June 22nd 2011 03:55
There are 11 kinds of actuaries, those who can count with binary numbers and those who cannot.
An actuary is someone who wanted to be an accountant, but didn't have the personality for it.
Actuarial bumper stickers:
a) Actuaries probably do it.
b) Actuaries do it with frequency and severity.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
Two actuaries are duck hunting. They see a duck in the air and they both shoot. The first actuary's shot is 20 feet wide to the left. The second actuary's shot is 20 feet wide to the right. The actuaries give each other high fives, because on average they shot it.
A consulting actuary is a person who, when asked what time it is, tells you how to build a watch.
How many actuaries does it take to change a light bulb?
a)How many did it take last year?
b) How many do you want it to take?
c) None, after credibility weighting, we have indications that the bulb is still lit. d) None, the insurance department is not allowing any modifications to the bulb at this time.
e) Have any of our competitors changed bulbs yet?
f) None, they prefer to leave us in the dark.
g) Five: one to screw it in, and four more to estimate the length of its life before being screwed in.
h) The same number that it took last year, adjusted for trending.
j) One- But he/she has to do battle first with Sales and Marketing over the issue.
k) One- But first, it takes ten years to pass the exams.
An engineer, an architect and an actuary are stranded on a desert island with only one can of baked beans and no can opener. The engineer suggests lighting a fire to heat up the can so that the contents will expand and force the can to open. The architect says the contents would scatter all over the place, so he suggests building a structure around the fire to catch the contents. The actuary says, "Assume a can opener ... "
A psychologist was studying the problem-solving abilities of engineers and actuaries. During a joint interview with one engineer and one actuary, the engineer was asked "If there was a fire in the wastebasket and a bucket of water on my desk, what would you do?" The engineer responded that he would put out the fire with the bucket of water. Then the actuary was asked "If there was a fire in the wastebasket and a bucket of water on the window sill, what would you do?" The actuary's studied reply was "I would move the bucket to the desk, thus reducing the problem to the previously solved one."
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