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Chuck Norris

May 26th 2006 05:16
Chuck Norris as Walker Texas Ranger (from Wikipedia)
Chuck Norris as Walker Texas Ranger (from Wikipedia)
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, then you may be only seconds away from death.


Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to roundhouse his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, but he swiftly declined, instead opting for super strength roundhouse ability.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly before unleashing a flurry of roundhouses.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When Norris lost in the game, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful that it can be seen from outer space with the naked eye.

Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.


Chuck Norris once burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your arse, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

One time while sparring with a bear, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed octopus of Eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's father.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach messages to kittens and roundhouse kick them.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.

WHY Chuck Norris is better than you

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his Dad did.

There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris at Tax Time (from Wikipedia)
Chuck Norris at Tax Time (from Wikipedia)
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.


* the above images of Chuck Norris are copyrighted but are used here under fair dealing (fair use). The images were taken from the Wikipedia page for Chuck Norris.
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Comments
2 Comments. [ Add A Comment ]

Comment by Anonymous

January 28th 2008 16:09
Chuck Norris once played russian roulete with a fully loaded revolver and won.

Comment by Anonymous

February 17th 2008 22:53
It is actually raining everywhere on earth all the time. Chuck Norris just roundhouse kicks every drop of rain that he doesn't wan't hitting the ground

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