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Computers and Internet - Jokes

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Reset Your Mouse

February 6th 2009 01:49

MOUSE CALIBRATION

You should actually do this every year. Even more often is recommended by Kim Kommando (the computer guru) if you spend a lot of time on the computer.
I was shocked to see how well this works, and how far off mine was!

To re-calibrate your mouse, click and hold on the Y below, then drag the Y toward the g.
If it doesn't work immediately, you might want to clean your mouse, as the calibration is off.
_____________________________ ___________
You dumb ass. You'll believe anything
_____________________________ ___________
I'M SURE YOU WILL ALSO RECOMMEND THIS TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS ONCE YOU SEE HOW MUCH SMOOTHER AND BETTER THE MOUSE WORKS AFTER BEING CALIBRATED! AMAZING..

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Computers and Internet

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Funny Taglines

November 24th 2008 01:14

Life is a riddle; unfortunately the answer's not written on the back of anything.

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.

Sex is like air.....it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

I married Miss Right. I didn't know her first name was Always.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

My truck does not leak. It's just marking its territory!

Fact: 3 out of 5 people aren't the other 2.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across the fence.

Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.

It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

If you must burn our flag, please wrap yourself in it first.

Due to budget cuts the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

A rock ----> me <---- A hard place

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

funny taglines. The best thing about Alzheimer’s is you get to meet new people every day

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

If at first you don't succeed – maybe skydiving isn’t for you.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I think, therefore I am. I think.

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.

I wired my dryer backwards. Now it spits out extra socks.

I went to the Net and all I got was this stupid tagline.

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Computers and Internet

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What To Do When Your Internet Connection Breaks Down

October 22nd 2008 01:28

14 Things to Do When Your ISP Unexpectedly Goes Down

1. Dial 911 immediately.

2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.

3. You mean there's something else to do?

4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.

5. Work.

6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.

7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.

8. See if your eyes can still focus to distances further than 3 feet.

9. Get butt groove in chair fixed at store.

10. Tylenol... Tylenol! Where the hell is the Tylenol!

11. Do shopping with clothes on.

12. Check your mail box every 15 minutes.

13. See if your neighbour can tell you a joke.

14. Sleep (and dream about surfing the Internet)!

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Computers and Internet

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Have You Ever Been E-Mooned?

October 1st 2008 12:12

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
means a smile and
is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by

Well, how about some 'ARSE-ICONS?'

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular arse

(__!__) a fat arse

(!) a tight arse

(_*_) a sore arse

{_!_} a swishy arse

(_o_) an arse that's been around

(_x_) kiss my arse

(_X_) leave my arse alone

(_zzz_) a tired arse

(_E=mc2_) a smart arse

(_$_) Money coming out of his arse

(_?_) Dumb arse

You have just been e-mooned!

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Computers and Internet

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Billy Connolly's Response to Chain Emails

July 16th 2008 02:33

Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe, if you send them on, a poor six-year-old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.

And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give $1000 to you, and everyone to whom you send 'his' email?

How stupid are we?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!

What a bunch of bullshit.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomise me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour.

Fuck 'em!!

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing.

I've seen all the 'send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being' forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.

The point being?

If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.

If it's funny, send it on.

Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

Billy Connolly

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Computers and Internet

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EBay

February 6th 2008 12:33

Public service announcement - This is a quick note to all would-be online auctioneers: Folks, if you're going to be selling something that people are going to be drinking fluids out of, please take the extra time to either put on some clothes before taking a picture, or concentrate on selling the non-reflective items in your kitchen. Thank you.

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Computers and Internet

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Computer Programmer on a Deserted Island

July 27th 2007 02:53

A computer programmer finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life....'til the boat sank. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies...Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

Computer Programmer on a Deserted Island

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Computers and Internet

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Computer Games

July 23rd 2007 00:40

There's been a lot of talk about computer games having a subliminal effect on players, affecting their behaviour in real life.
Such talk is, of course, unfounded. The most popular computer game is Pacman. If Pacman had a subliminal effect on anyone they would be running around in darkened rooms, munching on pills and listening to repetitive music.

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Posted By: Michael Shillito - Category: Computers and Internet

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Technical Terminology

December 22nd 2006 02:25

Best use for a computer ever!

LOG ON :
Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Computers and Internet

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Unfortunate Website Names

November 27th 2006 23:00

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear ... and be misread.
These are not made up.
Check them out yourself

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Computers and Internet

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Break Up Letter

September 25th 2006 02:53

Men often find "blowing off a chick" the most difficult part of the dating process. The closest they ever come to telling someone it's over is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week." But there is now a great way to blow a chick off. It's safe. It's affordable, and the best thing is the chick has no opportunity to throw things at you. And it's at your fingertips right now. What is this marvellous thing?

E-mail!! That's how all the happening, 21st century guys are telling chicks they're not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it. What could be more painless

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Computers and Internet

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