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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Western Australia

December 7th 2007 01:35
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven , God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting.

He enquired of God, ' where have you been? '

God pointed downwards through the clouds.
'Look Michael, look what I've made,' said God.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, ' what is it ? '

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'

'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the earth, 'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot.'

'Over there I've placed a continent of white people and here I've placed a continent of black people.' God continued pointing to different countries. 'This one will be extremely hot and arid and this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'

The archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to another area land and asked,' what's that?'

West Australian joke
'Ah', said God. 'That's Western Australia , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, impressive towns; it is the home of the worlds finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and sportsman. The people from Western Australia are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world.

They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.'

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, 'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'

God replied very wisely, ' Wait till you see the wankers I'm putting on the East Coast'

Australian Tourism Help & Advice

December 5th 2007 01:26
Australian Tourism Help & Advice funny website answers
These questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.

_____________________________ _____________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

_____________________________ _____________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

_____________________________ _____________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

_____________________________ _____________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

_____________________________ _____________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

_____________________________ _____________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

_____________________________ ____________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

_____________________________ _____________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

_____________________________ _____________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

_____________________________ _____________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal .

_____________________________ _____________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

_____________________________ _____________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

_____________________________ _____________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

_____________________________ _____________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

_____________________________ _____________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

_____________________________ _____________________

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

_____________________________ _____________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

2007 Australian Citizenship Test

October 1st 2007 02:10
2007 Australian Citizenship test

1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term "died in the arse"?
_____________________________ ______

2. What is a bloody little beauty?
_____________________________ ______

3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?
_____________________________ ______

4. Explain the following passage:
"In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."
_____________________________ _____

5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?

6. Complete the following sentences:
a) "If the van's rockin' don't bother .......
b) You're going home in the back of a .........
c) Fair crack of the...........
_____________________________ ____

7. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss
_____________________________ _____

8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?
_____________________________ _____

9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?
_____________________________ _____

10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?
_____________________________ _____

11. What are the ingredients in a rissole?
_____________________________ _____

12. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.
_____________________________ _____

13. Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke?
_____________________________ _____

14. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice?
_____________________________ _____
15. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?
_____________________________ _____

16. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?
_____________________________ _____

17. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?
_____________________________ ____

18. Is it possible to "prang a car" while doing "circle work"?
_____________________________ _____

19. Who would you like to crack on to?
_____________________________ _____

20. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?
_____________________________ _____

21. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?
_____________________________ ____

22. What does sinkin piss at a mate’s joint and gettin paralised mean?
_____________________________ ____

You may copy your mate’s answers, please submit this back to me when you have had a fair old crack.

The pass rate is 45%


Kiwi Immigrating to Australia

June 20th 2007 11:06
A KIWI is hoping to immigrate to Australia, and arrives at Kingsford Smith Airport on a sunny Wednesday morning full of optimism for the future.

Still, things do not go quite as planned ...

"What is your business in Australia?" the customs officer asks him politely.
" I wish to immigrate," the Kiwi replies.

"Do you have a criminal record?" the officer inquires.

Stunned, the crestfallen Kiwi replies: "Geez, bro, I didn't think you still needed one".

New Zealand Australia immigration joke

Breakfast in Paris

May 2nd 2007 12:54
An Australian is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.
The Australian ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You Australian folk eat the whole bread??"

Australian (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia."
The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Australian listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"

Australian: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to Australia."

After a moment of silence, The Australian then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

Australian "And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

Australian: "We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."

france map jokes


How to be a True Australian

April 9th 2007 09:15

Iceberg For Sale

January 9th 2007 03:19
The following was taken from the New Zealand auction site Those crazy Kiwis!!

[ Click here to read more ]

Three guys - a Tasmanian, a Queenslander and a New South Welshman - are out walking along the beach together one day.

They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total", says the genie

[ Click here to read more ]

Australian Government
Australian Government Department of Immigration and Multicultural and Indigenous Affairs.

Application for Grant of Australian Citizenship.

[ Click here to read more ]

You Know You Are In Sydney, when....

Your co-worker tells you they have 8 body piercings but none are visible.

[ Click here to read more ]

Being Australian

May 25th 2006 03:21
Crocodile Dundee
Crocodile Dundee (from Wikipedia)

At last, a yardstick by which you can measure an "Australian" For those of you who haven't met an Australian and are not sure what one is REALLY like!

[ Click here to read more ]

These questions about New Zealand were posted on an independent New Zealand Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.

Q: Does it ever get windy in New Zealand? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)

[ Click here to read more ]

How to Speak New Zealander

April 18th 2006 03:51
How to speak New Zealander, for bist effict, rid these out aloud.

Milburn - capital of Victoria.

[ Click here to read more ]

1. Any Man who brings a camera to a buck's night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

[ Click here to read more ]

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