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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Jokes - March 2011

Kids in the Car

March 30th 2011 02:44
kids in the car joke
On his birthday, my husband was stuck driving our six rambunctious children around.

As usual, they were yelling, punching, and annoying one another until finally he had had enough.

"Kids," he said, "if you would behave and be kind to each other, that would be a very nice birthday present for me."


Our six-year-old shot back: "Too late, I already got you another present."



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Sincerely

March 28th 2011 01:53
sincerely


Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely, Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realise that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasising about that.
Sincerely, Logic


Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bi!ch.
Sincerely, The Titanic

Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
Sincerely, Anonymous

Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely, Canada

Dear Boyfriend,
I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Sincerely, Spiders

Dear Voldemort,
So they screwed up your nose too?
Sincerely, Michael Jackson

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely, Google

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely, BP

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely, 1985

Dear Justin Bieber,
Ariel would really love her voice back.
Sincerely, King Triton

Dear Rose,
There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.
Sincerely, Jack

Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely, That Little Triangle

Dear Taylor Swift,
If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in the end.
Sincerely, Shakespeare

Dear Soccer Fans,
B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z!
Sincerely, Vuvuzelas

Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely, God

Dear Rubik's Cube,
Done!
Sincerely, Colorblind

Dear Santa,
Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho's.
Sincerely, Tiger Woods

Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,
I. Can't. Breathe.
Sincerely, Your Balls

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream... What now?
Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio

Dear Sleeping Beauty,
I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and totally save China for my man.
All you had to do was wake up.
Sincerely, Mulan

Dear Romeo,
My death isn't the only thing I've been faking...
Sincerely, Juliet

Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely, Unimpressed

Dear Sex Educators,
Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.
Sincerely, The Virgin Mary

Dear Toaster,
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?
Sincerely, Toast

Dear Edward,
I really hope that one day, I can find my way into your heart.
Sincerely, a stake

Dear Prince Charming,
You've got some explaining to do!
Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty
17
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Driving Styles in Different Cities

March 25th 2011 03:17
driving styles across the USA
Depending on where someone is from and where they are driving you can make some assumptions about their driving styles and etiquette...



Chicago: One hand on wheel, one hand on horn.

New York: One hand on wheel, one finger out window.

New Jersey: One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic.

Boston: One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator.

Scarborough, Ontario: Both hands clenched on steering wheel, driver staring directly forward, cutting in front of you and slowing down to 40 in a 60 zone then looking in rearview mirror in wonder as to why the car behind is flashing high beams.

Los Angeles: One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator with gun in lap

Ohio, but driving in California: Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror.

Italy: Both hands in air and gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat.

Seattle: One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game.

Texas: One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window.

West Virginia: Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna.

Florida: Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on.

Edmonton: One gloved hand on wheel, one hand on heater, feet up underneath bum to keep warm, 3 differently decorated ice scrapers, one plastic, broken; one steel, broken; one pastel, hidden in trunk. neither foot on accelerator or brakes because with all the ice on the roads, you're all moving at the same speed either way.

Dubuque, Iowa: no use of turn signal, or left on for 26 blocks...also cradling cheap cell phone.

Maine: Beat up 1983 Dodge Ram pick-up truck, right hand holding a Dunkin Donuts coffee, cigarette dangling from mouth, greasy hair shoved underneath an oil stained cap and classic rock blaring from the radio.

Vancouver: Canadian beer in one hand, B.C. Weed in the other. Dick on the steering wheel

New Orleans: One hand on wheel, one hand holding down sum hookers head while she's giving head!

Pennsylvania: Both hands on reigns.

California: (Bay Area / Silicon Valley) One hand on laptop computer, one hand at on-board navigation/Internet console installed in dash board, cell phone attached to head with microphone earpiece, having a executive meeting with half a dozen people on speaker phone, palm pilot wedged between knees to observe up to date stock quotes, and shoes kicked off, and feet crossed because traffic hasn't moved in the past hour.

Montana: One finger on steering wheel of jacked up 4x4, Charlie Daniels blaring from speakers, dead coyote in back, hay leaves blowing out of bed while going down the highway.

Nebraska: Two hands on wheel, with head lodged up ass, chunks of rust falling off by the pound.

Quebec: engaged in heated political discussion with espresso in one hand and croissant in the other, aiming for pedestrians who have the mistaken notion that crosswalks are for them.

Michigan: Both hands on wheel and head up ass.

Toronto: Both hands on the wheel, seat as far forward as possible, head fixed only looking forward, ignoring people behind and beside you, stopping and waiting for the road to fully clear before making any forward progress.

