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Australian Jokes

January 9th 2008 14:05

Australian Jokes
Only in Australia!

Australians NEVER die...
they just stay down under!

An American, an Englishman, and an Australian were sitting in a bar enjoying a few beers. The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Englishman and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Englishman drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the Australian. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he said that in England we have so many Australians we never have to drink with the same ones twice.

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove 50% of your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".
The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've removed 80%". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right"
New Zealander: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?"
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
New Zealander: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
New Zealander: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
New Zealander: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar"

What do Superman and South Australia have in common?
They both have an Iron Knob.

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4 Comments. [ Add A Comment ]

Comment by DannyBailey

January 31st 2008 10:33
A pregnant woman got shot 3 times
15 years later the 1st of the triplets went to his mom and said
"mom i was having a pee and a bullet came out!"
"the doctor said that would happen"she replied
the 2nd son went to his mom and said
"mom... i was having a pee and a bullet came out"
"the doctor said that would happen"she replied
the 3rd son came and said
"mom... i was having a wank and i shot the dog!"

Comment by Anonymous

February 1st 2008 09:04
There where 2 preist in a shower they both forgot there bar of soap so 1 of them ran to go get the bar of soap. on the way back there where 3 nuns but cause there not allowed to see people naked so the priest stood on a chair. on the way passed 1 of the nuns knocked his nob and he drop a bar of soap so she sed woow a soap dispenser so the other nun had a go and drop a bar of soap she sed wow ur right so the other 1 had a go but it wasnt workin so she sed no its not its had wash

Comment by Jordan 2K8

February 1st 2008 09:15
What do u get when u cross a sheep with a kangroo?..................... ............................. .......................

A wooly jumper

Comment by ROB'94

February 16th 2008 20:28
Thousands of litres of piss is shipped out of England every year,it goes to australia and they call it fosters

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