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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Jokes - February 2010

Irish Password

February 26th 2010 05:17
irish password
Paddy had the following password at work:





MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDew eyDonaldGoofyDublin.

When his boss asked why he had such a long password, he replied 'Bejazus! Are yez feckin' stupid? I was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital.



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Cooter and Gomer

February 24th 2010 05:10



Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.


The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.


The three men had always done everything together.


Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,


Cooter said,'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'


The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley.'



The mortician thought this was rather strange.


So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said,'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:


'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'
63
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A Dog's Purpose

February 22nd 2010 04:57
A Dog's Purpose (from a 6-year-old). Good Advice

A dog's purpose


Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.

I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.

As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.

The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's Death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, ''I know why.''

Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation. It has changed the way I try to live..

He said,’ People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right? Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long.''

* Live simply.
* Love generously.
* Care deeply.
* Speak kindly.
* Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:
* When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
* Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
* Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
* Take naps.
* Stretch before rising.
* Run, romp, and play daily.
* Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
* Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
* On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
* On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
* When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
* Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
* Be loyal.
* Never pretend to be something you're not.
* If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
* When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.
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Adam & Eve

February 19th 2010 06:28
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs!"

Adam and Eve
37
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Science Quotes From Kids

February 17th 2010 06:09
science quotes from kids
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.

Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When planets do it, we say they are orbiting.

Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to become oil.

Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
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Cat In The Hat On Aging

February 15th 2010 05:59
cat in the hat on aging
I Cannot See
I Cannot Pee
I Cannot Chew


[ Click here to read more ]
21
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Fair Cop

February 12th 2010 04:35

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,

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23
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Tools Explained

February 10th 2010 04:19
Tool Use Explained


Tool

[ Click here to read more ]
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Things Not to Say During Sex

February 8th 2010 04:12
things not to say during sex


1. But everybody looks funny naked


[ Click here to read more ]
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Most Annoying Facebook Status Updates

February 5th 2010 02:43
Facebook Logo


1. The Quote Dude: Okay, I recognize myself in this. That’s why it’s first. Everyone loves a killer lyric or memorable quote, especially if it has some sort of sentimental meaning to the poster, but reading long drabble of dead people and the chorus of a bad Lady Gaga song doesn’t make you look any cooler or smarter. And who am I kidding… all Lady Gaga songs are pretty horrible. Just my opinion


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Eating Dogs

February 3rd 2010 02:10

Two Irish nuns we're on their way to a new convent in the US
and on the plane ride over, one nun told that other that she


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Jamaican Jokes

February 1st 2010 01:48
Nursery Rhymes - Jamaican Style
Mary had a likkle lamb
Her father shot it dead.

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50
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