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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Jokes - August 2009

Face Lift

August 31st 2009 12:07
Face Lift Joke
This woman goes in for a face-lift, and the doctor says, "We've got this new method: I put a knob in the back of your head, and every time you feel like you need a lift, just turn it."

She gets the knob implanted and is beautiful for five years.

But one day she notices a problem and returns to the doctor. "I've got these huge bags under my eyes," she complains.

The surgeon replies, "Those aren't bags; those are your breasts." "Ah," she sighs, "that explains the goatee."


That's Some Pig!

August 28th 2009 10:54
The Three Legged Pig

This guy is out in the country, and he sees a farmer with a three-legged pig. He asks the farmer what happened.

"Well, once there was a huge lightning storm. A bolt struck the house, which caught on fire. The pig goes down to the lake, gets water, puts out the fire, and saves us all," explains the farmer.

"Wow! So that's how he lost his leg?"

"No, sir. One morning a pack of grizzlies smelled some bacon my wife left out and started breaking through our windows. The pig scared them off and saved us all from certain death!"

"Ah, so that's how he lost his leg?"

"Nope," says the farmer. "But a pig that good? You can't eat him all at once."


The Blonde Who Wanted to Buy a TV

August 26th 2009 10:47
A blonde goes into an electronics store and asks, "How much is this TV?"
The salesman says, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
So she dyes her hair and comes back as a brunette.
"How much is this TV?" she asks.
Again the salesman says, "I'm sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
A few weeks later she goes in as a redhead, but again he announces, "We don't sell to blondes!"
Finally she says, "My hair is red. How did you know I was really a blonde?"
The salesman says, "Because it's not a TV. It's a microwave."

microwave TV

A Rose By Any Other Name...

August 24th 2009 10:16
After dinner, two elderly women retire to the kitchen and leave their husbands to chat.
One of the men says, "Last night we went out to a great new restaurant."
The other asks, "What's it called?"
The first man knits his brow in concentration and finally says, "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies, "A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the first man says.
"The poppy?" wonders his friend. "No," growls the man. "You know, the one with thorns!"
rose joke
"Do you mean a rose?" asks the other man.
"Yes, that's it!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"


Neighborly Dispute

August 24th 2009 08:51
Click on the image to read the full story:

lawn chair neighbour dispute. On Mon.. my neighbor Paul sends me this email saying. Dear John: We, Kathy and I, are asking 1 last time for you to remove your chairs from your yard. They block our patio and bedroom view and are ugly eye sores. We wanted to handle this amicably, like good neighbors, but you refuse. It is common decency and we ask you 1 last time to do the right thing before we take legal action. Paul. So I answered yesterday with There is something wrong with you. This is the 5th email and I promise you, the last. As I've said we have two lawn chairs. They are small, placed almost next to our house and are meant for the lawn. Behind our yard and yours is a parking lot filled with dumpsters. Next to that is an abandoned trailer. You can see a gas station. In your backyard you have a huge piece of shit rusting swing set that looks like it came from a condemned Soviet school yard. Those are eye sores, Paul. Not 2 lawn chairs. You are insane. Please get help. If you email again, I will take legal action. Before that, though, I will kick your ass and every judge in the state will consider it justice. SO WHAT DOES THIS DOUCHE BAG SEND ME??????? John: I am sorry your taking this position and I resent your description of our swing set. We will see you in court. Paul YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS WE WILL


Do You Need A Vase?

August 21st 2009 10:10
Two women in Dublin are waiting patiently on a street for their husbands who are running very late to come and meet them after work.
Eventually they see their men coming down the street, and it's obvious both have been at the pub.
The first woman says, "Will you look at those two drunks

[ Click here to read more ]

Adrift in a Lifeboat

August 19th 2009 09:02
Sea of beer. Lifeboat
Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth.
This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought, one man blurts out, "Make the entire ocean into beer

[ Click here to read more ]

Every Woman Needs a Laugh

August 14th 2009 13:56

female humour
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

[ Click here to read more ]

Prison vs Work

August 12th 2009 13:52
Prison vs Work
Is this a prison or an office?

[ Click here to read more ]

What I Want In A Man

August 10th 2009 13:42
what I want in a man
What I Want In A Man!
By a typical woman.

[ Click here to read more ]

Psychology Students

August 7th 2009 12:46
A shy guy goes into a bar, sees a beautiful woman, and says, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight

[ Click here to read more ]

How Did You Die?

August 5th 2009 12:41
Two guys, Jimmy and Johnny, stand at heaven's gate, waiting to be interviewed by Saint Peter.

Jimmy: "How did you get here

[ Click here to read more ]

A Ballerina Walks Into A Bar

August 3rd 2009 12:32
This woman walks into a bar, and she has the hairiest armpits in the history of armpits. She sits down, raises her arm, and says, "Bartender, I would like a drink." There's an old drunk sitting next to her. Slurring, he says, "Barkeep, I would like to buy the ballerina a drink." She accepts, drinks it, raises her arm again to get the bartender's attention, and orders another. The old man says, "Barkeep, you just keep giving the ballerina anything she wants." Finally, the bartender goes over to the drunk and says, "Sir, that's nice of you, but how do you know she's a ballerina?" The old man answers, "Son, you don't get to be my age without learning that only ballerinas can lift their legs that high."


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