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Jokes - August 2010

101 Ways To Annoy People

August 30th 2010 07:03
how to annoy people


1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."


5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".


19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, itís gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-b atter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

August 27th 2010 02:19
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynaecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
50
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The Preachers Donkey

August 25th 2010 02:03
A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in Race horses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead.
He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third.

The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines,
racing donkey ass jokes

"Preacher's Ass shows"

The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won!

The papers said,

"Preacher's Ass out in Front"

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.

The newspaper printed this headline,

"Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass"

This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal. The Preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The headlines the next day read,

"Nun has the Best Ass in Town"

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00.

The paper states,

"Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks"

They buried the Bishop the next day.
75
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Spelling Mistake

August 23rd 2010 01:59
Billboard on the corner of Beaudesert and Granard Roads in Rocklea, Queensland.



This is a real sign, real advertising... BIG SPELLING MISTAKE!
Billboard on the corner Beaudesert and Granard Roads, Rocklea, Qld. Australia.

Live Local? Check it out! Itís becoming a tourist attraction with the locals and Brisbanites alike!!





Anus Beef Sign

79
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Real Names of Famous People

August 20th 2010 03:23
Celebrity - Real Name

50 Cent - Curtis Jackson

Adam Ant - Stuart Leslie Goddard

Adam Faith - Terence Nelhams

Alice Cooper - Vincent Damon Furnier

Anna Nicole Smith - Vickie Lynn Hogan

Axl Rose - William Bailey

Barbara Windsor - Barbara-Ann Deeks

Barry Manilow - Barry Alan Pinkus

Benny Hill - Alfred Hawthorne Hill

Bez - Mark Berry

Big Daddy - Shirley Crabtree

Bill Wyman - William Perks

Billy Idol - William Broad

Billy Ocean - Leslie Sabastian Charles

Bing Crosby - Harry Lillis Crosby

Bob Dylan - Robert Allen Zimmerman

Bono - Paul Hewson

Boy George - George O Dowd

Brigette Bardot - Camille Javal

Buddy Holly - Charles Hardin Holley

Carmen Electra - Tara Patrick

Charlie Sheen - Carlos Irwin Estevez

Charlton Heston - John Charles Carter

Cher - Cherilyn Sarkisian LaPiere

Cheryl Baker - Rita Crudgington

Chris De Burgh - Christopher Davidson

Cilla Black - Priscilla White

Cliff Richard - Harry Webb

Crystal Gayle Brenda Gail Webb

David Bowie - David Robert Jones

David Copperfield - David Kotkin

David Essex - David Albert Cook

David Jason - David John White

David Tennant - David McDonald

David Walliams David Williams

Demi Moore - Demetria Gene Guynes

Diana Ross - Diane Earle

Dido - Florian Cloud de Bounevialle Armstrong

DJ Jazzy Jeff - Jeffrey Townes

Elle Macpherson - Eleanor Gow

Elton John - Reginald Dwight

Elvis Costello - Declan Mcmanus

Eminem - Marshall Bruce Mathers III

Englebert Humperdinck - Arnold George Dorsey
(Gerry Dorsey was an earlier stage name)

Eric Clapton - Eric Clapp

Frank Skinner - Chris Collins

Freddie Mercury - Farrokh Bulsara

Freddie Starr - Freddie Powell

Gary Glitter - Paul Gadd

Gary Numan - Gary Webb

Gene Wilder - Jerome Silberman

George Michael - Georgios Panaylotou

George Orwell - Eric Blair

Gloria Estefan - Gloria Fajardo

Goldie - Clifford Price

Harry Houdini - Erich Weiss

Hulk Hogan - Terry Bollea

Janet Street Porter - Janet Bull

Jennifer Aniston - Jennifer Anastassakis

Joe Strummer John Graham Mellor

John Cleese - John Cheese

John Wayne - Marion Morrison

Jordan - Katie Price

Kenny Everett - Maurice Cole

Lulu - Marie Lawrie

Madonna - Madonna Louise Ciccone

Marilyn Manson - Brian Warner

Marilyn Monroe - Norma Baker

Meatloaf - Marvin Aday

Meg Ryan - Margaret Hyra

Mel Gibson - Columcille Gibson

Michael Barrymore - Michael Parker

Michael Caine - Maurice Micklewhite

Michael Crawford - Michael Dumble-Smith

Moby - Richard Melville Hall

Mos Def Dante Terrell Smith

Natalie Portman - Natalie Hershlag

Neil Diamond - Noah Kaminsky

Nicolas Cage - Nicolas Coppola

Nina Ricci - Maria Nielli

Nina Simone - Eunice Wayman

Omar Sharif - Michael Shalhoub

Ozzy Osbourne - John Osbourne

Paul McCartney - James Paul McCartney

Pink - Alecia Moore

Prince - Prince Nelson

Ralph Lauren - Ralph Lipschitz

Ricky Martin - Enrique Morales

Ringo Starr - Richard Starkey


Robert Palmer - Alan Batley

Russ Abbot - Russell Roberts

Seal - Sealhenry Samuel

Shakin Stevens - Michael Barratt

Snoop Doggy Dogg - Calvin Broadus

Spike Milligan - Terence Alan Milligan

Stevie Wonder - born Steveland Judkins
changed to Steveland Morris

Stewart Granger - James Lablanche Stewart

Sting - Gordon Sumner

Suggs - Graham Mc Pherson

The Edge - David Evans

Tiger Woods - Eldrick Woods

Tina Turner - Anna Bullock

Tom Cruise - Thomas Cruise Mapother IV

Twiggy - Lesley Hornby

Vanilla Ice - Robert Van Winkle

Vic Reeves - Jim Moir

Vin Diesel - Mark Vincent

Whoopi Goldberg - Caryn Johnson

Woody Allen - Allen Konigsberg
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Jokes to Make You Groan

August 18th 2010 03:18
Groan Number 1
A frog walks into a bank and goes up to the teller, Patty Black. He says, "I'd like a loan." Patty Black replies, "Do you have any collateral?" The frog says, "Yes, Patty Black, I have a pink ceramic elephant." Patty Black says, "Well, I'll have to check with my boss, I'll be right back." Patty Black leaves the room and goes into her bosses office. She says, "Sir, there is a frog out there who wants a loan and he has a pink ceramic elephant for collateral. I shouldn't give it to him, should I?" Her boss says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan."

[ Click here to read more ]
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oxford english dictionary
Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations


[ Click here to read more ]
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Message From The Queen To Americans

August 13th 2010 05:17
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Dad's Crap Jokes

August 11th 2010 05:07
Dad's Crap Jokes


When asking to pass the pepper or salt, Dad will move as though to pass it, then continue his arm in a circle, returning the aforementioned condiment to its original resting place. So the salt has gone past you


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Home Remedies That Really Work

August 9th 2010 04:18
THESE REALLY WORK!!
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

[ Click here to read more ]
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A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first. "Tell me," said the doctor, "if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life


[ Click here to read more ]
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Some of Life's Truisms

August 4th 2010 05:29

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

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Blonde Horseback Riding

August 2nd 2010 05:20
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle


[ Click here to read more ]
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