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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Kanye West on Twitter

September 27th 2010 04:26
The best Kanye West tweets.



"Your album good @Justinbieber Playing it at my crib now"


"Fresh Mode is my dress code"


"I got the best leather pants collection since the 80's .... If I must"


"Sometimes I get emotional over fonts"


"There's so many ways to break down the subject of power ... me and Kobe went in on it... Perfect person to help out on that"

Kanye and Kobe




"Classical music is tight yo"


"I ordered the salmon medium instead of medium well I didn't want to ruin the magic"


"I don't own own a phone so no tweets in the club... lap tops are hard to dance with hahahahaaha"


"Dating models I had to learn to like small dogs and cigarettes"


"Don't you hate when girls send you a picture of ... anything other themselves!!!"


"Tell everyone at the label only use Gothic or Helvetic fonts for email blast unless I otherwise approve"


"all these tweets are sponsored by Grey Goose!!!!!!!!! Hahahahahaaaaaajfftujgcjcg"


"Fur pillows are hard to actually sleep on"


"I think Twitter was designed specifically with me in mind just my humble opinion hahhhahaaaahaaa humble hahahahhahaahaaaa"


"Being nice is the s--- ... working on being a doper person #ITSAPROCESS"
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Real Names of Famous People

August 20th 2010 03:23
Celebrity - Real Name

50 Cent - Curtis Jackson

Adam Ant - Stuart Leslie Goddard

Adam Faith - Terence Nelhams

Alice Cooper - Vincent Damon Furnier

Anna Nicole Smith - Vickie Lynn Hogan

Axl Rose - William Bailey

Barbara Windsor - Barbara-Ann Deeks

Barry Manilow - Barry Alan Pinkus

Benny Hill - Alfred Hawthorne Hill

Bez - Mark Berry

Big Daddy - Shirley Crabtree

Bill Wyman - William Perks

Billy Idol - William Broad

Billy Ocean - Leslie Sabastian Charles


Bing Crosby - Harry Lillis Crosby

Bob Dylan - Robert Allen Zimmerman

Bono - Paul Hewson

Boy George - George O Dowd

Brigette Bardot - Camille Javal

Buddy Holly - Charles Hardin Holley

Carmen Electra - Tara Patrick

Charlie Sheen - Carlos Irwin Estevez

Charlton Heston - John Charles Carter

Cher - Cherilyn Sarkisian LaPiere

Cheryl Baker - Rita Crudgington

Chris De Burgh - Christopher Davidson

Cilla Black - Priscilla White

Cliff Richard - Harry Webb

Crystal Gayle Brenda Gail Webb

David Bowie - David Robert Jones

David Copperfield - David Kotkin

David Essex - David Albert Cook

David Jason - David John White

David Tennant - David McDonald

David Walliams David Williams

Demi Moore - Demetria Gene Guynes

Diana Ross - Diane Earle

Dido - Florian Cloud de Bounevialle Armstrong

DJ Jazzy Jeff - Jeffrey Townes

Elle Macpherson - Eleanor Gow

Elton John - Reginald Dwight

Elvis Costello - Declan Mcmanus

Eminem - Marshall Bruce Mathers III

Englebert Humperdinck - Arnold George Dorsey
(Gerry Dorsey was an earlier stage name)

Eric Clapton - Eric Clapp

Frank Skinner - Chris Collins

Freddie Mercury - Farrokh Bulsara

Freddie Starr - Freddie Powell

Gary Glitter - Paul Gadd

Gary Numan - Gary Webb

Gene Wilder - Jerome Silberman

George Michael - Georgios Panaylotou

George Orwell - Eric Blair

Gloria Estefan - Gloria Fajardo

Goldie - Clifford Price

Harry Houdini - Erich Weiss

Hulk Hogan - Terry Bollea

Janet Street Porter - Janet Bull

Jennifer Aniston - Jennifer Anastassakis

Joe Strummer John Graham Mellor

John Cleese - John Cheese

John Wayne - Marion Morrison

Jordan - Katie Price

Kenny Everett - Maurice Cole

Lulu - Marie Lawrie

Madonna - Madonna Louise Ciccone

Marilyn Manson - Brian Warner

Marilyn Monroe - Norma Baker

Meatloaf - Marvin Aday

Meg Ryan - Margaret Hyra

Mel Gibson - Columcille Gibson

Michael Barrymore - Michael Parker

Michael Caine - Maurice Micklewhite

Michael Crawford - Michael Dumble-Smith

Moby - Richard Melville Hall

Mos Def Dante Terrell Smith

Natalie Portman - Natalie Hershlag

Neil Diamond - Noah Kaminsky

Nicolas Cage - Nicolas Coppola

Nina Ricci - Maria Nielli

Nina Simone - Eunice Wayman

Omar Sharif - Michael Shalhoub

Ozzy Osbourne - John Osbourne

Paul McCartney - James Paul McCartney

Pink - Alecia Moore

Prince - Prince Nelson

Ralph Lauren - Ralph Lipschitz

Ricky Martin - Enrique Morales

Ringo Starr - Richard Starkey


Robert Palmer - Alan Batley

Russ Abbot - Russell Roberts

Seal - Sealhenry Samuel

Shakin Stevens - Michael Barratt

Snoop Doggy Dogg - Calvin Broadus

Spike Milligan - Terence Alan Milligan

Stevie Wonder - born Steveland Judkins
changed to Steveland Morris

Stewart Granger - James Lablanche Stewart

Sting - Gordon Sumner

Suggs - Graham Mc Pherson

The Edge - David Evans

Tiger Woods - Eldrick Woods

Tina Turner - Anna Bullock

Tom Cruise - Thomas Cruise Mapother IV

Twiggy - Lesley Hornby

Vanilla Ice - Robert Van Winkle

Vic Reeves - Jim Moir

Vin Diesel - Mark Vincent

Whoopi Goldberg - Caryn Johnson

Woody Allen - Allen Konigsberg
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American Idol Jokes

