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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Jokes - October 2010

Texan in Australia

October 29th 2010 03:24
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?

kangaroo jokes
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?



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Blonde Cook Book

October 27th 2010 02:57
DEAR DIARY:


Monday

blonde cooking
It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbours were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday

Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper


Wednesday

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday

Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

Friday

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Sunday

Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
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Store Employees

October 25th 2010 02:20
What store employees wish they could say...


store employee customer jokes
You are obviously smarter than me, so if YOU can't figure it out, what the hell makes you think I can?

No, sir, I'm not hard-of-hearing, neither am I stupid. You just don't speak good English.

Do you notice that your bad behaviour is embarrassing your wife?

Do you want me to go ahead and call the manager, or do you want me to wait till you're REALLY pissed off?

I can tell you right now I'm not going to give you very good service, because I think you're drunk or possibly on drugs, and frankly, you scare the hell out of me.

No, sir, I can't do math in my head, but I can spell diarrhea.

I realize I'm ignoring you, but you're in here every three days with your bratty kid and you never buy anything you don't return.

Shame on you for using such language in front of your children.

You've been waiting 30 minutes? Why didn't you use the time to find it yourself?

If I were as smart as you THINK I should be, I'd be making a lot more money than I am now.

Don't complain about the friggin’ line up and then fumble through your purse for 5 minutes when you finally have your order taken.

Ahhhh thanks for that tip chief...maybe I can make a friggin’ phone call now!

No, really, I want you to call me every day to ask what time we close when we are open 24 hours a day.

Please bring in your friggin’ dirty cans and bottles that are filled with cigarette butts, piss, cockroaches, ants.... And yes, you do have to put your nasty shit on a box, because ill be dammed if I touch that.

Oh yes, please let me search out that item that we haven't had for eight years and then bitch to me for a half hour about how we had it yesterday. We didn't...asshole!

Should I hand you the fries or shove them up your fat ass?

So you want a combo, but you want onion rings instead of fries, a stake instead of a burger, and you want a can of pop instead of fountain pop.....WELL IT AIN'T A FRIGGIN’ COMBO NO MORE!!!

Well now that you've ordered your large popcorn with extra butter and 2 large chocolate bars, I'm sure that the large DIET coke will really do you some good and cancel out the 10,000 calories you are about to eat while you sit on your ass and do sweet f’ all nothing for the next two hours.

You're an idiot. So are your kids.

You know I am off work and yet you insist on motioning to me... Well for some reason I have gone blind and can't see you. Dink!

Maybe you should buy a full length mirror before buying all that junk food.

What the hell are you standing around staring at the menu for, jackass?!?!? We've had the same goddamn menu for 25 years. Get the friggin’ quarter pounder!

Don't complain about the friggin’ line up if you have had the past 15 minutes to get your money ready and your only now fumbling through your bottomless purse for money. Get organized you old, useless, inconsiderate, ungrateful, sack of shit.

We're closed idiot, that's why I didn't take your order when you pulled through my drive thru!

No I won't make your sandwich without pickles, you can eat what the rest of friggin’ America likes!

Will you get out of my store so that I may clean up your friggin’ mess, so that I can go home?

I don't mind helping you Sir/Madame, but please go home and take a BATH!!!

OK dumbass, it was a choice of paper OR plastic. Not a combination thereof, just paper or friggin' plastic. Do you honestly think I care about the arse of your bags ripping?

No you moron, I don't work here! I'm only here because I like to wear this name tag, sweep floors and hang around 10 to 12 hours a day for the fun of it!

You don't like the new layout of the store? OK, well go to another supermarket. I don't give a shit.

The food will never look like it does in the pictures. The food in the picture was plastic.
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EVER WONDER...

October 22nd 2010 03:36
ever wonder. Life's ponderings
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why do they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
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Government Employees

October 20th 2010 03:32
These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations...

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"

"I would not allow this employee to breed"

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"

"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"

"He's been working with glue too much"

"He would argue with a signpost"

"He has knack for making strangers immediately"

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"

"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"

"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"

"A prime candidate for natural deselection"

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"

"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"

"One neuron short of a synapse"

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"

"Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes"

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

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Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

October 18th 2010 03:25
Murphy's lesser known laws


Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak


[ Click here to read more ]
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A Teenager Is...

October 15th 2010 01:33
A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast


[ Click here to read more ]
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10 Office Rules

October 13th 2010 01:23
Rules of the office jokes


10. Never walk without a document -- People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do


[ Click here to read more ]
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Designated Drivers

October 11th 2010 01:12
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws.

breathalyser test
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes


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Barack Obama

October 8th 2010 05:58
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Things You Might Be Saying Wrong

October 6th 2010 05:10
You never mean: Could care less

You always mean: Couldn't care less


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Classes For Men

October 4th 2010 05:07
WICOE
(Women In Charge Of Everything)
Is proud to announce the opening of its

[ Click here to read more ]
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Best Jokes of the Edinburgh Fest

October 1st 2010 04:46
Edinburg Fringe Jokes


The top 10 jokes of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2010 were judged to be


[ Click here to read more ]
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