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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Duck Jokes

September 23rd 2011 03:23
Duck Warning Sign
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence to collect the bird, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.


The lawyer replied, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field. Now I’m going in to retrieve it.”

The old farmer looked the lawyer in the eyes and stated firmly, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The lawyer huffed angrily, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country. If you don’t let me get my duck, I’ll sue you.”

The old farmer smiled. “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tennessee Three Kick Rule.”

The lawyer asked, “What’s the Tennessee Three Kick Rule?”

The Farmer answered, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

The attorney thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick to the shin had the lawyer hopping around on one foot when suddenly the farmer planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to pass out.


The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot, now it’s my turn.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.





In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor. One co-worker said the programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a “severe nonlinear waterfowl issue.” Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, “What exactly is that?”

The programmer replied, “They don’t have their ducks in a row.”






A general practitioner, an internist, and a surgeon go duck hunting. A duck flies overhead, and the GP says, “Gee, kinda looks like a duck,” and shoots it. Another duck flies overhead, and the internist sights it. “Rule out pheasant, rule out goose, must be duck” he says, and shoots it. A third bird flies overhead. The surgeon raises his gun. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Then he looks at the others. “What was that?” he asks.

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The Largest Bull

September 9th 2011 02:54
Three bulls, one large, one medium, and one small, were standing in the pasture and had just heard a rumour that the farmer had just bought a new, larger bull.

The largest of the three said,” Well, he ain't getting none of my cows."
The medium bull said,” He ain't getting none of my cows."
The little bull said,” Well, if he ain't getting any of yours, them he sure as hell ain't getting one of mine."

Two days later, a semi pulls into the yard, and they unload the new bull. He's big and pissed from having been cooped up for the long journey.
When the three bulls see him, the biggest bull says,” He can have my cows," the medium bull says,” He can have mine, too."

The littlest bull, however, begins to paw the ground, snort and bellow, and basically carry on."What's with you?" the other two asked."I'm just showing him I ain't a cow!"



The Biggest Bull
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Porcupines

July 27th 2011 06:38
It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold...

porcupines huddle together


The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together. They were covered and protected, but the quills of each wounded the closest companion. After a while, they decided to distance themselves, and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.
Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds that were caused by their close relationships because the most important part was the heat that came from the others. They were able to survive.


The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but the one that forms when individuals learn to live with the imperfections and admire the good qualities of others.
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To All Non Pet Owners

June 29th 2011 03:14
The following note was seen on a front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.






Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
cats dogs pets vs kids children


(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and

(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ......
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Dear Dogs and Cats

June 27th 2011 03:09
The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.
dear dogs and cats

Dear Dogs and Cats:



The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
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Why Dogs Are Better Than Men

June 10th 2011 04:06
50 reasons for a girl to choose a dog... and not a man

choose a dog, not a man

[ Click here to read more ]
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How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change a Light Bulb?
The answers vary for different breeds.....


[ Click here to read more ]
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A Cat's Guide To Human Beings

February 28th 2011 05:45
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Are Zebras Black or White?

February 11th 2011 03:18
Two zebras pondering


[ Click here to read more ]
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Riding a Donkey Into Town

December 15th 2010 02:40
riding a donkey joke
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They decided they both would walk


[ Click here to read more ]
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Why Vets Can Be So Expensive

November 24th 2010 02:35
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

cat scan. lab test
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too


[ Click here to read more ]
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Storks Delivering Babies

June 11th 2010 02:41
stork baby
Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. Baby stork is crying and crying, and father stork is trying to calm him, "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, son is crying, and mother is saying, "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies


[ Click here to read more ]
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Dog's Telegram

May 7th 2010 04:10
dog telegram joke


An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof


[ Click here to read more ]
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Penguins

March 26th 2010 02:57
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