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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Jokes - March 2009

Top 10 Lists

March 30th 2009 01:28
Top ten lists
Everyone loves a good top 10 list. Here are some of the best!




Top Ten Things To Say About a Christmas Gift You Don't Like...

10. Hey! Now there's a gift!

9. Well, well, well...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.


7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it - but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1. I really don't deserve this.



Top Ten Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend's Parents...

10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.

9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.

8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?

7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.

6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.

5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.


4. Can you believe it! Those shit heads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!

3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?

2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?

1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.



Top Ten Signs Your Spouse Is Having A Cyber Affair...

10. Lately, she sits at the computer naked.

9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.

8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.

7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.

6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.

5. Every day, Bill Gates sends 10 million dollars worth of flowers.

4. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear.

3. During sex she screams "A COLON BACKSLASH ENTER INSERT!!!!"

2. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's ass.

1. Lipstick on the mouse.



Top Ten Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly is Unzipped...

1. The cucumber has left the salad.

2. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

3. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

4. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

5. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

6. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

7. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary".

8. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

9. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

10. Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis




Top Ten Things Not To Say In Court

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He's one hard judge!

8. Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.

7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

1. Think you can get me off?




Top Ten Things Only Women Understand...

10. Cats' facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

1. OTHER WOMEN



Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Real Estate Agent When You Go To Settlement On Your New Home...

1. "I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home's garden."

2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the ancient Indian burial ground."

3. "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hell's Angels, but I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet of it."

4. "One bleeding toilet doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted."

5. "Your neighbour has assured me that, technically, they're not 'killer' bees."

6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it would reach as far back as your property."

7. "It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the presence of radioactivity."

8. "Did you know that the band Grave Raper holds their practice sessions right next door?"

9. "It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never actually able to prove it was murder."

10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night."
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Self-Reference Jokes

March 27th 2009 01:46
Self-Referencing jokes are a particular variety of humour that some find much funnier than others. Especially males it seems.

Here is a self reference collection for you:


I'm the humblest person I know.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

The workshop on procrastination has been cancelled, as no-one got around to enrolling.

Anyone who visits a psychiatrist ought to have their head examined.

We never make misteaks.

87.5% of all statistics are made up.

Here, take this placebo.

The technical term for "being unable to remember the word you want" is, uh ...

There are three types of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't.

The two rules for success are:
1. Never tell them everything you know.

There are 10 types of people: those who understand binary and those who don't.

We Poms hate being called whingers.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

There should be a rule that we don't talk about politics.

75
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Common Tools Explained

March 25th 2009 01:30
Tool Jokes

To the uninitiated, the workshop can be an intimidating place, full of tools you may not know what to do with. To help, here's a helpful explanation of common tools and their uses.

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned cleco calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh*t!"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES:
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding< /SPAN> heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bum per.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
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The Theory of Intelligence

March 23rd 2009 01:21
Cheers. Norm, beer intelligence


'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
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The Pope Gets A Sponsor

March 20th 2009 01:54
Pope Sponsor KFC
During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities.
The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer.
Again the Pope declined.
A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts.
At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format.
The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities.
The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!
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Architecture Jokes

March 18th 2009 01:32
Architecture Jokes

Q. At what time in the construction process do architects tend to get their jumpers caught on things?
A. Snagging


[ Click here to read more ]
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Tiger Woods in Ireland

March 16th 2009 01:23
Tiger Woods Ireland Gas Station
Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

'Top of the mornin' to yer, sir' says the attendant


[ Click here to read more ]
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History Mystery

March 13th 2009 06:05


Ask a history teacher to explain this----- if they can? !

[ Click here to read more ]
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Strangest Suicide In History

March 11th 2009 05:56
Strangest Suicide in History
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a strange death. Here is the story:

On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter not the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this


[ Click here to read more ]
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And Then The Fight Started....

March 9th 2009 05:48
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

[ Click here to read more ]
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How to Wash a Cat

March 6th 2009 02:01

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.

[ Click here to read more ]
74
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Bronze Rat

March 4th 2009 01:59
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

Bronze Rat. Lawyer
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars for the story


[ Click here to read more ]
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Stress Relief

March 2nd 2009 01:37


anger management jokes
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't


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