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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

How Much to Call God?

November 1st 2010 02:47
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.


Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, mate - it's a local call".






Australia heaven jokes


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Texan in Australia

October 29th 2010 03:24
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?

kangaroo jokes
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
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Australian, British, American and Canadian Flags


Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that is the government's job.


Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.


Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.


Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.


Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.


Brits: Have produced many great comedians, celebrated by Canadians, ignored by Americans, and therefore not rich.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians such as John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!


Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.


Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.


Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, in either language, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.


Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.
Aussies: Waffle on about how some of their past citizens were once Outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.
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New Zealand Rugby Tickets

June 25th 2010 03:28
Humour From Across The Ditch


New Zealand Jokes



Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well,



So he decided to see a doctor.



"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.


"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"



The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
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The Aussie Male

April 2nd 2010 23:21
An Australian male at his best!




For the 1st time in their 3 year marriage, a wife asked her husband if he would mind making the next day's lunches for them both.
Obligingly he agrees.

The next morning, the young wife asks her loving husband,
'Did you make our lunches, honey?'

He replied, 'Yeah babe, they're on the second shelf of the fridge.
Mine's on the left, yours is on the right.'
Have a look at the photo…









Down Arrow















Lunch Money Fridge





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DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN
AUSTRALIA .

[ Click here to read more ]
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Which Beer?

November 2nd 2009 12:10
It is well known that humor is regional, but this is the first joke that I can say is truly Victorian:

Carlton Draught. Beer Joke

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Australian Bush Etiquette

September 14th 2009 02:25
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God bless Australia!

February 9th 2009 09:36
WE ARE ONE!

We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker.

[ Click here to read more ]
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Only A True Aussie Knows

December 22nd 2008 01:16
You know you're Australian if . . . .

You know you're australian if

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The Australian Approach

April 21st 2008 02:15
The Australian Approach
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience


[ Click here to read more ]
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You Know Your an Australian If...

March 19th 2008 01:28
1. You know the meaning of the word "girt".

2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn


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Melbourne Barbie Doll Range

January 25th 2008 01:20
Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Melbourne market:


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Australian Jokes

January 9th 2008 14:05

Australian Jokes
Only in Australia!


[ Click here to read more ]
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