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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Jokes - November 2009

What's Your Name?

November 30th 2009 07:29
Hello, my name is Carmen


A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello. My name is Carmen.”

“That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?”

“No,” she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore, I chose “Carmen.” What’s your name?”



He answered “B.J. Titsengolf.”
26
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The Hokey Pokey

November 25th 2009 06:14
In Memoriam




With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
76
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Printer Problem

November 23rd 2009 06:12



A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note.


About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate. Attached is what he found.. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to........






Scroll Down









.














Penis Stuck
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Difference Between Heaven and Hell

November 20th 2009 00:26



Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.




Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.
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Winners Are Grinners

November 18th 2009 00:15
This is a summary of the just past AFL season clearly written by a Geelong supporter.
They are allowed to gloat a bit I guess, after all they did win the flag..
Some of it is very true though, particularly about Collingwood and Hawthorn.
Some funny stuff even if you aren't a Geelong supporter.

Geelong Football Club. Premiers 2009.

All Associated with The Geelong Football Club would like to thank and acknowledge all participants of the AFL and associated affiliations for their contribution towards the 2009 AFL Season for without this the season just would not have been such a wonderful one. Most notably THANKYOU:

Thankyou St Kilda
** For being so wise to play "Muppets" R Clarke, McQuallter and Zac Dawson. Would not get a game for Deniliquin 4ths in Old Ammo's. Anymore "specials" for 2010??
** For forgetting Steve Milne has a heart the size of a pea and only looks good against Port, Freo and Melb. Love a choker in big games.
** Unable to understand difference between a good player and a champion. NOTE Nick Reiwoldt is a Good Player - not a champion. A champion:
- Kicks goals after siren to win games ( Stk v Ess ).
- Plays well on the BIG STAGE - Harry Taylor smashed him.
- Wins a Brownlow in a GF winning year.
** Rod Butters for negotiating the Ethiad deal for St Kilda in 2003 as we like St Kilda playing 12 games year under a closed roof - nice and warm, flat firm grassy ground, no rain to get the hair wet or ruin the fake tan. Note - BIG FINALS are played in open with wind / breeze, rain, sun - it is called the MCG.



Thankyou Collingwood
** Supporters for saying all August " Can not wait to get Geelong in Finals as they are soft..."
** For thinking they are better than they really are - very average football team.
** For providing a great entree to 2009 when they lost the Night GF as part of a Geelong Feb training drill.
** Having faith in Medhurst, Anthony , Rocca, Davis and Didak - Shannon Byrnes had more stats in 09 finals series than these five tragics combined.
** For not taking "Stevie J" with a second round draft pick in 2006 - THANKYOU.
** Providing great TV for all watching Eddie and family sink into their seats during second half Prel smashing they received. BEETROOT HEADED BUFFOON.


Thankyou Bulldogs
** Scott Clayton - imagine if you had selected Buddy at #3 and not the cry baby Ryan Griffen ???? You would now have your full forward and who knows ??? Thankyou Scott.

Thankyou Adelaide
** Allowing Coll to beat you by 2 points in final at G as it merely elevated their internal self opinion prior to meeting Cats in Prelim final.

Thankyou Brisbane
** Thankyou for allowing Carlton to get 30 points up in last quarter on an otherwise dreary Sat night, only to them go bang, bang, bang and leave them stranded as LOSERS. One of the best Sat night movies have watched in years.

Thankyou Carlton
** "They know We are Coming" ..still waiting.
** One player does not make a team - keep playing Cloke, Fev, Bentick and Stevens - puts a smile on all our faces.
** Thinking playing Fev will get you a flag. More chance with Barb from the cheer squad.


Thankyou Essendon
** For putting Haw in their rightful place - out of the eight in R22. Memories of "Sooky Jeff Kennett" in the stand with hands on head will linger for many years to come.
** Providing a memorable Anzac Day for those enjoying a day of relax - beating Coll feral in last minute - thankyou.
** For not imposing too much pressure on Adel in final One. This meant Adel were fresh to play Coll and stretch them so they were spent before Prelim final.


Thankyou Hawthorn
** For being the most arrogant, self centred, rude, self indulgent Premiership Team the AFL has ever witnessed.
** Jeff Kennett for having the audacity to question Geelong 's "Mental Fragility" in March 2009 - not bad for a team who can not even make the eight as defending premier.
** For having the nastiest and most aggressive little "runt" of a coach - wonder why Todd Viney and Hardwick left with more to follow.
** For thinking Buddy and Roughead would take too glory again - understand two players do not make a team.
** For playing fat / overweight / unfit "Porky Pig" - Stu "give me a tub of pasta and ice-cream" Dew. Really Clarko...
** For being so gracious and accepting of Buddy suspension for smashing of Cousins in R21 - karma boys re Ess game one week later.
** For the continuous squealing re injuries - Geelong were lucky they had no injuries in 2009 !!!!!


Thankyou North Melbourne
** Leigh Colbert...draft picks resulting in Corey Enright and Cam Mooney. Sometimes it pays to be loyal hey Leigh ???? Cam may send you a photo of the Cup if you're lucky. If not - join the queue.

Thankyou Richmond
** Thankyou for Brad Ottens and the annual 8 premiership points.

Thankyou Melbourne
** For giving St Kilda a nice "feel" round 22 of the MCG.
** For giving Geelong pick 8 for Brent Maloney in 2006 - resulted in Brad Ottens arrival to Cattery.
** Clint Bizzell for pick 17 - James Kelly to Cattery.


Thankyou Freo, West Cost, Syd and Port
** Thankyou for the frequent flier points - will come in handy end of season trips.


SPECIAL MENTIONS
** Grant " I am not jealous" Thomas - every Monday Night 10pm Footy Classifieds you built up St Kilda all year - teamwork, determination, spirit, skill....always said you could never coach you overrated whale.
** Jeff Kennett - where is your poofy Brown and Yellow jacket now ????
** Shayne Crawford - for each week on Footy Show just continually reminding us all what a real dickhead you are always are and were - weak for not playing 2010.
** Joffa - did not see you much in finals - oh forgot...Coll have to win a final for you to wear the Gold Jacket.
** Carlton , Melbourne , North, Essendon, Port, Freo - for letting Joel Selwood slip through to pick #7 2006 draft.

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Divorce Vs Murder

November 16th 2009 23:55
divorce vs murder
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide"

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide


[ Click here to read more ]
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Don't Mess With Old People

November 11th 2009 02:14
ATO Old Gambler Audit


The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the ATO office


[ Click here to read more ]
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A Well-Planned Retirement

November 9th 2009 02:02
From The London Times:
bristol zoo parking attendant

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses


[ Click here to read more ]
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Where Did The White Man Go Wrong?

November 6th 2009 12:25
indian chief. where did the white man go wrong
Indian Chief ‘Two Eagles’ was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the White man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the White man go wrong


[ Click here to read more ]
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An Itchy Story

November 4th 2009 12:21
For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken literally.....


[ Click here to read more ]
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Which Beer?

November 2nd 2009 12:10
It is well known that humor is regional, but this is the first joke that I can say is truly Victorian:

Carlton Draught. Beer Joke

[ Click here to read more ]
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