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The Co-Pilot

April 22nd 2011 02:08
control tower co-pilot
This story allegedly happened late one night during bad weather. As heard over the tower radio:

Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over >such-and-such< beacon".

Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000 over that beacon!"


(brief pause, then first voice again): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot."
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Airplane Bomb Prank

September 7th 2009 02:29
What to do on an airplane when you find yourself seated next to a real jerk:

airplane flight prank


1. Take out your laptop.
2. Slowly open your laptop.
3. Turn it on.
4. Make certain your neighbour is watching.
5. Open your internet browser.

6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open them and then look up to the sky, or the heavens if you will.
7. Breathe deeply and open the site (http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html)
8. Look at the expression on your neighbourís face.



PS. This post is a joke. Do not actually do this on a flight. You will end up in massive trouble!

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Are You Gay?

August 13th 2008 02:27
This is an old article from the New York Times regarding an incident on the now defunct Ansett Airlines.

Ansett airlines. Are you Gay?


Don't Fly Me

It has been reported that an employee for Ansett Australia (Airlines), who happened to have the last name of Gay, got on a plane recently using the company's 'Free Flight' offer for staff. However, when Mr Gay tried to take his seat, he found it being occupied by a fare paying passenger.
So, not to make a fuss, he simply chose another seat. Unknown to Mr Gay, another Ansett flight at the airport experienced mechanical problems. The passengers of this flight were being re-routed to various other airplanes. A few were put on My Gar's flight and anyone who was holding a "free" ticket was being "bumped". Ansett officials, armed with a list of these "freebee" ticket holders boarded the plane, as is the practice, to remove them in favour of fare paying passengers. Of course, our Mr Gay was not sitting in his assigned seat as you may remember. So when the Ticket Agent approached the seat where Mr Gay was supposed to be sitting, she asked a startled customer: "Are you gay?". The man, shyly nodded that he was, at which point she demanded: "Then you have to get off the plane." Mr Gay, overhearing what the Agent had said, tried to clear up the situation" You've got the wrong man. I'm Gay!" This caused an angry third passenger t yell "Hell! I'm gay too! They can't kick us all off!" Confusion reined as more and more passengers began yelling that Ansett had no right to remove gays from their flights.
It is reported that Ansett have refused to comment on the incident.
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Airline Cabin Announcements

February 29th 2008 12:19

Funny Airline Cabin Announcements
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the captain speaking. Firstly I'd like to thank you for flying Mandarin Airlines. As we taxi out to the runway please make yourself comfortable... and for those sitting on the right side of the plane, please look to you LEFT!



All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:


1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. But please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD! Silence followed, and, after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine.
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The Photographer and the Pilot.

November 8th 2006 23:30
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great bush fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his office to hire a plane.
bush forrest fire plane

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Letís go! Letís go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because Iím going to take pictures! Iím a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean youíre not the instructor?"


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Nymphomaniacs Convention

July 4th 2006 00:00
A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realises she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him.
Nymphomaniacs Convention
Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside him. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So, where are you flying to today?"
She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniacs Convention in Chicago."

[ Click here to read more ]
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Dealing With a Rude Customer

May 16th 2006 01:12
A lesson to all employees who work with rude customers!!!

Indeed, an award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being customer focused, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

[ Click here to read more ]
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Pilot Gripe Sheet

April 20th 2006 02:06
Qantas 747
747
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of Humour !!!

[ Click here to read more ]
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