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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Jokes - August 2011

Word of Advice

August 31st 2011 02:51
little johnny lollies
One fine afternoon a man was walking down the street; and as he came around the corner he spotted a young boy sitting in front of the local lolly shop. As he approached, he realised it was his neighbour’s kid - Little Johnny.

The boy was shoving sweet tarts and chocolate bars down his throat as fast as possible, so much that it prompted the man to offer some advice: "You know, Johnny, it's not healthy to eat all those lollies."

Little Johnny looks up at him and quickly retorts "You know, my grandad lived to be 96 years old."

"Oh," the man replied, "did he eat a lot of lollies?"
"Nope," retorted Little Johnny, "he minded his own damn business!"

How To Use Capitalisation!

August 29th 2011 02:45


This from a retired English teacher...

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capitalisation.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement.
“Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.”

Is everybody clear on that?

Uncle jack off a horse. Capitalisation


UN International Survey

August 26th 2011 06:29

Last month the UN conducted an international telephone survey. The only question asked was -

"Would you please give your honest opinion about a solution to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

Finally, in Australia, most people just hung up the phone as soon as they heard the telemarketer's accent.

The Lotus Touts

August 24th 2011 06:25
Good and Happy Life Tips: The Lotus Touts

lotus touts life lessons

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, t heir conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.

FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye..

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT.. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely...

TEN.... In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN.. Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN! ... When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'

FOURTEEN.. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN.. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY- ONE. Spend some time alone.

Working For The Government

August 22nd 2011 06:09
applying for a government job

A guy goes to a local government department to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“Ok, have you ever been in the military service?”
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for one tour.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?” The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles. I have a limited physical disability.”

The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Okay. You’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day.”

The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8am to 4pm, why do you want me here at 10am?”

“This is a government job”, the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls, no point in you coming in for that.”

If Beer Had Health Warnings

August 19th 2011 05:59
It has been proposed that alcoholic beverages carry labels with the following health messages:
alcohol beer health warnings

It's been proposed that warning signs be placed on beer bottles to tip off drinkers about the likely effects

[ Click here to read more ]

Broken Breathalyser

August 17th 2011 05:53
A routine police patrol is parked outside a local neighbourhood pub. Late in the evening the officers notice a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the carpark for a few minutes, with the officers quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
broken breathalyser designated decoy

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left

[ Click here to read more ]

The Golden Saloon

August 15th 2011 05:49
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden."

"Bullshit! There's no such place

[ Click here to read more ]

Are Scientists Like Politicians?

August 12th 2011 05:33
Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog.

For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs

[ Click here to read more ]

Factory Workers

August 10th 2011 03:21
Two factory workers are talking.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off

[ Click here to read more ]

Why We Love Tax

August 10th 2011 03:12
In the year 2000 a Goods and Services Tax (VAT!) was introduced in Australia. Concomitant with it was a new tax ruling. Here is part of it. Australian Tax Code, Section 165-55.
Australian Tax Ruling

For the purposes of making a declaration under this subdivision, the Commisioner may

[ Click here to read more ]



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Swedish Jokes

August 5th 2011 04:23
Swedish jokes

A Swedish truck driver once got stuck in a tunnel in Norway. Soon a Norwegian came by the tunnel and found out that the truck was wedged in with the load stuck against the ceiling. The Norwegian suggested that the Swede let the air out of the tires. The Swede looked angrily at him, "You moron! The truck is stuck up on top

[ Click here to read more ]

Construction Workers

August 3rd 2011 04:10

finland jokes. too long when

You meticulously manage your plastic bag collection

[ Click here to read more ]

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