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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Jokes - April 2011

CIA vs FBI vs LAPD

April 29th 2011 01:11
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.


The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"


bear under arrest


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Who Likes Almonds?

April 27th 2011 01:09
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After approximately 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times. He finally asks her why they do not eat almonds themselves.
Whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth. They are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
The old lady answers: "We just love the chocolate around them."




chocolate almonds joke

27
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Computer Helplines

April 25th 2011 00:02
Computer Helpline Key
This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. The HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for: "Termination without Cause." (I think he has a good case):

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV."

"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"....... Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach it."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
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The Co-Pilot

April 22nd 2011 02:08
control tower co-pilot
This story allegedly happened late one night during bad weather. As heard over the tower radio:

Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over >such-and-such< beacon".

Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000 over that beacon!"

(brief pause, then first voice again): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot."
9
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How to Get Into Heaven

April 20th 2011 02:03
cowboy at the pearly gates
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick and punch all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'
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Post Turtle

April 18th 2011 01:57
While suturing the hand of a 75 year old farmer, who’d cut himself while working, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to a well known politician in the area.

The old farmer said, 'Well, you know, that bloke is a 'Post Turtle


[ Click here to read more ]
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Rhyming Impossibilities

April 15th 2011 02:04
Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,
Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants!
I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before,

[ Click here to read more ]
20
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ID ten T error

April 13th 2011 01:57
As we "Silver Surfers" (older folks on the internet) know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over


[ Click here to read more ]
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Give Generously Collingwood

April 11th 2011 01:52
Collingwood flood victims need assistance - Please Give Generously
Collingwood Flood Disaster

Torrential rain hit Collingwood in the early hours of last night


[ Click here to read more ]
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Poker Jokes

April 8th 2011 02:37
Joe's just gotten his morning coffee on the way to work when a booming voice tells him: "Take the freeway instead of your normal shortcut." He takes the freeway and when he gets to the office everyone is talking about a huge accident that occurred on his normal route to work.

Three days later he's grilling burgers in his backyard and the voice tells him: "Go inside and watch television." He does and through the window outside he watches a huge oak tree fall and crush the grill where he was just standing.

[ Click here to read more ]
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Firefighting Jokes

April 6th 2011 02:37
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Book Report - Priceless

April 4th 2011 02:11
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Moral of the Story

April 1st 2011 02:54
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

[ Click here to read more ]
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