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Computers and Internet - Jokes

Billy Connolly's Response to Chain Emails

July 16th 2008 02:33

Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe, if you send them on, a poor six-year-old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.

And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give $1000 to you, and everyone to whom you send 'his' email?

How stupid are we?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!

What a bunch of bullshit.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomise me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour.

Fuck 'em!!

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing.

I've seen all the 'send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being' forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.

The point being?

If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.

If it's funny, send it on.

Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

Billy Connolly

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Computers and Internet

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EBay

February 6th 2008 12:33

Public service announcement - This is a quick note to all would-be online auctioneers: Folks, if you're going to be selling something that people are going to be drinking fluids out of, please take the extra time to either put on some clothes before taking a picture, or concentrate on selling the non-reflective items in your kitchen. Thank you.

A father sold the hard-to-find video game "Guitar Hero III he bought for his son for $90 as a Christmas present at an online auction for a whopping $9,000 after he caught his 15-year-old teenage son smoking marijuana. The sale occurred after the father searched for the video game for the Nintendo WII game board. The father spent two weeks searching for the video game as a Christmas present for his boy.

Police are trying to track down the owner of 65,400 euros sent to a 16-year-old boy who bought a Playstation2 for $200 on eBay. The cash, which is worth roughly $88,000, arrived at the house in Norfolk, with the games console, but without the two games promised in the ad.

Golf balls swallowed by and extracted from a snake were placed for sale on eBay, with the highest bid totalling $1,401 Australian, or $1,253 US. The four balls which were taken from inside a carpet python at the Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary last week were posted for sale on the online auction, still unwashed. The winner will also receive X-rays and photographs of Augusta, the python, with the balls still inside, and after the balls were taken out by surgery.

Don't look in the mirror!

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Computers and Internet

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Computer Programmer on a Deserted Island

July 27th 2007 02:53

A computer programmer finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life....'til the boat sank. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies...Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

Computer Programmer on a Deserted Island

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gumtree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But-- but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware. The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place, " she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?" "No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines --strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know ... " She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean -- ?", he replies, "-- I can check my e-mail from here?"

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Computers and Internet

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Computer Games

July 23rd 2007 00:40

There's been a lot of talk about computer games having a subliminal effect on players, affecting their behaviour in real life.
Such talk is, of course, unfounded. The most popular computer game is Pacman. If Pacman had a subliminal effect on anyone they would be running around in darkened rooms, munching on pills and listening to repetitive music.

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Posted By: Michael Shillito - Category: Computers and Internet

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Technical Terminology

December 22nd 2006 02:25

Best use for a computer ever!

LOG ON :
Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.

LOG OFF:
Not adding any more wood to the barbie.

MONITOR:
Keeping an eye on the barbie.

DOWNLOAD:
Getting the firewood off the ute.

HARD DRIVE:
Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.

KEYBOARD:
Where you hang the ute keys.

WINDOW:
What you shut when the weather's cold.

SCREEN:
What you shut in the mozzie season.

BYTE:
What mozzies do.

MEGABYTE:
What Townsville mozzies do.

CHIP:
A bar snack.

MICROCHIP:
What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.

MODEM:
What you did to the lawns.

LAPTOP:
Where the cat sleeps.

SOFTWARE:
Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.

HARDWARE:
Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.

MOUSE:
The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.

MAINFRAME:
What holds the shed up.

WEB:
What spiders make.

WEBSITE:
Usually in the shed or under the verandah.

SEARCH ENGINE:
What you do when the ute won't go.

CURSOR:
What you say when the ute won't go.

YAHOO:
What you say when the ute does go.

UPGRADE:
A steep hill.

SERVER:
The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

MAIL SERVER:
The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

USER:
The neighbour who keep's borrowing things.

NETWORK:
What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.

INTERNET:
Where you want the fish to go.

NETSCAPE:
What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.

ONLINE:
Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE:
Where the washing end's up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Computers and Internet

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Unfortunate Website Names

November 27th 2006 23:00

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear ... and be misread.
These are not made up.
Check them out yourself

[ Click here to read more ]

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Computers and Internet

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Break Up Letter

September 25th 2006 02:53

Men often find "blowing off a chick" the most difficult part of the dating process. The closest they ever come to telling someone it's over is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week." But there is now a great way to blow a chick off. It's safe. It's affordable, and the best thing is the chick has no opportunity to throw things at you. And it's at your fingertips right now. What is this marvellous thing?

E-mail!! That's how all the happening, 21st century guys are telling chicks they're not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it. What could be more painless

[ Click here to read more ]

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Computers and Internet

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News Groups

August 28th 2006 02:47

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 1,331

[ Click here to read more ]

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Computers and Internet

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Why E-mail is Like a Male Reproductive Organ

August 9th 2006 03:19

The top 11 reasons why e-mail is like a male reproductive organ:

11. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Computers and Internet

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How NOT to Name a Web Site

May 29th 2006 02:13

How to register your company website name without really thinking it through properly...

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Computers and Internet

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Why Some People Shouldn't Use Computers

May 12th 2006 05:23

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
[ Click here to read more ]

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Computers and Internet

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