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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Jokes - June 2010

Australian, British, American and Canadian Flags


Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.

Canadians: Believe that that is the government's job.


Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.


Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.


Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.


Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.



Brits: Have produced many great comedians, celebrated by Canadians, ignored by Americans, and therefore not rich.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians such as John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!


Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.


Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.


Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, in either language, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.


Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.
Aussies: Waffle on about how some of their past citizens were once Outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.
115
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Steve Jobs and Bill Gates - remember when we were poor?
jobs and gates - can't remember being poor
Steve Jobs and Bill Gates laughing









Rich people jokes - let's flip a coin
Let's flip a coin. Flip what?
Steve Jobs and Bill Gates laughing









Apple and Microsoft Bosses joking
Jobs, Gates. I went to the bank about a loan. What do you need a loan for? I don't, the bank does.

Steve Jobs and Bill Gates laughing







111
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New Zealand Rugby Tickets

June 25th 2010 03:28
Humour From Across The Ditch


New Zealand Jokes



Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well,



So he decided to see a doctor.



"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.


"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"



The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
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Murder At The Grocery Store

June 23rd 2010 03:23
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to take out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

He got in touch with underworld figure that went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie said the price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000..

The husband said he'd pay that amount, but didn't have cash until he collected the insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid something up front, the man only had $1 Coin. Artie reluctantly agreed to accept the $1 for the dirty deed.

Artie followed the man's wife to the local Coles Store. There, he surprised her & proceeded to strangle her. The woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor.

The manager stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses Artie strangled the manager as well.

However, Artie, was captured by security camera and caught & arrested by the police.
Questioned at the police station, Artie revealed his unusual financial arrangements with the husband, who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...



(You're going to hate me for this ... )






'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT COLES'


artichokes for $2 at coles

98
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New Seniors Alphabet

June 21st 2010 03:16
New Alphabet

A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now The Alphabet:

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H. High blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I.For incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.

W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.

new senior's doctor

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Hell Aint A Bad Place To Be...

June 18th 2010 03:03
Devil Jokes
A man dies and goes to Hell where he is greeted by the devil:
Devil: Hey, why are you bumming out?

[ Click here to read more ]
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Most Frequently Removed Tattoos

June 16th 2010 02:58
Top Ten Most Frequently Removed Tattoos


[ Click here to read more ]
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Amazing Discoveries

June 14th 2010 02:46
archaeological dig jokes
German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net


[ Click here to read more ]
126
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Storks Delivering Babies

June 11th 2010 02:41
stork baby
Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. Baby stork is crying and crying, and father stork is trying to calm him, "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, son is crying, and mother is saying, "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies


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Christmas is Scrapped

June 9th 2010 02:36

Twas the Night before X-mas

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110
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50th Wedding Anniversary

June 7th 2010 02:32
50th Wedding Anniversary

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question


[ Click here to read more ]
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Saskatchewan

June 4th 2010 03:59
Top 10 Reasons to Live in Saskatchewan


[ Click here to read more ]
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Interesting Address

June 2nd 2010 03:48
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