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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Jokes - December 2009

They Are Finally Together

December 30th 2009 03:45

Judy got married and had 13 children.

Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Judy *again*, remarried, and this time, She & John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

"Lord, they are finally together."


They're Finally Together


Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied:....
"I think he means her *legs*, Ethel..."




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The Prognosis

December 28th 2009 03:31
The prognosis. Up all night.


Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.



Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.




Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.



About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,



'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.



Could we please do it one more time?'


Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.



Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.



He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,



'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'



She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.



After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.



Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.



He taps his wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.



Do you think we could....'



At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough, I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

64
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New Internet Law

December 26th 2009 05:08
FBI CIA Homeland Eyes


Just wanted to let you know that a New Homeland Security Process has passed. Things will be different now and Internet surfing as you know it will be tracked by what the FBI calls a 'non intrusive method.' The FBI says you will hardly notice anything different.


For a demonstration, click on the link below, and then move your arrow (cursor) on your screen:


Homeland Security



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London English Exams

December 23rd 2009 05:04
The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire (U.K.)

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)


English Exam Jokes


Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U (What the *!!*???)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
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Potentially and Realistically

December 21st 2009 04:26
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

sleep with brad pitt
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids' to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo.

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Conundrums

December 18th 2009 05:24
You need to check that your friend, Bob, has your correct phone number.
But you cannot ask him directly. You must write the question on a card and give it to Eve who will take the card to Bob and return the answer to you. What must you write on the card, besides the question, to ensure Bob can encode the message so that Eve cannot read your phone number?


[ Click here to read more ]
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Not all Seniors Are Senile

December 16th 2009 05:20
diamond ring
An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend


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The Mayonnaise Jar

December 14th 2009 05:09
The Professor and the jar


When things in your life seem, almost too much to handle.

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Tiger Woods Jokes

December 11th 2009 04:15
Tiger Woods Jokes


Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife


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The Greek Loan

December 9th 2009 01:38

A Greek man walked into a bank in Sydney and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Greece on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

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Why Men Should Not Write Advice Columns

December 7th 2009 01:21
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A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten


[ Click here to read more ]
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Fun Facts From Infection Control

December 2nd 2009 07:47

During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1 1/2 liter of urine.
That should quench once thirst


[ Click here to read more ]
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