November 7th 2008 01:35
Top Ten Signs You Won't Win "American Idol"
(From the Late Show with David Letterman)


10. You dedicate "I Will Always Love You" to Saddam Hussein

9. Backstage, people say, "Are you still here?"

8. North Korea says if you lose they'll stop producing enriched uranium

7. Your mother says, "You're okay, but I'm really a big fan of Ruben"

6. You were recently named the three of clubs on the "Most Wanted Iraqi" playing cards

5. You've already appeared on another reality show -- "Cops"

4. Vegas gives you the same odds of winning it all as the Mets

3. You cancel your performance to stay home and watch "Jag"

2. Simon beats you with the microphone stand

1. Your voice is muffled by the SARS mask



American Idol Jokes





Top Ten Things I Can Say Now That I Lost "American Idol"

10. "If I had won, I was gonna blow the prize money on candy and fireworks"

9. "Honestly, I thought I was auditioning for 'The Apprentice'"

8. "Ryan Seacrest isn't as smart as he seems on TV"

7. "If you want to see me 'perform,' I'll be working the noon-to-8 shift at Old Navy tomorrow"

6. "George W. Bush didn't win the popular vote either, and he's done pretty well for himself"

5. "Underneath that table, Randy Jackson doesn't wear pants"

4. "Until 10 minutes ago, I had no idea who Dave Letterman was"

3. "I could take down Clay Aiken with one arm in a sling"

2. "I handled my loss well -- I gathered my belongings, said my goodbyes and keyed the crap out of Simon's car"

1. "I have one thing to say to the voters: What in the hell is wrong with you people?"


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Leasing Versus Purchasing

July 14th 2008 02:15
Ahh so thatís where we all go wrong!!!
The maths on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is as follows:

After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he got sex every night during their 5 year relationship (which would NOT have happened!) it ended up costing him $26,849 per time.
This is Heather.
Heather Mills - Paul McCartney divorce



On the other hand, former New York Governor Elliot Spitzer's call girl, Kristen, an absolute stunner with a body like no other, charges $4,000 an hour. For anything!
This is Kristen.
Elliot Spitzer's call girl, Kristen


Had Paul McCartney 'employed' Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a saving of $41.7 million).

Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, plays all requests, ability to put BOTH legs around you (!!!), no bitching and complaining or 'to do' lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back when you ask her. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.

Sometimes renting makes far more sense.
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Jokes About Movies

June 4th 2008 02:47
movie jokes
The Devil tells a Hollywood Agent, "Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any agent alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest agent that ever lived."
"Well," says the agent, "what do I have to do in return?"
The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children's children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity."
"Wait a minute," the agent says cautiously, "What's the catch?"


Morty goes to the monitor and sees scenes of heaven where people are quietly floating on clouds and playing harps in serene bliss. Morty turns to Sid and says "Well that's nice. Pretty boring but nice. What's Hell like?"
Sid tells him to look at the other monitor. Morty does and sees scenes of young people having sex and dancing and smoking and drinking and laughing and singing and generally having a great time.
"This is great!" says Morty. "I think I'll try Hell." Sid directs him to the elevator and instructs him to push the down arrow. Morty does so and waits for the elevator to take him to hell.
When the car stops at hell the doors spring open. Morty looks around from the elevator doorway and is shocked at what he sees. Everywhere are people burning in agony, screaming in pain, drowning and suffering. There are laughing demons with pitchforks piercing their skin. Its horrible, disgusting. Morty presses the up button and goes right back to Sid."
"What is this!? Hell is nothing like you showed me on the monitor! It was awful down there!"
Sid says, "You mean that monitor?"
"Yes," says Morty.
"Oh, well, that was just the pilot."



A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find it unusual?"
"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual. He hated the book!"


A producer is lying by the pool at the Beverly Hilton. His partner arrives in a great state of excitement. "How'd the meeting go?" asks the first guy.
"It went great," says his buddy. "Tarentino will write and direct for six million, Mel Gibson will star for eight, and we can bring in the whole picture for under fifty million."
"Fabulous," says the guy by the pool.
"There's just one catch," his partner warns.
"What's the catch?"
"We have to put up ten thousand in cash," his partner replies.



A man finds his seat in the theater, but it's too far from the stage.
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him to the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks at the quarter and then leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."


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BBC & TV Double Entendres

March 28th 2008 01:42
BBC & TV Double Entendres

Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio.....

[ Click here to read more ]
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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

August 21st 2006 01:43
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
Why did the chicken cross the road?


[ Click here to read more ]
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Mary Poppins

August 17th 2006 03:21
Mary Poppins
Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam," he replied courteously


[ Click here to read more ]
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1) During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

2) When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other


[ Click here to read more ]
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Jack Bauer

July 6th 2006 01:49
50 Facts About Jack Bauer

1. Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.

[ Click here to read more ]
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