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Australia and New Zealand - Jokes

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The Australian Approach

April 21st 2008 02:15

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo."

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Aussie said "One!"

The manager groaned and continued, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"£ 124,237.64"

The manager choked and exclaimed 124,237.64 POUNDS!!

What the hell did you sell him?"

Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said.........

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing."

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Australia and New Zealand

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You Know Your an Australian If...

March 19th 2008 01:28

1. You know the meaning of the word "girt".

2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

3. You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.

4. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.

5. When you hear that an American "roots for his team" you wonder how often and with whom.

6. You understand that the phrase "a group of women wearing black thongs" refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

7. You can translate: "Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas."

8. You think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

9. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.

10. You understand that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga" but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Australia and New Zealand

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Melbourne Barbie Doll Range

January 25th 2008 01:20

Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Melbourne market:

"South Yarra Barbie"
This princess Barbie is sold only in Toorak Road. She comes with an assortment of Prada Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a designer kitchen. Available with or without tummy tuck and face-lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

"Balwyn Barbie"
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

"Footscray Barbie"
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ...unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

"Armadale Barbie"
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2.. Included are her own cappuccino cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Melbourne market: Armadale

"Altona Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a V8 Supercar t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Carlton Draught and a Jimmy Barnes CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

"South Melbourne Barbie"
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as warehouse conversion condo.

"Frankston Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Butler Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

"Brunswick Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Point Breeze Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

Melbourne Barbie Dolls - Brunswick. Lesbian

"Collingwood Barbie"
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

"Portsea Barbie"
She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is because he's always out playing golf or fishing.

Melbourne Barbie Dolls - Portsea perfect in every way

"St Kilda Barbie/Ken"
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on body parts.

Melbourne Barbie Dolls - St Kilda Barbie Ken Doll

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Australia and New Zealand

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Australian Jokes

January 9th 2008 14:05

Only in Australia!

Australians NEVER die...
they just stay down under!

An American, an Englishman, and an Australian were sitting in a bar enjoying a few beers. The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Englishman and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Englishman drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the Australian. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he said that in England we have so many Australians we never have to drink with the same ones twice.

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove 50% of your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".
The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've removed 80%". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right"
New Zealander: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?"
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
New Zealander: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
New Zealander: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
New Zealander: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar"

What do Superman and South Australia have in common?
They both have an Iron Knob.

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Australia and New Zealand

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Western Australia

December 7th 2007 01:35

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven , God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting.

He enquired of God, ' where have you been? '

God pointed downwards through the clouds.
'Look Michael, look what I've made,' said God.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, ' what is it ? '

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'

'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the earth, 'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot.'

'Over there I've placed a continent of white people and here I've placed a continent of black people.' God continued pointing to different countries. 'This one will be extremely hot and arid and this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'

The archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to another area land and asked,' what's that?'

'Ah', said God. 'That's Western Australia , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, impressive towns; it is the home of the worlds finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and sportsman. The people from Western Australia are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world.
They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.'

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, 'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'

God replied very wisely, ' Wait till you see the wankers I'm putting on the East Coast'

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Australia and New Zealand

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Australian Tourism Help & Advice

December 5th 2007 01:26

These questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.

_____________________________ _____________________

[ Click here to read more ]

118

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Australia and New Zealand

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2007 Australian Citizenship Test

October 1st 2007 02:10

1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term "died in the arse

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Kiwi Immigrating to Australia

June 20th 2007 11:06

A KIWI is hoping to immigrate to Australia, and arrives at Kingsford Smith Airport on a sunny Wednesday morning full of optimism for the future.

Still, things do not go quite as planned

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Australia and New Zealand

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Breakfast in Paris

May 2nd 2007 12:54

An Australian is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.
The Australian ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Australia and New Zealand

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How to be a True Australian

April 9th 2007 09:15

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Iceberg For Sale

January 9th 2007 03:19

The following was taken from the New Zealand auction site Trademe.co.nz. Those crazy Kiwis!!

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A Tasmanian, a Queenslander and a New South Welshman

August 25th 2006 03:20

Three guys - a Tasmanian, a Queenslander and a New South Welshman - are out walking along the beach together one day.

They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total", says the genie

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Application for Australian Citizenship

August 3rd 2006 02:02

Australian Government Department of Immigration and Multicultural and Indigenous Affairs.

Application for Grant of Australian Citizenship.
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Posted By: Ian - Category: Australia and New Zealand

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