50th Birthday Jokes
April 27th 2007 10:40
The positive side of being an oldie:
• You’ll save a fortune on shampoo.
• You will look distinguished with your receding hairline, double chin and wrinkles.
• You have survived the humiliation of middle age.
• You’ll no longer have to suffer the disappointment of thwarted ambitions – you no longer have any.
• You can finally sell those dreadful diet and exercise books that have sat unopened on the bookshelf for years.
• You’ll be the champ at history questions in the pub quiz.
• You can embarrass your family by entering glamorous granny or good-looking grandfather competitions.
• You don’t need to make an effort anymore – people will expect you to be frumpy, boring and cantankerous.
• Your failing memory allows you to convince yourself that you’re a super sex machine.
• You’ll be able to talk incessantly about the good old days.
• Your failing eyesight saves you the anguish of seeing your disintegrating body.
Helpful Tips for the over 50s:
• Never attempt bending down, except under strict medical supervision.
• Use your ailing health to blackmail your children into doing all your gardening and housework.
• Avoid the company of young people they are a sad reminder of your long lost youth.
• Keep a diary – it will be a great source of comfort and a handy reminder of what you did yesterday.
• Cultivate friendships with people much older than yourself. This will make you feel so much younger.
• Finding your false teeth can be difficult when you mislay your spectacles. Always keep these vital items attached to you by pieces of string.
• No one will ever notice your frightful wrinkles if you only go out when it’s dark.
• Modern science enables even fifty year olds to have the youthful looks of a teenager – a simple head transplant is all it takes.
• Should you ever get the urge to go ‘all night clubing’ apply the simple rule – forget it!!
• Buy a computer, digital camera and a MP3 player. Although you’re incapable of understanding how to use them at least you’ll appear trendy.
• Take the strain off your tired out memory by labelling all household objects – bed, fridge, television etc.
• Look twenty years younger in an instant – borrow a baby and train it to call you ‘mummy’.
• Save all hairs that come loose when you brush your hair – one day medical science may develop a means of replanting them.
• Borrow a pram – pushing it around looks better than clutching a zimmer.
• Try to enjoy your fifties as much as is possible – after all the horrendous sixties are looming.
• Remember – Don’t Drink and Zimmer.
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