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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth.
This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought, one man blurts out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"
The genie claps her hands and the entire sea turns into brew.
The other man looks disgustedly at the one who made the wish.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he says, "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Bar and Drinking

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Psychology Students

August 7th 2009 12:46

A shy guy goes into a bar, sees a beautiful woman, and says, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Completely embarrassed, he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a psych student studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"

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Got Any Tobacco?

June 15th 2009 07:51

There was a beer party going on in the woods when all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain. These two young guys ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old man's face appeared on the passenger side and tapped lightly on the window. The passenger screamed out, "eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?!?!?!?)"

This old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!"

So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want???"

The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!"

"Well offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.

So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells, "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "Dude! What do you think of that?"

The driver says, "Man, I don't know? How could that be? I'm going pretty fast?"

Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is the old man again. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaauggggg, there he is again!” the passenger yells."

"Well see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.

He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.

The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window then yells, "STEP ON IT!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden, again there is MORE knocking!

"Oh my God! HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in stark fear.

The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of this mud?"

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Bar and Drinking

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The Theory of Intelligence

March 23rd 2009 01:21

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

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Another 15 Uses for Vodka

February 27th 2008 12:13

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka.
The stuff dissolves adhesive.

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean.
The alcohol in the vodka kills mould and mildew.

3. To clean your eyeglasses,simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka.
The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving.
The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.

5. Spray vodka on wine stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.

6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo.
The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka and spray bees or wasps to kill them.

9 Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water into a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshing ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.

10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days.
Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.

11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

12. To cure foot odour, wash your feet with vodka.

13 Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.

15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

And silly me!
I've only been drinking the stuff.

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Bar and Drinking

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Drinking Water

August 24th 2007 09:31

This is a very important public health information warning and I know I will be correcting the situation immediately!!

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Bar and Drinking

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People and Their Drinks

August 20th 2007 09:16

A recent magazine survey, interviewed fifty bartenders and they were asked if they could identify a customer’s personality on what drinks they ordered? Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:

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Bar Jokes

June 1st 2007 12:25

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink, she says, "It's my birthday today, and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink; in fact, I'll take care of this one for you." As the women finishes her drink the woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink."
The old woman says, "All right. Bartender, I want a scotch and two drops of water

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Be Suspicious When Your Girlfriend Orders You a Drink

December 4th 2006 00:30

MATURE CONTENT

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Bar and Drinking

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A Man Walks Into a Bar...

October 20th 2006 03:19

An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?"

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything

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The Value of a Drink

October 13th 2006 02:57

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

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