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Jokes - July 2011

Finnish Weather Explained

July 29th 2011 06:44
meanwhile in Finland Jokes


15C / 59F
This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start here.
People in Spain wears winter-coats and gloves.
The Finns are out in the sun, getting a tan.

10C / 50F
The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.

The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.

5C / 41F
Italian cars won't start.
The Finns are cruising in cabriolets.

0C / 32F
Distilled water freezes.
The water in the Vanda river (in Finland) gets a little thicker.

-5C / 23F
People in California almost freeze to death.
The Finns have their final barbecue before winter.

-10C / 14F
The Brits start the heat in their houses.
The Finns start using long sleeves.

-20C / -4F
The Aussies flee from Mallorca.
The Finns end their Midsummer celebrations. Autumn is here.

-30C / -22F
People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth.
The Finns start drying their laundry indoors.

-40C / -40F
Paris starts cracking in the cold.
The Finns stand in line at the "grilli-kioski".

-50C / -58F
Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole.
The Finnish army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.

-60C / -76F
Korvatunturi (the home for Santa Claus) freezes.
The Finns rent a movie and stay indoors.


-70C / -94F
The false Santa moves south.
The Finns get frustrated since they can't store their Kossu (Koskenkorva vodka) outdoors.
The Finnish army goes out on winter survival training.

-183C / -297.4F
Microbes in food don't survive.
The Finnish cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.

-273C / -459.4F
All atom-based movent halts.
The Finns start saying "Perkele, it's cold outside today."

-300C / -508F
Hell freezes over.
Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest.
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Porcupines

July 27th 2011 06:38
It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold...

porcupines huddle together


The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together. They were covered and protected, but the quills of each wounded the closest companion. After a while, they decided to distance themselves, and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.
Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds that were caused by their close relationships because the most important part was the heat that came from the others. They were able to survive.


The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but the one that forms when individuals learn to live with the imperfections and admire the good qualities of others.
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Everything I Like....

July 25th 2011 06:30
Tell Me About It!!




EVERYTHING
I LIKE
IS EITHER
ILLEGAL
IMMORAL
FATTENING
ADDICTIVE
EXPENSIVE
OR IMPOSSIBLE.
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Existential Zingers

July 22nd 2011 07:54
The Dalai Lama walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." -- funnyr.com

Why do they bother saying "raw" sewage? Do some people cook that stuff? (George Carlin)

People in hell...where do they tell someone to go? (Red Skelton)

I didn't invent the hypothetical situation, but let's just suppose for a second that I did. (Auggie Cook)

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He laid awake nights wondering if there really is a dog. (unknown)


Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours!" He goes: "Not in a row!" (Steven Wright)


A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs." (Woody Allen ? - at the end of the film "Annie Hall")


I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive. (Steven Wright)


I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?!" (Jack Handey)


I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. (Woody Allen)


Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you've got it made. (George Burns)


I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me, "What do you do at a red light?" I said, I don't know... look around, listen to the radio ... (Bill Braudis)


Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said, "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?" (Gilbert Gottfried)


If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts. (Steven Wright)


I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. (Steven Wright)


I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. (Steven Wright)


I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth. (Janeane Garofalo)


Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do, don't need to be done. (Andy Rooney)


You can't have everything. Where would you put it? (Steven Wright)


Let me ask you something--if someone's lying, are their pants really on fire? (Jerry Seinfeld)
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Professor Quotes

July 20th 2011 07:32
Humourous Quotes from Professors at UW



"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem." - C. Durance Computer Science 234

"Let's make ethanol green this afternoon." - R. Friesen Chemistry 124

"You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename." - Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454

"What I've done, of course, is total garbage." - R. Willard Pure Math 430a

"The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug someone with it?" - M. Devine Computer Science 340

"Is it a really good acid, or just a half-acid?" - R. Friesen Chemistry 124

"You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. Why do you find that funny?" - D. Taylor Computer Science 350

"This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does something child-like." - Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454

"I think it is true for all n. I was just playing it safe with n>=3 because I couldn't remember the proof." - Baker Pure Math 351a

"Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a smurfette." - P. Buhr Computer Science 354

"Every prof blows this. We're all going to get AIDS or something." - J. Vanderkooy Physics 122

"How do you find an isomorphism? You just f it. See? Graph theory is a lot of fun." - I. Goulden Combinatorics and Optimization 230

"You can't drink negative beer. Well, I guess you could throw up." - Forbes Math Elective 102

"Due to the postal strike, the assignment is extended to one week from today. I do not give out extensions without good reason." - Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454

"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on." - Hepler Systems Design 182

"You have to regard everything I say with suspicion - I may be trying to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently." - J. Wainwright Mathematics 140b

"Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat." - M. Devine and P. Larson Computer Science 340

"We'll call it S for cyclic." - Gord Sinnamon Mathematics 234b

"Karen has her own i, and she is not going to let Frank put his data into it." - F. D. Boswell Computer Science 240

"All that was meant to bore you shitless." - I. Goulden Combinatorics and Optimization 230

"The subspace W inherits the other 8 properties of V. And there aren't even any property taxes." - J. MacKay Mathematics 134b

"So you have this mapping P(v). So what does it mean? It means you take v and 'P' on it, right?" - J. Baker Mathematics 234b

"That's an engineer on his work term. He's sawing pipes, then soldering them back together again...He'll do that 10 times to make the pipe shorter." - J. MacKay Statistics 332

"What do I do if I am running low on my [computer] account?" "Take out a loan." - C. Durance Computer Science 234
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I Believe

July 18th 2011 07:17
I believe quotes


That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become


[ Click here to read more ]
35
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SMS Jokes

July 15th 2011 03:08
To go with the previous post of funny and jokes text messages, here is part 2!


[ Click here to read more ]
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Funny Text Messages

July 13th 2011 03:00
Jokes emails have become somewhat of an institution these days, but why haven't funny text message jokes become popular?
To get you started, here are a few funny text messages, send them to everyone in your contacts!


[ Click here to read more ]
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Senior Health Care Solution

July 11th 2011 02:55
Is This A Great Country or What?

senior health care prison

[ Click here to read more ]
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Signs You've Grown Up

July 8th 2011 06:26
you know you've grown up when


1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them


[ Click here to read more ]
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Dear Dad

July 6th 2011 06:23
dear dad report letter


A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed


[ Click here to read more ]
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One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift


[ Click here to read more ]
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Calling a Jackass

July 1st 2011 03:19
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!! Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again


[ Click here to read more ]
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