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If Beer Had Health Warnings

August 19th 2011 05:59
It has been proposed that alcoholic beverages carry labels with the following health messages:
alcohol beer health warnings

It's been proposed that warning signs be placed on beer bottles to tip off drinkers about the likely effects:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.


WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember)

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable carpet burn on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.
16
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Broken Breathalyser

August 17th 2011 05:53
A routine police patrol is parked outside a local neighbourhood pub. Late in the evening the officers notice a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the carpark for a few minutes, with the officers quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
broken breathalyser designated decoy


Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officers, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over, and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To their amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, one of the officers said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "I'm the designated decoy, so I haven't touched a drop all night."
18
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The Golden Saloon

August 15th 2011 05:49
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden."

"Bullshit! There's no such place!"

Guy says, "Sure there is! It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"



golden saloon saxophone joke

26
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Trouble Shooting Alcohol

January 28th 2011 02:20
Drinking Fault Finder



alcohol drinking fault finder



Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.
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What Time Does the Bar Open

May 21st 2010 01:38
bar closed
At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

“It opens at noon” answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

“What time does the bar open?” he asks.

“Same time as before… Noon.” replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered “Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?”

The clerk then answers, “It opens at noon, but if you can’t wait, I can have room service send something up to you.”

“No… I don’t wanna git in… Ah wanna git OUT!!!”
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Adrift in a Lifeboat

August 19th 2009 09:02
Sea of beer. Lifeboat
Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth.
This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought, one man blurts out, "Make the entire ocean into beer


[ Click here to read more ]
37
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Psychology Students

August 7th 2009 12:46
A shy guy goes into a bar, sees a beautiful woman, and says, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight


[ Click here to read more ]
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Got Any Tobacco?

June 15th 2009 07:51
There was a beer party going on in the woods when all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain. These two young guys ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

Old man in car window
All of a sudden an old man's face appeared on the passenger side and tapped lightly on the window. The passenger screamed out, "eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost


[ Click here to read more ]
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The Theory of Intelligence

March 23rd 2009 01:21
Cheers. Norm, beer intelligence


'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
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Another 15 Uses for Vodka

February 27th 2008 12:13

extra uses for vodka
1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka.
The stuff dissolves adhesive


[ Click here to read more ]
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Drinking Water

August 24th 2007 09:31
water and wine
This is a very important public health information warning and I know I will be correcting the situation immediately!!


[ Click here to read more ]
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People and Their Drinks

August 20th 2007 09:16
A recent magazine survey, interviewed fifty bartenders and they were asked if they could identify a customer’s personality on what drinks they ordered? Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:

[ Click here to read more ]
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Bar Jokes

June 1st 2007 12:25
A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink, she says, "It's my birthday today, and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink; in fact, I'll take care of this one for you." As the women finishes her drink the woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink."
The old woman says, "All right. Bartender, I want a scotch and two drops of water


[ Click here to read more ]
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