Read + Write + Report
Home | Start a blog | About Orble | FAQ | Blogs | Writers | Paid | My Orble | Login

Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Jokes - May 2009

Statistics...

May 29th 2009 04:17
statistics jokes


A statistician is an accountant without the charisma.


A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library.


Theory and practice are the same in theory. In practice they are different.


Without geometry, life is pointless.



The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.


The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.


Every day, innumeracy affects 8 out of 5 people.


A mathematician, an applied mathematician, and a statistician all apply for the same job. At the interview, they are asked the question, what is 1 1.
The mathematician replies, "I can prove that it exists but not that it is unique."
The applied mathematician, after some thought, replies, "The answer is approximately 1.99, with an error in the region of 0.01."
The statistician steps outside the room, mulls it over for several minutes, and eventually returns in desperation and inquires, "So what do you want it to be?"


Did you hear about the statistician who put her head in the oven and her feet in the refrigerator?
She said, "On average, I feel just fine."


Statistics means never having to say you're certain.


If you want three opinions, just ask two statisticians.


Did you know that the great majority of people have more than the average number of legs?

It's obvious, really: Among the 57 million people in Britain, there are probably 5,000 people who have only one leg. Therefore, the average number of legs is 1.99.
And because most people have two legs...


Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One—plus or minus three.



Did you hear about the politician who promised that if he were elected he'd make certain that everybody would get an above-average income? (And nobody laughed....)


A famous statistician would never travel by airplane, because he had studied air travel and estimated that the probability of there being a bomb on any given flight was one in a million, and he was not prepared to accept these odds.
One day, a colleague met him at a conference far from home. "How did you get here, by train?"
"No, I flew"
"What about the possibility of a bomb?"
"Well, I began thinking that if the odds of one bomb are 1:million, then the odds of two bombs are (1/1,000,000) x (1/1,000,000). This is a very, very small probability, which I can accept. So now I bring my own bomb along!"


Numbers are like people; torture them enough and they'll tell you anything.


Lottery: A tax on the statistically-challenged.
34
Vote
   


Violin Jokes

May 27th 2009 03:27
Violin Jokes
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.


What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A fiddle is fun to listen to.


Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.


How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.


How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can't get up that high!


String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."


Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.


Why don't viola players suffer from piles (hæmorrhoids)?
Because all the assholes are in the first violin section.


What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.


Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?
Violins don't have spit valves.


Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin?
You might bend the nail.


A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin."
His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"


Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?"
Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint: "Write your repertoire."


"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
54
Vote
   


Can You Fly?

May 25th 2009 02:56
Rude Parrot on a Plane


rude parrot on a plane
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.

The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seatmate.

'Hey, bitch', says the parrot, 'bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!'

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:

'God damn it, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!'

Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.

Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.

'Hey, slut, ' says the man, 'get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now! '

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, ‘Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls'.
63
Vote
   


Pandemic Warning

May 22nd 2009 02:42

NEWS ITEM :
World Health Organisation - Outbreak of Public Apathy

Outbreak of Public Apathy


Pacific island nations have been warned they are more vulnerable to apathy than other countries.

The new strain of Public Apathy has been detected in 19 countries worldwide, with the Asia Pacific Region and Australia in particular featuring heavily.

The World Health Organisation (WHO) has warned that if cases are reported, the impact will be even worse than elsewhere.

"They have only a limited stretch of their public propaganda systems and a limited stretch of their essential tools like mass panic, social concern, empathy and all that," WHO medical officer Dr Jacob Kool told Radio New Zealand .

A recent survey in Melbourne showed that most did not care or did not even want to know of the risks associated with Public Apathy - confirming the WHO's worst fears.
40
Vote
   


Best Simpsons Prank Calls

May 20th 2009 02:26
The Simpsons has a number of running gags. One of the best are the prank calls which go a little bit like this:
Bart calls Moe's and asks for a phony name, one which will make Moe look stupid if he says it out loud. Moe falls for it. The patrons laugh. Moe realises he's been duped again and makes vicious threats down the phone. Bart hangs up roaring with laughter.

Which are the funniest prank calls Bart has pulled off over the years? Here are 10 of the best. If you have more post them below:

Simpsons prank calls Moe.


1. "Uh, is I.P. Freely here? Hey, everybody! I.P. Freely!"


2. "Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butz!"


3. "Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?"


4. "Bea O'Problem! Bea O'Problem! Come on, guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem?"


5. "Amanda Huggenkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss?"


6. "Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver Clothesoff!"


7. "Jacques Strap! Hey, guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap!"


8. "Hugh Jass! Oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass!"


9. "Homer Sexual? Come on, come on, one of you guys has got to be Homer Sexual!"


10. "Phone call for Al! Al Coholic! Is there an Al Coholic here?"

Bart Prank Call Laughing
59
Vote
   


Bats

May 18th 2009 02:21
bats
Once there were three bats. They lived in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night the bats made a bet to see who could drink the most blood.

The first bat comes home one night and has blood dripping off his fangs. The other two bats are amazed and asked how much blood he had drunk


[ Click here to read more ]
64
Vote
   


Popular Mule

May 15th 2009 02:54
mother in law mule
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about


[ Click here to read more ]
39
Vote
   


36
Vote
   


Everyone is Overworked!

May 11th 2009 02:19


The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

[ Click here to read more ]
64
Vote
   


Practical Joke Ideas

May 8th 2009 07:02
When you visit your friend’s house, put a squirt of washing up liquid in their dishwasher. Next time they run it suds will come oozing out the door.

Place a coin on the ground and wait for someone to bend down to pick it up. As they do, tear a piece of fabric and they’ll think they just burst their pants


[ Click here to read more ]
44
Vote
   


Fire!

May 6th 2009 06:49

A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

[ Click here to read more ]
49
Vote
   


The Sand Smuggler

May 1st 2009 13:33
Jose approaches the Mexican border on his bicycle. Hanging from his shoulders he has two large, bulky bags.

Bags of Sand
The border patrol guard stops him and says, “Hey mister what ya got in those bags


[ Click here to read more ]
41
Vote
   


More Posts
1 Posts
1 Posts
1 Posts
962 Posts dating from March 2006
Email Subscription
Receive e-mail notifications of new posts on this blog:

Ian's Blogs

74257 Vote(s)
1627 Comment(s)
1034 Post(s)
0 Vote(s)
0 Comment(s)
0 Post(s)
0 Vote(s)
0 Comment(s)
0 Post(s)
64334 Vote(s)
236 Comment(s)
1034 Post(s)
59214 Vote(s)
613 Comment(s)
939 Post(s)
Jay's Blog (Member)
3575 Vote(s)
54 Comment(s)
39 Post(s)
Moderated by Ian
Copyright © 2012 On Topic Media PTY LTD. All Rights Reserved. Design by Vimu.com.
On Topic Media ZPages: Sydney |  Melbourne |  Brisbane |  London |  Birmingham |  Leeds     [ Advertise ] [ Contact Us ] [ Privacy Policy ]