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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Jokes - September 2011

The Bravest Armed Forces

September 30th 2011 08:55
army navy air force marine joke
Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.

To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!"


"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.

The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general.

"Ah, that's nothing," says the Admiral, "Seaman!" A seaman appears, "YES, SIR!!" "Take this weapon," as he offers him an M14, "Scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms, and sing 'Anchors Aweigh.' Salute each of us, and jump off.

"YES SIR!!" replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole with the weapon high over his head, and completes the task perfectly.

"Now that's courage!" says the admiral.

"Courage, nothin'" snorts the Army general. "Get over here, private!"
"YES SIR!!" replies the private.

"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first."


"YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task.
"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"

They all look to the Marine. "Private," he says.
"YES SIR!!"

"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."

The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, "FUCK YOU SIR!!"

The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!"
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The Pirate Battles

September 28th 2011 08:50
Battle on the Ocean

pirate battle
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, 'Bring me my red shirt!'

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, 'Bring me my red shirt!'

And once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, 'Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?'

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, 'If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.'
The men sat in silence marvelling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.
The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.
The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants!'
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We'll All Be Ruined

September 26th 2011 08:41
SAID HANRAHAN
We all have very short memories when it comes to previous financial crises, droughts, heatwaves and floods – nothing is new at all!.







SAID HANRAHAN by John O'Brien. Written in 1921.


"We'll all be rooned," said Hanrahan,
In accents most forlorn,
Outside the church, ere Mass began,
One frosty Sunday morn.

The congregation stood about,
Coat-collars to the ears,
And talked of stock, and crops, and drought,
As it had done for years.

"It's looking crook," said Daniel Croke;
"Bedad, it's cruke, me lad,
For never since the banks went broke
Has seasons been so bad."

"It's dry, all right," said young O'Neil,
With which astute remark
He squatted down upon his heel
And chewed a piece of bark.

And so around the chorus ran
"It's keepin' dry, no doubt."
"We'll all be rooned," said Hanrahan,
"Before the year is out."

"The crops are done; ye'll have your work
To save one bag of grain;
From here way out to Back-o'-Bourke
They're singin' out for rain.

"They're singin' out for rain," he said,
"And all the tanks are dry."
The congregation scratched its head,
And gazed around the sky.

"There won't be grass, in any case,
Enough to feed an ass;
There's not a blade on Casey's place
As I came down to Mass."

"If rain don't come this month," said Dan,
And cleared his throat to speak -
"We'll all be rooned," said Hanrahan,
"If rain don't come this week."

A heavy silence seemed to steal
On all at this remark;
And each man squatted on his heel,
And chewed a piece of bark.

"We want an inch of rain, we do,"
O'Neil observed at last;
But Croke "maintained" we wanted two
To put the danger past.

"If we don't get three inches, man,
Or four to break this drought,
We'll all be rooned," said Hanrahan,
"Before the year is out."

In God's good time down came the rain;
And all the afternoon
On iron roof and window-pane
It drummed a homely tune.

And through the night it pattered still,
And lightsome, gladsome elves
On dripping spout and window-sill
Kept talking to themselves.

It pelted, pelted all day long,
A-singing at its work,
Till every heart took up the song
Way out to Back-o'-Bourke.

And every creek a banker ran,
And dams filled overtop;
"We'll all be rooned," said Hanrahan,
"If this rain doesn't stop."

And stop it did, in God's good time;
And spring came in to fold
A mantle o'er the hills sublime
Of green and pink and gold.

And days went by on dancing feet,
With harvest-hopes immense,
And laughing eyes beheld the wheat
Nid-nodding o'er the fence.

And, oh, the smiles on every face,
As happy lad and lass
Through grass knee-deep on Casey's place
Went riding down to Mass.

While round the church in clothes genteel
Discoursed the men of mark,
And each man squatted on his heel,
And chewed his piece of bark.

