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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Jokes - June 2009

Dr. Drobkin

June 29th 2009 12:31
Dr. Drobkin was a world-famous cardiologist who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference coincidently held in his home town. He walked on stage, placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the lecture room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.


Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Cohen and arrived under cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Cohen?"

Dr. Drobkin replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here, received my education here, but then moved away."

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others.. I bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Drobkin replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my embarrassment."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Drobkin Fart?"


Speech Fart Joke

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Excuses For Missing Work

June 26th 2009 03:03

* My stigmata's acting up.

* I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

* I have a rare case of 48-hour wrist leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

* I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

* I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

* The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

* I prefer to remain an enigma....it's Monday.

* My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace.

* I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

* I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

* I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

* I was up on a ladder decorating the Christmas tree when my mother called me and told me I was Jewish.

* I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!
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The Marketing Plan

June 24th 2009 07:34
Marketing Plan
In the beginning was the Marketing Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And the Marketing Plan was without substance.

And darkness was up the face of the Workers.

And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of crap, and it stinketh."

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odour thereof."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

And the Directors then went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them,
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, "This new Marketing Plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company, with powerful effects."

And the President looked upon the Marketing Plan and saw that it was good.

And the Marketing Plan become Policy.
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Church Bulletin Boards

June 22nd 2009 07:25
Love those Church Ladies..

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services.

--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Church Bulletin Boards. Not all questions can be answered by google.

--------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
- -------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
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Really Bad Jokes

June 19th 2009 08:12
Well folks. These are without a doubt the worst jokes ever told. If you know any worse than these, feel free to post them below!

terrible jokes


Why couldn't the faucet be within 100 feet of the pasta bowl?
There was a restraining order.

A middle eastern king was down on his money and began to sell off his valuables. The last of these was the Star of the Euphrates, at that time the most valuable diamond in existence. He went to a pawnbroker who offered him 100,000 rials for it. "Are you crazy?", said the king. "I paid one million rials for this gem! Don't you know who I am?"
The pawnbroker replied, "When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are."

What do you call epileptic lettuce?
Seizure salad.

Why did the schoolteacher who was in love with head of the school take out a loan with the bank?
Because she had an interest in the principal.

What do you get when you cross a cobra tamer and a playwright?
William Snakespeare

What is the best time to eat reindeer meat?
When you're hungry.

How did the hermit pay for his home?
Alone.

What do you call a dead magician's assistant?
An abracadaver.

How did the hot dog vendor tackle his job?
With relish.

What were the unauthorized protestors guilty of doing?
Marching banned.

A patient said to a psychiatrist, "I keep wanting to cover myself in gold paint."
The psychiatrist said, "Sounds like you have a gilt complex."

What do you call the Association of Blood Donors?
The IV League.

Why couldn't the chicken fly through the window?
It was closed.

How does a wizard keep his potions safe from burglary?
With a warlock.

Why did the baker bake more bread?
He kneaded the dough.

How do spies send secret messages in a forest?
By moss code.

What makes a chef sadder the skinnier it gets?
An onion.

Why are bison such good musicians?
They have fantastic horns.

Why do fish live in saltwater?
Pepper makes them sneeze.

What do you call a spooky waterway?
The Eerie Canal.
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The Hamster and the Frog

June 17th 2009 08:03
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.
"That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.

[ Click here to read more ]
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Got Any Tobacco?

June 15th 2009 07:51
There was a beer party going on in the woods when all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain. These two young guys ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

Old man in car window
All of a sudden an old man's face appeared on the passenger side and tapped lightly on the window. The passenger screamed out, "eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost


[ Click here to read more ]
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Redneck Jokes

June 12th 2009 02:08
Redneck house and swing
Redneck Yard Swing



[ Click here to read more ]
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Postman Pat's Last Day

June 10th 2009 01:58
postman pat's last day
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.

[ Click here to read more ]
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Blonde Handyman

June 8th 2009 01:48
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge


[ Click here to read more ]
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What Makes a Full and Happy Life?

June 5th 2009 07:52
Progress!


money obsession
A Marketing Consultant, on holiday in a African fishing village, watched a little fishing boat dock at the quayside. Noting the quality of the fish, the consultant asked the fisherman how long it had taken to catch them


[ Click here to read more ]
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Why it's OK to be a Chocoholic!

June 3rd 2009 02:39
REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX

You’re never too old to enjoy chocolate


[ Click here to read more ]
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Nerd Season

June 1st 2009 02:22
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying:

Nerds not allowed
"Nerds Not Allowed—Enter At Your Own Risk


[ Click here to read more ]
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