Los Angeles: Lowered Honda, can't see over dash, driving too fast or too slow, car sounds like a bee as it goes by.
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Comments Made in The Year 1955!

March 23rd 2011 03:13
That’s only 56 years ago!


what people said back in 1955



‘I’ll tell you one thing, if things
keep going the way they are,
it’s going to be impossible to
buy a week’s groceries for $10.00. ‘




_____________________________ ___________
‘Have you seen the new cars
coming out next year? It won’t
be long before $1, 000.00 will
only buy a used one.’








_____________________________ ___________
‘If cigarettes keep going up in
price, I’m going to quit; 20 cents
a pack is ridiculous. ‘


_____________________________ ___________
‘Did you hear the post office is
thinking about charging 7 cents
just to mail a letter.’


_____________________________ ___________
‘If they raise the minimum wage
to $1.00, nobody will be able to
hire outside help at the store.’


_____________________________ ___________
‘When I first started driving, who
would have thought gas would
someday cost 25 cents a gallon.
Guess we’d be better off leaving
the car in the garage.’


_____________________________ ___________
‘I’m afraid to send my kids to the
movies any more. Ever since they
let Clark Gable get by with saying
DAMN in ‘GONE WITH THE WIND’,
it seems every new movie has
either HELL or DAMN in it.’



_____________________________ ___________
‘I read the other day where some
scientist thinks it’s possible to put
a man on the moon by the end of
the century. They even have some
fellows they call astronauts
preparing for it down in Texas.’


_____________________________ ___________
‘Did you see where some baseball
player just signed a contract for
$50,000 a year just to play ball?
It wouldn’t surprise me if someday
they’ll be making more than the
President. ‘


_____________________________ ___________
‘I never thought I’d see the day
all our kitchen appliances would
be electric. They are even making
electric typewriters now. ‘


_____________________________ ___________
‘It’s too bad things are so tough
nowadays. I see where a few
married women are having to
work to make ends meet. ‘


_____________________________ ___________
‘It won’t be long before young
couples are going to have to hire
someone to watch their kids so
they can both work.’


_____________________________ ___________
‘I’m afraid the Volkswagen car
is going to open the door to a
whole lot of foreign business.’


_____________________________ ___________
‘Thank goodness I won’t live to
see the day when the Government
takes half our income in taxes. I
sometimes wonder if we are
electing the best people to
government.’




_____________________________ ___________
‘The drive-in restaurant is
convenient in nice weather,
but I seriously doubt they
will ever catch on.’




_____________________________ ___________
‘There is no sense going on short
trips anymore for a weekend. It
costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay
in a hotel.’


_____________________________ ___________
‘No one can afford to be sick
anymore. At $15.00 a day in
the hospital, it’s too rich for
my blood.’




_____________________________ ___________
‘If they think I’ll pay 30 cents
for a hair cut, forget it.’


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Dear Parents

March 21st 2011 03:04
Dear Parents,


Aladdin’s lamp
Jasmine was in a relationship with a dirty homeless boy named Aladdin.
Snow White lived alone with 7 men.
Pinocchio was a liar.
Robin Hood was a thief.
Tarzan walked around without clothes on.
A stranger kissed sleeping beauty and she married him.
Cinderella lied and snuck out at night to attend a party.

Sincerely, it's not our fault, it's how you raised us.
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Redneck Jedi

March 18th 2011 03:34
You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If...


[ Click here to read more ]
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The Gunslinger

March 16th 2011 03:28
gunslinger wyatt earp joke
It's 1880, a time of gunslingers and gentlemen. This is a story of a young man that wanted more than anything to be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west. The place was Dodge City, Kansas in the Sawdust Saloon. The young man walked into the Sawdust Saloon and, to his surprise, saw Bat Masterson sitting at a table playing poker.

The young man alked up to Bat and said, "Mr. Masterson, I would like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?" Bat Masterson put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, "Son, I don't usually give out tips that could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you


[ Click here to read more ]
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Puns for Educated Minds

March 14th 2011 03:05
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The Surgery

March 11th 2011 03:00
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks


[ Click here to read more ]
21
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Blonde Flying

March 9th 2011 02:56
first class travel blonde joke
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to the coach section since she did not have a first class ticket.

The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving


[ Click here to read more ]
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Kiss and Slap

March 7th 2011 02:51
train ride jokes
A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.

[ Click here to read more ]
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Speeding Ticket

March 4th 2011 05:51
speeding ticket smart joke
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer


[ Click here to read more ]
22
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Mental Health Hotline

March 2nd 2011 05:47
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

mental health hotline joke
If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly


[ Click here to read more ]
20
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