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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Australian, British, American and Canadian Flags


Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that is the government's job.


Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.


Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.


Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.


Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.


Brits: Have produced many great comedians, celebrated by Canadians, ignored by Americans, and therefore not rich.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians such as John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!


Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.


Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.


Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, in either language, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.


Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.
Aussies: Waffle on about how some of their past citizens were once Outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.
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New Zealand Rugby Tickets

June 25th 2010 03:28
Humour From Across The Ditch


New Zealand Jokes



Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well,



So he decided to see a doctor.



"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.


"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"



The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
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The Aussie Male

April 2nd 2010 23:21
An Australian male at his best!




For the 1st time in their 3 year marriage, a wife asked her husband if he would mind making the next day's lunches for them both.
Obligingly he agrees.

The next morning, the young wife asks her loving husband,
'Did you make our lunches, honey?'

He replied, 'Yeah babe, they're on the second shelf of the fridge.
Mine's on the left, yours is on the right.'
Have a look at the photo…









Down Arrow















Lunch Money Fridge





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DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN
AUSTRALIA .


western australian sun


August 31 - Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.



September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.



September 30th - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today.
Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.



October 10th - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though.
Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than I expected.



October 15th - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body Missed three days of work.

What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.



October 20th - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car beforeI left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit.
I've earned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.



October 25 - This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant f**kn' blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from f**kn' Perth
....



October 30th - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the f**kn' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now.
Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?



November 4 - Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.



November 8 - If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to f**kn' throttle him. F**kn' heat! By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking f**kn' wet and Ismell like baked cat!



November 9 - Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my f**kn' arse was on fire.
I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my f**kn' arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!



November 10 - Weather report! It might as well be a f**kn' recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and f**kn' sunny! It's been too hot to do anything for two f**kn' months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.



November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn f**kn' place? Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the f**kn' pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the f**kn' flies You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the f**kers!



November 20th - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 f**kin' degrees today. Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?'

I had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid f**ker F**kin' Karratha! What kind of sick, demented f**kin' idiot would want to live here!



December 1 -



WHAT!!!!



The first day of Summer!!!!



You've got to be f**kin' kidding!
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Which Beer?

November 2nd 2009 12:10
It is well known that humor is regional, but this is the first joke that I can say is truly Victorian:

Carlton Draught. Beer Joke


At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and West End (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.

When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."

The head of XXXX smiled and said, "Make mine a XXXX Gold."

To which the boss of West End rejoined, "I'll have a West End, the King of Beers."

And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."

The General Manager of Carlton & United paused a moment and then placed his order: "I'll have a Diet Coke."

The others looked at him has if he had sprouted a new head.

"Well,” he said with a shrug, “if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."




If you laughed, you are such a bogan!
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Australian Bush Etiquette

September 14th 2009 02:25
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God bless Australia!

February 9th 2009 09:36
WE ARE ONE!

We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker.

[ Click here to read more ]
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Only A True Aussie Knows

December 22nd 2008 01:16
You know you're Australian if . . . .

You know you're australian if

[ Click here to read more ]
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The Australian Approach

April 21st 2008 02:15
The Australian Approach
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience


[ Click here to read more ]
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You Know Your an Australian If...

March 19th 2008 01:28
1. You know the meaning of the word "girt".

2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn


[ Click here to read more ]
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Melbourne Barbie Doll Range

January 25th 2008 01:20
Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Melbourne market:


[ Click here to read more ]
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Australian Jokes

January 9th 2008 14:05

Australian Jokes
Only in Australia!


[ Click here to read more ]
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Western Australia

December 7th 2007 01:35
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven , God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting


[ Click here to read more ]
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Australian Tourism Help & Advice

December 5th 2007 01:26
Australian Tourism Help & Advice funny website answers
These questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.

_____________________________ _____________________


[ Click here to read more ]
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