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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Jokes - April 2009

Did You Hear About....

April 29th 2009 13:24
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.



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Did you hear about the karate champion who joined the army?
The first time he saluted, he nearly killed himself.




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Did you hear about the young man who got really worried when his nose kept growing until it was eleven inches long?
He thought it might turn into a foot.




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Did you hear about the florist who had two children?
One is a budding genius and the other one is a blooming idiot.




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Did you hear about the mad scientist who crossed a parrot with an alligator?
It bit off his arm and said, 'who's a pretty boy then?'




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Did you hear about the musical ghost?
He wrote haunting melodies.


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Did you hear about the woman who was so ugly she could make yogurt just by staring at a glass of milk for an hour?




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Did you hear about the farmer's boy who hated working in the country?
He went to London and got a job as a shoe-shine boy. So the farmer made hay while the son shone.




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Did you hear about the fool who keeps going around saying "no" anytime someone asks them a question?
No.
Oh, it's you!





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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food but no atmosphere.




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Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.




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Did you hear about the paranoid with low self-esteem?
He thought that nobody important was out to get him.





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Did you hear about the guy who plugged his electric blanket into the toaster?
He was popping out of bed all night.



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Did you hear about the yachtsman who had his arm cut off so that he could sail round the world single-handed.




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Did you hear about the child who was named after his father?
They called him dad.




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Did you hear what happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?
No, what?
He was repossessed.







40
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Paid To Do It

April 27th 2009 13:15
Paid to impregnate wife


In Stuttgart, Germany, a court judge must decide on a case of honourable intentions in a situation where a man hired his neighbour to get his wife pregnant.

It seems that Demetrius Soupolos, 29, and his former beauty queen wife, Traute, wanted a child badly, but Demetrius was told by a doctor that he was sterile.

So, Soupolos, after calming his wifeís protests, hired his neighbour, Frank Maus, 34, to impregnate her. Since Maus was already married and the father of two children, plus looked very much like Soupolos to boot, the plan seemed good.

Soupolos paid Maus $2,500 for the job and for three evenings a week for the next six months, Maus tried desperately, a total of 72 different times, to impregnate Traute.

When his own wife objected, he explained, "I donít like this any more than you. Iím simply doing it for the money. Try and understand."

When Traute failed to get pregnant after six months, however, Soupolos was not understanding and insisted that Maus have a medical examination, which he did.

The doctorís announcement that Maus was also sterile shocked everyone except his wife, who was forced to confess that Maus was not the real father of their two children.

Now Soupolos is suing Maus for breach of contract in an effort to get his money back, but Maus refuses to give it up because he said he did not guarantee conception, but only that he would give an honest effort.
63
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The Dog or The Wife?

April 24th 2009 13:41
Who is your real friend?


Dog Or Wife



This really works...!
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?
33
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Computer Passwords

April 22nd 2009 13:35
THE NEW PASSWORD




Computer Password Penis
A woman was helping her husband set up his new computer, and at the appropriate time in the process, told him he would now need to enter a password..
Something he would use to log-on.
Her husband was in a rather devilish mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in:



P...

E...

N...

I...

S....

His wife fell out of her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD INVALID............NOT LONG ENOUGH***
70
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Flat Tyre

April 20th 2009 13:30
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the freeway. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so Life like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my life like men. And of course, traffic started backing up.
Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a police car pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he
Was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what the are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Hello-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers."


Emergency Flashers

73
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Warning - Swearing at Work

April 17th 2009 01:33
63
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Who Wears The Trousers

April 15th 2009 01:24
who wears the trousers
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side
'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on.
When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.

[ Click here to read more ]
62
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Stuttering

April 13th 2009 01:16
cat hissing
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered


[ Click here to read more ]
47
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School Answering Machine Message

April 10th 2009 15:01
GO TEACHERS AT MAROOCHYDORE HIGH SCHOOL!


[ Click here to read more ]
60
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Take Your Old Man to The Mall

April 8th 2009 14:52
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new jeans. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild In your life


[ Click here to read more ]
46
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Clean Humour

April 6th 2009 14:32
Clean can be funny.


[ Click here to read more ]
68
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Useless Facts

April 3rd 2009 01:42
Useless facts - coca cola logo
The 3 most valuable brand names on earth are:-
Malboro, Coca-Cola and Budweiser - in that order.

[ Click here to read more ]
37
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#1: The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest
1957: The respected BBC news show Panorama announced that thanks to a very mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. It accompanied this announcement with footage of Swiss peasants pulling strands of spaghetti down from trees. Huge numbers of viewers were taken in. Many called the BBC wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti tree. To this the BBC diplomatically replied, "place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best."

[ Click here to read more ]
44
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