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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Psychiatrist's Waiting Room

December 22nd 2010 02:51
This psychiatrist walks into his waiting room and sees two men.
One is hanging upside down from the ceiling. The other is sawing an imaginary piece of wood.
The doctor approaches the man who is sawing and asks him what he is doing.

'I'm sawing wood,' the man replies.

'And what's your friend doing?' the doctor asks.

'Oh, he thinks he's a light bulb.'

pretending to be a light bulb
'Well, don't you think you should tell him to get down? The blood is rushing to his head.'


'What, and work in the dark?'
26
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The Bathtub Test

April 7th 2010 23:21
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

Bathtub mental test
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."


"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"




ARE YOU GOING TO EMAIL THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE??
82
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The Colonoscopy

March 5th 2010 11:34

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
Trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain,
"Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."


"I should be in charge," said the blood ,
"Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me youíd all waste away."


"I should be in charge," said the stomach ,
"Because I process food and give all of you energy."


"I should be in charge," said the legs,
"Because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."


"I should be in charge," said the eyes,
"Because I allow the body to see where it goes."


"I should be in charge," said the rectum,
"Because Iím responsible for waste removal."


All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days,
The brain had a terrible headache,
The stomach was bloated,
The legs got wobbly,
The eyes got watery,
And the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

rectum in charge


The Moral of the story?
The arse hole is usually the one in charge!
45
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Flu Shots

October 1st 2009 12:34
Please do not forget your flu shot!!!!


Flu Shots and alcohol



Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.


Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.


Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.


Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim,


Take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.


Wash your hands often.
If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.


Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.


Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it....
When you go for a shot, what do they do first? They Clean your arm with alcohol...
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS
GERMS. So.......

I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona. (fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up,
Flu germs

Canít get you!

My mother always said,
"A shot in the glass
Is better than one in the ass!"

36
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Department of Health

September 23rd 2009 08:53
If you receive an e-mail


from the


Department of Health


telling you not to eat


tinned pork


because of


swine flu....



ignore it.



It's just spam.




swine flu spam email
49
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Face Lift

August 31st 2009 12:07
Face Lift Joke
This woman goes in for a face-lift, and the doctor says, "We've got this new method: I put a knob in the back of your head, and every time you feel like you need a lift, just turn it."

She gets the knob implanted and is beautiful for five years


[ Click here to read more ]
58
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Pandemic Warning

May 22nd 2009 02:42
41
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Dentist Jokes

June 27th 2008 05:50
Dentist Jokes
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."


[ Click here to read more ]
73
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Health Jokes

June 13th 2008 12:16
Health Jokes - My doctor told me to avoid any unnecessary stress, so I didn't open his bill.


Two carrots were walking down the road one day when all of a sudden a car drove by and hit one of them. The other carrot took the injured carrot to the hospital.
[ Click here to read more ]
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Fight With a Ghost?

May 19th 2008 09:12
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhoea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational


[ Click here to read more ]
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Funniest Joke Ever

November 16th 2007 03:17
Best Joke of all time??

best joke of all time
Detective work by a professor investigating the psychology of humour has revealed that Spike Milligan was the author of the world's funniest joke


[ Click here to read more ]
94
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Chinese STDs

May 23rd 2007 07:09
While in China ,a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in Australia, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor Says: "I've got bad news for you -- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc." The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion." The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice


[ Click here to read more ]
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Doctor & Medical Jokes

April 20th 2007 11:44
doctor and medical jokes
A tired businessman complained to his doctor,
"What's wrong with me doctor? I feel awful."
"Let me ask you a few questions. Do you drink much alcohol


[ Click here to read more ]
45
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The Good Dentist

February 15th 2007 14:22
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again


[ Click here to read more ]
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