How do you tell if the stage is level?
The drummer is drooling from both sides of his mouth.

How can you tell a drummer's at the door?
The knocking speeds up.

What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
"Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?

What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.

What do Ginger Baker and black coffee have in common?
They both suck without Cream.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: One to screw the bulb in, and four to talk about how much better Neil Peart coulda done it.

What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
Gifted.

What do you call a Drummer in a Volkswagen?
Farfromthinken.

What does a drummer use for contraception?
His personality.
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The Grass is Always Greener...

February 23rd 2009 01:29
Greener Grass...



It's important in life to reach out, to strive for greater achievements, to go for that greener grass that is on the other side of the fence.

But one must also be careful


cow with head stuck under fence



Sometimes you can reach too far!

But when you find yourself over-extended and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should always remember.......














the grass is always greener. cows



Not everyone who shows up......


Is there to help you!!!!





62
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Financial Crisis

February 20th 2009 15:12
Due to changes in the financial market recently. We have had to alter the definitions of some terms...
Financial Crisis jokes and word definitions

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET--A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET--A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING--The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO--The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER--What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR--Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST--Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT--When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER--A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION--The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO--What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS--What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR--Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT--An archaic word, no longer used.
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Different Religions in Heaven

February 18th 2009 15:05
A man arrives at the gates of Heaven.
St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

"Methodist," the man says.

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to Room 24, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of Heaven.

"Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to Room 18, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates.

"Religion?"

"Jewish."

"Go to Room 11, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being Different rooms for different religions, but why must we all be quiet when we pass Room 8?"

"Well, the Catholics are in Room 8," St. Peter replies, "and they think they're the only ones here."
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Feng Shui

February 16th 2009 14:57
59
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French Jokes

February 13th 2009 10:16
France Jokes
Q. Why do the French eat snails?
A. Because they don't like fast food.

[ Click here to read more ]
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Always Check Your Children’s Homework

February 11th 2009 10:10
Below read the follow up letter the teacher received the following day....


[ Click here to read more ]
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God bless Australia!

February 9th 2009 09:36
WE ARE ONE!

We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker.

[ Click here to read more ]
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Reset Your Mouse

February 6th 2009 01:49
mouse calibration
MOUSE CALIBRATION

You should actually do this every year. Even more often is recommended by Kim Kommando (the computer guru) if you spend a lot of time on the computer


[ Click here to read more ]
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Mental Health

February 4th 2009 01:39
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity


[ Click here to read more ]
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Farewell George W. Bush

February 2nd 2009 01:19
George bush quotes
George: We will miss you and your words of wisdom that brought tears to our eyes!


[ Click here to read more ]
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