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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Jokes - May 2010

Interesting Facts

May 31st 2010 03:08
the facts
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)







If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.


(Now that's more like it !)






The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)







A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig..)







A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)







Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour

(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)







The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What the...?)



The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)




The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)







Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)













Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)







The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)







Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)







Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing)







A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)






An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)







Starfish have no brains

(I know some people like that too.)







Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)






Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)





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What I Want In A Man

May 28th 2010 06:31



What I Want In A Man!



Original List: age (20 something)


1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)


1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8.. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)


1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Can tow a Caravan
4. Can cook a BBQ
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Appreciates a good TV dinner
7. Helps with the housework




What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)



1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where I have put things
3. Can still tow a van without causing chaos on the road
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Doesn't notice my facial hair and wrinkles
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Stops trying to tell jokes



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
3. Remembers where we both live.



what I want in a man

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How To Solve Your Mid Life Crisis

May 26th 2010 06:19
After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal.

Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000..00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!






mid life crisis jokes
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Why Do We Hate Body Hair?

May 24th 2010 06:00
My hair like Jesus wore it, how I adore it
BETH WILSON
April 11, 2010


When did hirsuteness become so unacceptable?
Beth Wilson ponders why we loathe our follicles.



girl underarm hair
I'M READING the biography of Rufus Wainwright, There Will Be Rainbows. I'm not so much interested in Rufus who, talented though he is, is far too young to have a biography written about him. I'm more interested in his family, the wonderful McGarrigle sisters Anna and Kate (sadly, Kate died recently) and his father, musical satirist Loudon Wainwright III. Loudon, who had only one hit record, Dead Skunk (in the Middle of the Road), is quoted in the book as saying: ''I was in love with Maria Muldaur … She was the first woman I ever saw who didn't shave under her arms. I remember at the Newport Folk Festival 1963 looking up around the fence and seeing the Kweskin Jug Band. She was 23 years old. Had this shirt on with nothing up her arms and she kinda leaned up to scratch her head and I saw this … incredible tuft of black hair. Aaargh. Most erotic thing I ever saw in my life.''
So what has happened since 1963? Why has body hair come to be seen as such a problem? Girls and women, and increasingly men, are paying huge amounts of money to denude themselves of all body hair. A cameraman told me his friend, who is in his late 30s, has ''never been with a woman who had any hair on her body''. Treatments to remove hair include creams, buffers, shaving, lasers, IPLs and waxing. Most treatments hurt like hell and many clients are burnt and scarred. They also inflict deep wounds on purses and wallets.
Media images of the perfect woman, hairless, curve-less, airbrushed and artificial, have been influential in making women dissatisfied with their bodies. The deluge of beauty propaganda begins with children, and I don't think Barbie ever revealed any short and curlies.
Roberta Honigman and David Castle in Living with Your Looks document how body image is adversely affected by idealised figures of beauty in the media. Body image is described as ''the picture of the size, shape and form of our bodies that we see in our mind's eye''. While it might be considered ''normal'' to be concerned about our body image, contemporary Western society seems obsessed with trying to achieve physical perfection and this in turn distorts body image.
Ironically, while women are being told to remove body hair, balding men are being urged to replace it. Back in 1991, dermatologist Peter Berger warned in his book Skin Secrets: ''Artificial hair implantation is another method which I, however, strongly discourage. It consists of single synthetic fibres being implanted into the scalp using a fine needle. Each 'fibre' has a loop at the end around which tissue grows because of the irritation it causes, thus holding the ''hair'' in place. The problem with this method is that an allergic reaction to the artificial fibre is usually set up in the scar, resulting in inflammation, infection and frequently scarring around the fibre.'' Other surgical methods of hair transplantation are more successful, but are also expensive and painful; a fruitless fight against ageing and, frankly, plugs look like plugs.
During the Christmas break I was walking with a friend in his 60s and a seven-year-boy named Liam. Liam was prattling away happily as children do, skipping over a number of subjects, when he suddenly said to my friend: ''You've got a comb-over. My dad says comb-overs always look ridiculous. My dad says if you're going bald and you don't like it, you're better off just shaving your head.'' Fair comment, Liam.
A beautician once told me she had given ''Sally'' a complimentary Brazilian as a wedding present. Sally had never previously had any hair removed from her body. When the beautician uncovered Susie's lower body she screamed, ''What have you got down there? A dead possum?'' The offending pubes were vanquished and who knows what happened on the honeymoon. While the beautician's intentions were well meant, perhaps Susie's new husband wouldn't have minded and might have loved her just as she was. We'll never know.
When I was a youngster learning about sexuality I read, in one of those sex manuals, that body hair is an extremely sensitive transmitter of sexual sensation. Susie dipped out on that score too.
When did hair become so loathsome? Remember the 1970s rock-musical Hair, which celebrated political activism and sexual revolution? Could it be that today's society can't handle the eroticism that Maria Muldaur's sleek, hairy underarms generated in Loudon Wainright III all those years ago? Lady Gaga, on the other hand, would be even scarier if she sported a bit of groin kelp or hairy armpits. Have we been conned by the advertising industry and capitalism into denouncing our own sexuality? Perhaps someone should write a radical rock musical called Hairless. Nah, doesn't do anything for me.

Beth Wilson is the Health Services Commissioner for Victoria.
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What Time Does the Bar Open

May 21st 2010 01:38
bar closed
At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

“It opens at noon” answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

“What time does the bar open?” he asks.

“Same time as before… Noon.” replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered “Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?”

The clerk then answers, “It opens at noon, but if you can’t wait, I can have room service send something up to you.”

“No… I don’t wanna git in… Ah wanna git OUT!!!”
105
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Things To Do On A Bus

May 19th 2010 01:30
bus jokes
When someone asks you what your favourite mode of transit is, it most likely isn’t taking the bus! However, if you are stuck on a long bus ride, we are pleased to provide you with a list of things to do to pass away the time…

1. Eat nothing but gas inducing foods the entire trip, not hesitating to ‘share the wealth’ with everyone on board. Recommended foods are chilli, burritos, McDonalds, any eggs, Kentucky Fried Chicken (stay near the toilet if you want the KFC


[ Click here to read more ]
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Save on Dental Bills

May 17th 2010 01:08
dentist smile mask


One day, a man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth


[ Click here to read more ]
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My New Radio

May 14th 2010 01:02
86
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Fitness For over 40’s

May 12th 2010 00:49
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employment test question


You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus


[ Click here to read more ]
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Dog's Telegram

May 7th 2010 04:10
dog telegram joke


An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof


[ Click here to read more ]
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Genie in a Bottle

May 5th 2010 03:54
genie jokes
One day a man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.

The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one


[ Click here to read more ]
102
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Brunettes at the Doctor

May 3rd 2010 03:37
brunettes blondes
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me


[ Click here to read more ]
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