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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Jokes - April 2010

Dumb Laws

April 30th 2010 02:57
Indiana's Crazy Laws
Dumb laws

# One man may not back into a parking spot because it prevents police officers from seeing the license plate.

# Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.

# All males 18 to 50 years old must work six days a year on public roads.

# Moustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans.

# Hotel sheets must be exactly 99 inches long and 81 inches wide.

# State government officials who engage in private duels can be dismissed from their post.

# Drinking from your own bottle in a bar can lead to your arrest.

# A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17.

# It is illegal to sell cars on Sunday.

# Drinks on the house are illegal.

# It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks.

# A person who dyes, stains, or otherwise alters the natural colouring of a bird or rabbit commits a Class B misdemeanour. (Ind. Code 15-2.1-21-13(b)

# Smoking in the state legislature building is banned, except when the legislature is in session.

# Liquor stores may not sell milk.

# Check forgery can be punished with public flogging up to 100 stripes.

# Grocery stores may not sell any type of cold liquor.

# You can get out of paying for a dependent's medical care by praying for him/her.

# Pedestrians crossing the highway at night are prohibited from wearing tail lights.

# No one may catch a fish with his bare hands.

# Men are prohibited from standing in a bar.

# You are not allowed to carry a cocktail from the bar to a table. The waiter or waitress has to do it.

# "Spiteful Gossip" and "talking behind a person's back" are illegal.

# You are required to pour your drink into a glass.

# It is against the law to pass a horse on the street.

# If any person has a puppet show, wire dancing or tumbling act in the state of Indiana and receives money for it, they will be fined $3 under the Act to Prevent Immoral Practices.

# Anyone 14 or older who profanely curses, damns or swears by the name of God, Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost, shall be fined one to three dollars for each offense, with a maximum fine of ten dollars per day.

# A three dollar fine per pack will be imposed on anyone playing cards in Indiana under the Act for the Prevention of Gaming.

# The value of Pi is 4, and not 3.1415. (Repealed)

Redhead Jokes

April 28th 2010 02:40
redhead jokes
Q. How do you get a redhead to argue with you?
A. Say something.

Q. How do you get a redhead's mood to change?
A. Wait 10 seconds

Q: How do you know a guy at the beach has a redhead for a girlfriend?
A: She has scratched "stay off MY TURF!" on his back with her nails.

Q. What do you call a Redhead with an attitude?
A. Normal

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A redhead!

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The red head says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

Differences Between Good Girls and Redheads

*Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
*Redheads make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

*Good girls wax their floors.
*Redheads wax their bikini lines.

*Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie.
*Redheads know they could do it better.

*Good girls wear white cotton panties.
*Redheads don't wear any.

*Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. *Redheads think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

*Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.
*Redheads only own one bra and rarely use it.

*Good girls pack their toothbrush.
*Redheads pack their diaphragms.

*Good girls wear high heels to work.
*Redheads wear high heels to bed.

*Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have sex.
*Redheads think no place is the wrong place.

*Good girls prefer the missionary position.
*Redheads do too, but only for starters.

*Good girls say 'no'.
*Redheads say 'when?'

*Good girls say "Thanks for a wonderful dinner."
*Redheads say, "What's for breakfast?"

*Good girls keep a diary.
*Redheads don't have time.

*Good girls love Italian food.
*Redheads love Italian waiters.

*Good girls will apologize, brown nose and kiss YOUR ass.
*Redheads will tell ya to kiss my lily, white ass.


Dictionary of Fishing Terms

April 26th 2010 02:35
Fishing Terms

fishing terms humor

Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.

Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

Rod - An attractively painted length of fibreglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.

Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming that darn line for once again losing the fish.

Fishing Jokes

April 23rd 2010 01:41
Fishing cartoon

"I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife trade I ever made."

A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious now. The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said: "Well?"
"Well, What?" the man responded.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?"

A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.

After about a half-mile the fella stopped and stooped over, with his hands on his thigh's to catch his breath, and the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped.

With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young feller, "but, my friend back there - Well, he don't have one."

A blonde guy gets up really early in the morning to go ice fishing. He goes out onto the ice with his tent, his pick and his fishing rod, and starts to pick at the ice.

Then he hears a big booming voice: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The guy looks around and then starts to pick at the ice again. Then he hears the voice again: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Now the guy is getting a little edgy. He looks up toward the sky and thinks to himself, "God, is that you?"

There is no answer, so he starts picking again. The voice bellowed again: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Then the guy yells, "God, is that you?"

The voice answered, "NO. IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK."

You know you are a fisherman when...

1. You have a power worm dangling from your rear view mirror because you think it makes a good air freshener.
2. Your wedding party had to tie tin cans to the back of your bass boat.
3. You call your boat "sweetheart" and your wife "skeeter".
4. Your local tackle shop has your credit card number on file.
5. You keep a flippin stick by your favorite chair to change the TV channels with.
6. You name your black lab "Mercury" and your cat "Evinrude".
7. Bass Pro Shop has a private line just for you.
8. You have your name painted on a parking space at the launch ramp.
9. You have a photo of your 10 lb. bass on your desk at work instead of your family.
10. You consider viennies and crackers a complete meal.
11. You think MEGABYTES means a great day fishing.
12. You send your kid off to the first day of school with his shoes tied in a palomar knot.
13. You think there are four seasons--Pre-spawn, Spawn, Post Spawn and Hunting.
14. Your $30,000 bass boat's trailer needs new tires so you just "borrow" the ones off your house.
15. You trade your wife's van for a smaller vehicle so your bass boat will fit in the garage.
16. Your kids know it's Saturday---Because the boats gone,

Chinese Man in Australia

April 21st 2010 01:35
chinese australian jokes
Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of Living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa. A few Days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbours decides to go across And welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese Customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about To knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last Go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull Down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's Bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese Man and says 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, And drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that Bull's bum, it could just about shit on you.'

The Chinese man is very taken back and says 'Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australia Customs.'

'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those arenít Australian customs.'

'Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinese Man,' He say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, Drink piss, And listen to bull-shit'

Coffee and Women

April 19th 2010 01:14
Things I Like About Coffee

[ Click here to read more ]

Let's Pretend To Be Married

April 16th 2010 03:23
train sleeper carriage joke
A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. They tried to make other arrangements, but the train was full and they were both very tired. They agreed to make the best of it for at least one night. There were two berths, and the man gallantly agreed to take the upper one.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you please reach into that closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold

[ Click here to read more ]

Catholics in Heaven

April 14th 2010 03:06
Pearly Gates
A man arrives at the gates of Heaven.
St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

[ Click here to read more ]

Biblical Contrasts ..

April 12th 2010 02:58
Perception and opinions - how they change over time thank goodness!

Biblical Stoning

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The Ant, a Fable, or Maybe Not.

April 9th 2010 23:28

The Bathtub Test

April 7th 2010 23:21
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

Bathtub mental test
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub

[ Click here to read more ]


April 5th 2010 23:10
A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
tropical island joke

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore

[ Click here to read more ]

The Aussie Male

April 2nd 2010 23:21
An Australian male at his best!

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