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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Jokes - July 2010

Books on Elephants

July 30th 2010 06:39
Every nation was asked to write a book about the Elephant:

The Elephant Book

The French book - 1000 ways to cook Elephant.

The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari.

The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.

The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants.

The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants.

The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money.

The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People.

The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1- 6.

The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant.

The Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants.

The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or Provincial Issue?

The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant

Message From Kevin

July 28th 2010 06:25
Kevin Rudd Ousted

Hey guys its me Kevin Rudd.
Remember that $900 I lent you last year?
Yeah I lost my job and Iím gonna need that backÖ..

Irish Virginity Test

July 26th 2010 06:15
Irish Virginity Test Kit

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could
tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
Irish Virginity Test Kit

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a
Do-It-Yourself..... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"

The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you
paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue .
If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'


July 23rd 2010 06:38
I want to hang a map of the world in my house.
Then I'm going to put pins into all the locations that I've travelled to.
But first, I'm going to have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

world map hanging corners

Universal Truths

July 21st 2010 06:20
29 UNIVERSAL TRUTHS andcounting. Feel free to add more!

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

8. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

9. Bad decisions make good stories.

10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

11. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after BlueRay? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again.

12. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

13. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

14. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

15. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

16. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

17. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

18. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid " routing option.

19. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

20. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

21. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger..

22. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

23. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an a ** from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

24. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants, never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

25. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

26. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

28. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

29. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!


July 19th 2010 05:53
First mammogram

For all you young (& older) women with pert firm breasts that have yet to endure a mammogram

[ Click here to read more ]

The Blind and the Blonde

July 16th 2010 03:59
A blind guy walks into a bar, sits down and asked the bartender if they would like to hear a blonde joke.

boxer blonde
The bartender replies, "Look mate I'll take it easy on you because you are blind, but youíre in a lesbian bar. I am blonde, the girl to your left is a professional boxer, and blonde, the girl to your right is a weight lifter, and also blonde, and both the security girls are blonde as well. Are you sure you want to tell that blonde joke

[ Click here to read more ]

Corruption Trial

July 12th 2010 03:44
money for corruption
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question

[ Click here to read more ]

Parking Cops

July 9th 2010 06:37
parking cop ticket
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was this motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break

[ Click here to read more ]


July 7th 2010 06:30
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO

[ Click here to read more ]

Find The Error

July 5th 2010 06:01
THIS DROVE ME CRAZY!! Even more than I already AM!

[ Click here to read more ]

It's Busy In Heaven Today

July 2nd 2010 05:50
fridge in heaven joke
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony

[ Click here to read more ]

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