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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Jokes - September 2010

Most Quoted Lines by Geeks

September 29th 2010 04:38
Most Quoted Lines by Movie Geeks

quotes by movie geeks

When trying to get a girl's number ...
C-3PO: "Sir, the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately 3,720 to one!"

Han Solo: "Never tell me the odds."
-- 'Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back' (1980)

If your friend screwed up ...
"Ray, when someone asks you if you're a God, you say, 'Yes!'"
-- Winston Zeddemore, 'Ghostbusters' (1984)

When you get your driver's license ...
"If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 you're going to see some serious s**t."
-- Doc Brown, 'Back to the Future' (1985)

When you have to tell a friend "No"...
Dave: "Open the pod bay doors, HAL."
HAL: "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
-- '2001: A Space Odyssey' (1968)

When you're lost ...
"Remember, no matter where you go, there you are."
-- Buckaroo Banzai, 'The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension' (1984)

When you have something of value ...
"My precious!"
-- Gollum, 'The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers' (2002)

When you know you're smarter than the other guy ...
"With great power comes great responsibility."
-- Uncle Ben, 'Spider-Man' (2002)

When saying "goodbye"...

"Live long and prosper."
-- old Vulcan proverb ('Star Trek')

When you stand up to a bully ...
"You shall not pass!"
-- Gandalf the Grey, 'Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring' (2001)

When you hear a great idea ...
"I'd buy that for a dollar!"
-- Bixby Snyder, 'Robocop' (1987)

When you run into an old friend ...
Marion: "You're not the man I knew 10 years ago."
Jones: "It's not the years, honey; it's the mileage."
-- 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' (1981)

When confessing your true feelings to your significant other...
Princess Leia Organa: "I love you."
Han Solo: "I know."
-- 'Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back' (1980)

After taking a difficult test ...
"We came, we saw, we kicked its a**!"
-- Dr. Peter Venkman, 'Ghostbusters' (1984)

When you get to be the boss ...
"Make it so!"
-- Capt. Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise ('Star Trek')

When words fail to describe the weekend you had ...
"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I've watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those ... moments will be lost in time, like tears ... in rain."
-- Roy Batty, 'Blade Runner' (1982)

When you need to get even ...
"Revenge is a dish best served cold"
-- old Klingon proverb ('Star Trek')

When it's time to bail ...
"Get to the chopper!"
-- Dutch, 'Predator' (1987)

When you're facing your one weakness...
"Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?"
-- Indiana Jones, 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' (1981)

When you've been duped ...
"It's a trap!"
-- Admiral Ackbar, 'Star Wars: Episode IV - Return of the Jedi' (1983)

After getting into any argument, anywhere, with anyone ...
"Boy, do I hate being right all the time."
-- Dr. Ian Malcolm, 'Jurassic Park' (1993)

When you have to explain how bad things are ...
Dr. Raymond Stantz: "Real wrath-of-God type stuff! Fire and brimstone coming down from the sky! Rivers and seas boiling!"
Dr. Egon Spengler: "40 years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes."
Winston Zeddemore: "The dead rising from the grave!"
Dr. Peter Venkman: "Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria!"
-- 'Ghostbusters' (1984)

The mother of all quotes. When you feel like saying it, just because ...
Darth Vader: "If only you knew the power of the Dark Side. Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father."
Luke Skywalker: "He told me enough! He told me you killed him!"
Darth Vader: "No, I am your father."
Luke Skywalker: "No. No! That's not true! That's impossible!"
Darth Vader: "Search your feelings, you know it to be true!"
Luke Skywalker: "Noooooo!"
-- 'Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back' (1980)

Kanye West on Twitter

September 27th 2010 04:26
The best Kanye West tweets.

"Your album good @Justinbieber Playing it at my crib now"

"Fresh Mode is my dress code"

"I got the best leather pants collection since the 80's .... If I must"

"Sometimes I get emotional over fonts"

"There's so many ways to break down the subject of power ... me and Kobe went in on it... Perfect person to help out on that"

Kanye and Kobe

"Classical music is tight yo"

"I ordered the salmon medium instead of medium well I didn't want to ruin the magic"

"I don't own own a phone so no tweets in the club... lap tops are hard to dance with hahahahaaha"

"Dating models I had to learn to like small dogs and cigarettes"

"Don't you hate when girls send you a picture of ... anything other themselves!!!"

"Tell everyone at the label only use Gothic or Helvetic fonts for email blast unless I otherwise approve"

"all these tweets are sponsored by Grey Goose!!!!!!!!! Hahahahahaaaaaajfftujgcjcg"

"Fur pillows are hard to actually sleep on"

"I think Twitter was designed specifically with me in mind just my humble opinion hahhhahaaaahaaa humble hahahahhahaahaaaa"

"Being nice is the s--- ... working on being a doper person #ITSAPROCESS"

The Barber

September 24th 2010 03:18

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

"He said, 'Where'd you get the lousy haircut?'"

meeting the pope


Cheap Windows

September 22nd 2010 03:13

blonde windows joke
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been
completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,...........just because I' m blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid.. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy
had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only
silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never
called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

Dogs Vs Wives

September 20th 2010 03:07
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

dogs vs wifes
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory:

Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

From A Redneck Mother With Love

September 17th 2010 04:16
Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast

[ Click here to read more ]

Murphy's Laws of Flying

September 15th 2010 04:06
Beware of low flying aircraft funny sign

1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight

[ Click here to read more ]

Totally Useless Information

September 13th 2010 03:52
my arms are tired sign

1. Coca-cola was originally green

[ Click here to read more ]

Polish Jokes

September 10th 2010 03:23
poland jokes
Two Poles are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away. He replies, "Those ones were pointed on the wrong end." His Polish friend gets exasperated and says "You idiot, those are for the other side of the house!"

Two Poles emigrated to America. On their first day in New York City, they spotted a hot dog vendor in the street. "Do they eat dogs in America?" one asked the other. "I dunno." "Well, we're going to live here, so we might as well learn to do as they do." So they each bought a hot dog wrapped up and sat down to eat them on a nearby park bench. One Pole looked at his hot dog, then over at the other Pole and asked, "What part did you get

[ Click here to read more ]

Roman Jokes

September 8th 2010 03:18
ancient rome jokes

Ancient Roman jokes are usually recorded by ancient writers to be used as a rhetorical device, and many of them are apparently taken from real-life trials conducted by famous advocates, such as Cicero

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Ancient Roman Jokes

September 6th 2010 03:05
ancient rome jokes

Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is

[ Click here to read more ]

Host: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready

[ Click here to read more ]

Advantages Of Being A Woman

September 1st 2010 07:06
Advantages of being a woman
1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers

[ Click here to read more ]

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