"There'll be bush-fires for sure, me man,
There will, without a doubt;
We'll all be rooned," said Hanrahan,
"Before the year is out."
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Duck Jokes

September 23rd 2011 03:23
Duck Warning Sign
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence to collect the bird, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer replied, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field. Now I’m going in to retrieve it.”

The old farmer looked the lawyer in the eyes and stated firmly, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The lawyer huffed angrily, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country. If you don’t let me get my duck, I’ll sue you.”

The old farmer smiled. “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tennessee Three Kick Rule.”

The lawyer asked, “What’s the Tennessee Three Kick Rule?”

The Farmer answered, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

The attorney thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick to the shin had the lawyer hopping around on one foot when suddenly the farmer planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to pass out.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot, now it’s my turn.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.





In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor. One co-worker said the programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a “severe nonlinear waterfowl issue.” Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, “What exactly is that?”

The programmer replied, “They don’t have their ducks in a row.”






A general practitioner, an internist, and a surgeon go duck hunting. A duck flies overhead, and the GP says, “Gee, kinda looks like a duck,” and shoots it. Another duck flies overhead, and the internist sights it. “Rule out pheasant, rule out goose, must be duck” he says, and shoots it. A third bird flies overhead. The surgeon raises his gun. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Then he looks at the others. “What was that?” he asks.

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Fun Facts About Jokes & Humour

September 21st 2011 03:17
According to research, jokes containing 103 words are the funniest.

duck jokes
Many jokes contain reference to animals. Research shows jokes mentioning ducks are funnier than others. Perhaps it’s because of their beaks, or webbed feet, or odd shape. Regardless, the implication is clear – if you are going to tell a joke involving an animal, make it a duck.

One of the most important parts of the body’s defences against disease and illness is its ‘immune system’. Experiments suggest that people who laugh more, and are able to look on the funny side of life, have healthier immune systems than others.

A good laugh also increases our heart rate, helps us breathe more deeply, and stretches many different muscles in our face and upper body. In fact, it is like a mini work-out – a quick visit to the giggle gym.

One researcher estimated that a good laugh produces an increase in heart rate that is equivalent to ten minutes on a rowing machine or fifteen minutes on an exercise bike .

Philosophers and scientists have been fascinated by humour for over 2000 years. The famous philosopher Aristotle (384–322 BC) wrote a great deal about the topic. Unfortunately, we only have indirect references to his ideas because his actual treatise on laughter has been lost in the mists of time. Interestingly, it is this ‘lost volume’ of humour that lays at the centre of the well known book and film ‘The Name of the Rose’.

Scientific research has shown that 35% of people have been tickled in the past week, 86% in the past year , 40% of people have tickled someone else in the past week, and 84% in the past year.
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Ashes Jokes

September 19th 2011 03:02
jokes about ashes cricket


Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Ricky Ponting: ''You lads can bat


[ Click here to read more ]
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Feng Shui: Lotus Touts

September 16th 2011 02:42
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Bless Me Father, For I Have Sinned

September 14th 2011 02:38
Bless me father for I have sinned
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl’.

The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joe Pagano


[ Click here to read more ]
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Knowledge Test

September 12th 2011 02:34
There are only nine questions.

This is a quiz for people who know everything!

[ Click here to read more ]
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The Largest Bull

September 9th 2011 02:54
Three bulls, one large, one medium, and one small, were standing in the pasture and had just heard a rumour that the farmer had just bought a new, larger bull.

The largest of the three said,” Well, he ain't getting none of my cows


[ Click here to read more ]
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Bad Sermons

September 7th 2011 02:46
bad sermon joke
The elderly pastor was cleaning up his office one Friday morning.
In the back of the office, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills.
He showed his secretary the box to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for the last 25 years


[ Click here to read more ]
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Ring Bearer

September 5th 2011 02:40
ring bearer joke
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side).

While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, “ROAR,” step, step, “ROAR,” all the way down the aisle


[ Click here to read more ]
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Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns

September 2nd 2011 02:56
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